hadn’t ever been attracted to Brian. I wasn’t attracted even then. But it felt exactly like it—I was so lonely. “I don’t know what to do,” I finally said, never removing the pillow so I wouldn’t have to look into his eyes.
Brian didn’t touch me, but I could feel the warmth of his hand hovering over my shoulders. “What don’t you know what to do about?” he asked.
“You know Maya, right?”
“Yeah, sure. Why?”
“She’s missing.”
The mattress lifted, and I opened my eyes to see Brian up and pacing his room. “Are you thinking she had something to do with my brother…?”
“No, of course not.”
“I’m sorry your sister’s missing,” Brian said flatly.
“I don’t expect you to worry about it,” I said. We sat in puddled silence for a while. “But who do you think did it?”
“I’m not even thinking about that,” he said. “Someone neither of us knows. A stranger. Jefferson screwed over plenty of people. It could have been any of them.”
“What kinds of people?”
“I don’t know, tons,” Brian snapped. “I don’t really want to talk about all my brother’s bad history right now, okay?”
I searched the room for something I could use to change the subject. Immediately by the bed, there was a picture of Brian and his brother, outdone by a gleaming frame. They were little kids, dressed as soldiers. Jefferson had obviously pulled older brother privileges and kept the better gear for himself, dressed in fatigues and holding a play rifle, while Brian had a plaid shirt, tighty-whiteys, and a stick. It was sweet but also strange, for Brian to keep a picture of the two of them by his bed. Maybe he’d moved it to a more prominent position now that his brother was gone. The rest of the room: one shelf full of vampire books, another of graphic novels. Velvet curtains. Replicas of medieval weapons hanging over the doorway, two swords and a fancy steel club thing. I was surprised his parents let him keep them after the kids from my school cut each other up sword fighting for some role-playing game last year. It was a huge deal, and a group of parents petitioned to close the local hobby store. One of those TV vans with a tower coming out of its roof was parked outside our school for a week.
“So, the assembly…” I said.
Brian grunted.
I continued. “I mean, what—”
“I hated him. I totally and completely detested my brother.” Brian groaned. There was some little war going onbetween two halves of him. “And you should have, too, based on what he put your sister through. So let’s stop pretending that we’re like the rest of the sorry dupes who think he’s some shining star. It’s a tragedy that he’s dead. I’m in total shock, sure, but I’m not going to sit here and pretend that some small part of me isn’t glad that he’s gone, that I won’t have him badmouthing me to the whole school, making it his mission to take down every friendship I made, humiliating me and framing me to my parents for all his shit.”
“I had no idea he was doing all those things to you. That’s terrible.”
“No one noticed. I’d have told, but how was it going to help me at all to complain to any of you guys? Everyone already avoids me; I’m not fun, I get it. My parents knew a lot of what he was doing to me, but Jefferson knew how to work them, too. My dad would bitch him out and then within a few hours he’d be patting my brother’s back, like he was actually proud of him for being such an ass to his weirdo little brother.”
I guess I’d already suspected everything Brian was saying, but I hadn’t ever really considered it too seriously, because I was also certain that Brian adored his brother. I’d seen the way he looked at him. He just wanted Jefferson to love and need him back, but since Brian was of no use to Jefferson, he never got anything from him. Cheyenne said once that Brian looked at Jefferson like Maya looked at me.But that was ridiculous; I knew for a
Brian didn’t touch me, but I could feel the warmth of his hand hovering over my shoulders. “What don’t you know what to do about?” he asked.
“You know Maya, right?”
“Yeah, sure. Why?”
“She’s missing.”
The mattress lifted, and I opened my eyes to see Brian up and pacing his room. “Are you thinking she had something to do with my brother…?”
“No, of course not.”
“I’m sorry your sister’s missing,” Brian said flatly.
“I don’t expect you to worry about it,” I said. We sat in puddled silence for a while. “But who do you think did it?”
“I’m not even thinking about that,” he said. “Someone neither of us knows. A stranger. Jefferson screwed over plenty of people. It could have been any of them.”
“What kinds of people?”
“I don’t know, tons,” Brian snapped. “I don’t really want to talk about all my brother’s bad history right now, okay?”
I searched the room for something I could use to change the subject. Immediately by the bed, there was a picture of Brian and his brother, outdone by a gleaming frame. They were little kids, dressed as soldiers. Jefferson had obviously pulled older brother privileges and kept the better gear for himself, dressed in fatigues and holding a play rifle, while Brian had a plaid shirt, tighty-whiteys, and a stick. It was sweet but also strange, for Brian to keep a picture of the two of them by his bed. Maybe he’d moved it to a more prominent position now that his brother was gone. The rest of the room: one shelf full of vampire books, another of graphic novels. Velvet curtains. Replicas of medieval weapons hanging over the doorway, two swords and a fancy steel club thing. I was surprised his parents let him keep them after the kids from my school cut each other up sword fighting for some role-playing game last year. It was a huge deal, and a group of parents petitioned to close the local hobby store. One of those TV vans with a tower coming out of its roof was parked outside our school for a week.
“So, the assembly…” I said.
Brian grunted.
I continued. “I mean, what—”
“I hated him. I totally and completely detested my brother.” Brian groaned. There was some little war going onbetween two halves of him. “And you should have, too, based on what he put your sister through. So let’s stop pretending that we’re like the rest of the sorry dupes who think he’s some shining star. It’s a tragedy that he’s dead. I’m in total shock, sure, but I’m not going to sit here and pretend that some small part of me isn’t glad that he’s gone, that I won’t have him badmouthing me to the whole school, making it his mission to take down every friendship I made, humiliating me and framing me to my parents for all his shit.”
“I had no idea he was doing all those things to you. That’s terrible.”
“No one noticed. I’d have told, but how was it going to help me at all to complain to any of you guys? Everyone already avoids me; I’m not fun, I get it. My parents knew a lot of what he was doing to me, but Jefferson knew how to work them, too. My dad would bitch him out and then within a few hours he’d be patting my brother’s back, like he was actually proud of him for being such an ass to his weirdo little brother.”
I guess I’d already suspected everything Brian was saying, but I hadn’t ever really considered it too seriously, because I was also certain that Brian adored his brother. I’d seen the way he looked at him. He just wanted Jefferson to love and need him back, but since Brian was of no use to Jefferson, he never got anything from him. Cheyenne said once that Brian looked at Jefferson like Maya looked at me.But that was ridiculous; I knew for a
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