and all self respect I
had left. I plead on my hands and knees at his feet, eyes filled
with tears. I didn't care who saw me bowing down like a beaten dog.
I wanted to live damn it.
Begging for mercy wasn't something I was
accustomed to doing, but I figured if I had any shot out of this,
it would be appealing to his softer side. We were brothers after
all, right?
Harvey stared at me hard before responding,
“Oh, so, you're sorry? Did you hear that, Jo? He's sorry! I guess
we can all forgive and go home now, right?!” he screamed back in my
face. I sank, eyes bulging from an overflow of tears and pang of
failure.
Thump thump thump. My heart was
overbearingly erratic. My hands reached out like an apologetic
child, grabbing at Harvey's shoes, eyes pleading mercifully.
I could see the cold
steely blue of his eyes soften as I sobbed on his cheap boots,
soaking them with my shame. Please,
Brother! I begged silently.
Harvey sighed slightly, moving his shoe out
from under my clinging grasp. Before I could open my mouth to
continue my defense, the hard rubbery sole came flying forward,
slamming into my still tender jaw. My head snapped back with
unnatural force, making my neck pop and crack. The crunching of
enamel echoed loudly in my head as I felt two of my teeth break
under the pressure of hatred and vengeance. Harvey towered above me
as I rolled across the floor, coughing and choking on the thick red
blood now gushing from my mouth.
I tried to sit up, but couldn't muster the
energy through the pain, so I rolled instead.
“Harv...Harvey, please,”
I begged again through a mouthful of blood. There had to be some
kind of sympathy left in him. He wasn't the vicious type. Harvey
was not a bad guy. He couldn't go through with this.
“Shut the fuck up, JJ. You
deserve this, and you know it. No more excuses for you, Brother,” a raging voice
interrupted the last bit of rational thinking I had
left.
Holy shit, he's really
going to kill me. Thump thump. Thump
thump.
I shook my head, pushing that thought away.
I had to keep trying. He had to listen to reason. This was
madness!
Joanna cried silently in the background as
the dark black hole of the gun barrel entered my vision. Harvey's
face was like stone, but the quickening beat of his heart sounded
in my ear, almost comforting me.
I watched Harvey's finger close in on the
trigger. My heart stopped.
“No...no..you..”
Bang!
35
One bullet, straight through my ignorant
brain. Lights out. Show's over. There was no beaming light at the
end of the tunnel. No wispy angels to lead me to the afterlife. No
loved ones to greet me at the pearly gates. The world I once knew
was empty, completely void of any and all sense a human grows
accustomed to using to experience the world. There was just
nothing. Pure darkness, until I opened my eyes and glimpsed the
figure in the shiny silver mirror, the glass filmy, but still quite
visible. I watched my reflection for an otherworldly amount of time
when I woke up from the day dream I used to call life. Still good
looking. Still strong. Still so sure on the outside, but the
hollowness grew deep within like a seedling in a fresh spring rain.
It grew until the monster ripped through my perfect flesh,
torturing what remained of my soul.
The Devil owned my soul now. I couldn't
even call it mine. He decided what I saw and felt. He chose the
words that I would have to hear for eternity. My second chance was
over. My redemption a passing fancy.
I'm forced to watch the Old Man do his
dirty dance with that whore. Forced to relive my dark hours. Forced
to see Ma...
No matter. What's done is done. I can't
change it.
I hate that I know that. It makes me want
to go back to being stupid and unknowing. I want to not know any of
this. I want to live again, redo it until I get it right, or at
least decent. I want to die with dignity. Or at least die knowing I
had made a difference in the world. A good difference.
Strange how even after committing the
had left. I plead on my hands and knees at his feet, eyes filled
with tears. I didn't care who saw me bowing down like a beaten dog.
I wanted to live damn it.
Begging for mercy wasn't something I was
accustomed to doing, but I figured if I had any shot out of this,
it would be appealing to his softer side. We were brothers after
all, right?
Harvey stared at me hard before responding,
“Oh, so, you're sorry? Did you hear that, Jo? He's sorry! I guess
we can all forgive and go home now, right?!” he screamed back in my
face. I sank, eyes bulging from an overflow of tears and pang of
failure.
Thump thump thump. My heart was
overbearingly erratic. My hands reached out like an apologetic
child, grabbing at Harvey's shoes, eyes pleading mercifully.
I could see the cold
steely blue of his eyes soften as I sobbed on his cheap boots,
soaking them with my shame. Please,
Brother! I begged silently.
Harvey sighed slightly, moving his shoe out
from under my clinging grasp. Before I could open my mouth to
continue my defense, the hard rubbery sole came flying forward,
slamming into my still tender jaw. My head snapped back with
unnatural force, making my neck pop and crack. The crunching of
enamel echoed loudly in my head as I felt two of my teeth break
under the pressure of hatred and vengeance. Harvey towered above me
as I rolled across the floor, coughing and choking on the thick red
blood now gushing from my mouth.
I tried to sit up, but couldn't muster the
energy through the pain, so I rolled instead.
“Harv...Harvey, please,”
I begged again through a mouthful of blood. There had to be some
kind of sympathy left in him. He wasn't the vicious type. Harvey
was not a bad guy. He couldn't go through with this.
“Shut the fuck up, JJ. You
deserve this, and you know it. No more excuses for you, Brother,” a raging voice
interrupted the last bit of rational thinking I had
left.
Holy shit, he's really
going to kill me. Thump thump. Thump
thump.
I shook my head, pushing that thought away.
I had to keep trying. He had to listen to reason. This was
madness!
Joanna cried silently in the background as
the dark black hole of the gun barrel entered my vision. Harvey's
face was like stone, but the quickening beat of his heart sounded
in my ear, almost comforting me.
I watched Harvey's finger close in on the
trigger. My heart stopped.
“No...no..you..”
Bang!
35
One bullet, straight through my ignorant
brain. Lights out. Show's over. There was no beaming light at the
end of the tunnel. No wispy angels to lead me to the afterlife. No
loved ones to greet me at the pearly gates. The world I once knew
was empty, completely void of any and all sense a human grows
accustomed to using to experience the world. There was just
nothing. Pure darkness, until I opened my eyes and glimpsed the
figure in the shiny silver mirror, the glass filmy, but still quite
visible. I watched my reflection for an otherworldly amount of time
when I woke up from the day dream I used to call life. Still good
looking. Still strong. Still so sure on the outside, but the
hollowness grew deep within like a seedling in a fresh spring rain.
It grew until the monster ripped through my perfect flesh,
torturing what remained of my soul.
The Devil owned my soul now. I couldn't
even call it mine. He decided what I saw and felt. He chose the
words that I would have to hear for eternity. My second chance was
over. My redemption a passing fancy.
I'm forced to watch the Old Man do his
dirty dance with that whore. Forced to relive my dark hours. Forced
to see Ma...
No matter. What's done is done. I can't
change it.
I hate that I know that. It makes me want
to go back to being stupid and unknowing. I want to not know any of
this. I want to live again, redo it until I get it right, or at
least decent. I want to die with dignity. Or at least die knowing I
had made a difference in the world. A good difference.
Strange how even after committing the
Similar Books
