around it have brought it all to the surface,” I explain. “And maybe, I
guess, that’s why it’s made me a little crazy,” I admit.
“Of course, honey. Of course,” Scott
says. “It makes so much more sense now. I wish you had told me sooner.”
I wipe my eyes and finish my beer.
“I better go,” I say.
“Lila… Can you stay, just for tonight? I
won’t do anything. I just want to be near you. I think you need it. I know I
need it. And we can take tomorrow as it comes,” Scott begs.
I can tell in his voice that this is hard
for him to say.
“Okay, Scott. Maybe you’re right.”
I am so tired.
So, so tired.
We make dinner, and, for a little while,
it feels like old times.
Maybe, just maybe, I think to myself,
maybe we can save this.
We ignore the boxes lingering around the
house, signs of our crumbling foundation.
I feel a sense of relief having
explained some of myself to Scott.
Maybe, just for tonight, I've chased my
darkness away.
Chapter 16
I sleep.
Sam calls to me in my dreams.
I can’t escape.
Lila...
But it’s not Sam, is it?
It’s the Blacksmith.
I belong to him now, and I don’t know
why I ever thought I could escape.
I don’t know why I’d want to.
I get out of the bed and leave Scott
sleeping peacefully behind.
He deserves better than me.
I look in the mirror as I leave and Ainsley’s
eyes look back at me, so much like mine. We smile at one another.
It’s so much easier now.
My car gets to the house on its own now.
I barely need to hit the gas pedal or turn the steering wheel.
But this time, I stop at the bottom. I
must earn this right.
Earn this night.
Slowly, I walk up the driveway. The
rocks cause me to stumble and I fall once, scraping my knee—more blood
for the hungry earth.
The wind is whispering in my voice.
Hated your parents.
No, I didn’t!
Glad they were dead.
You must dig, Lila. You must.
I reach the crest of the driveway and
again, the light on the second-floor window is on.
A shadow beckons me inside.
I am not afraid.
I make my way up the steps to the lit
room—I hear a rocking chair, rocking.
Rocking.
I push the door open to see a young
woman with long, brown hair, holding a baby.
She turns to me.
The baby is dead.
He’s dead.
She smiles.
I smile back.
She fades from sight and the light
shifts.
Now it’s a little girl, eight years old,
asleep in her room.
No, Lila, not asleep.
Pretending to be asleep.
Hoping not to hear the creak of
the opening door.
I bite my knuckle.
So does the little girl.
We pray for peace together.
I leave the child behind. I have no
other choice.
I walk again to the graveyard garden.
The shadow of Ainsley reaches for my
hand.
She understands me.
She shows me the earth where I must dig.
She shows me where the Blacksmith waits.
It’s my turn now.
The Blacksmith offers such sweet pain.
He takes me in his arms—this is
where I belong. He is my savage and my salvation.
I barely notice him drinking my tears.
This is my story. This is the only way.
The world will only see what it wants to see. It will only read what it wants
to read.
My roots spring forth and dig deep.
My story will grow and thrive.
I have found myself in Ainsley’s garden.
She is me.
Chapter 17
Scott stirs in his empty bed—waking
with a smile.
What a great talk they had. He is
hopeful for the future.
“Lila?”
No answer.
He knocks on the bathroom door.
“Lila?”
Nothing.
She is not in the apartment.
Of course she isn’t.
Scott tries her cellphone number.
In a moment of cold terror, he hears it
ring in the apartment—inside her purse. Her wallet is also in her purse.
Scott begins to worry.
He thumbs through her phone and finds
the number he is looking for.
“Hi, Sam? This is Scott. Lila’s Scott,
yes. Is she with you? I won’t be angry. I’m just—honestly, I just want to
know that she’s okay,” he says.
Sam pauses on the other end of the
phone.
On the one hand, Sam wants to
guess, that’s why it’s made me a little crazy,” I admit.
“Of course, honey. Of course,” Scott
says. “It makes so much more sense now. I wish you had told me sooner.”
I wipe my eyes and finish my beer.
“I better go,” I say.
“Lila… Can you stay, just for tonight? I
won’t do anything. I just want to be near you. I think you need it. I know I
need it. And we can take tomorrow as it comes,” Scott begs.
I can tell in his voice that this is hard
for him to say.
“Okay, Scott. Maybe you’re right.”
I am so tired.
So, so tired.
We make dinner, and, for a little while,
it feels like old times.
Maybe, just maybe, I think to myself,
maybe we can save this.
We ignore the boxes lingering around the
house, signs of our crumbling foundation.
I feel a sense of relief having
explained some of myself to Scott.
Maybe, just for tonight, I've chased my
darkness away.
Chapter 16
I sleep.
Sam calls to me in my dreams.
I can’t escape.
Lila...
But it’s not Sam, is it?
It’s the Blacksmith.
I belong to him now, and I don’t know
why I ever thought I could escape.
I don’t know why I’d want to.
I get out of the bed and leave Scott
sleeping peacefully behind.
He deserves better than me.
I look in the mirror as I leave and Ainsley’s
eyes look back at me, so much like mine. We smile at one another.
It’s so much easier now.
My car gets to the house on its own now.
I barely need to hit the gas pedal or turn the steering wheel.
But this time, I stop at the bottom. I
must earn this right.
Earn this night.
Slowly, I walk up the driveway. The
rocks cause me to stumble and I fall once, scraping my knee—more blood
for the hungry earth.
The wind is whispering in my voice.
Hated your parents.
No, I didn’t!
Glad they were dead.
You must dig, Lila. You must.
I reach the crest of the driveway and
again, the light on the second-floor window is on.
A shadow beckons me inside.
I am not afraid.
I make my way up the steps to the lit
room—I hear a rocking chair, rocking.
Rocking.
I push the door open to see a young
woman with long, brown hair, holding a baby.
She turns to me.
The baby is dead.
He’s dead.
She smiles.
I smile back.
She fades from sight and the light
shifts.
Now it’s a little girl, eight years old,
asleep in her room.
No, Lila, not asleep.
Pretending to be asleep.
Hoping not to hear the creak of
the opening door.
I bite my knuckle.
So does the little girl.
We pray for peace together.
I leave the child behind. I have no
other choice.
I walk again to the graveyard garden.
The shadow of Ainsley reaches for my
hand.
She understands me.
She shows me the earth where I must dig.
She shows me where the Blacksmith waits.
It’s my turn now.
The Blacksmith offers such sweet pain.
He takes me in his arms—this is
where I belong. He is my savage and my salvation.
I barely notice him drinking my tears.
This is my story. This is the only way.
The world will only see what it wants to see. It will only read what it wants
to read.
My roots spring forth and dig deep.
My story will grow and thrive.
I have found myself in Ainsley’s garden.
She is me.
Chapter 17
Scott stirs in his empty bed—waking
with a smile.
What a great talk they had. He is
hopeful for the future.
“Lila?”
No answer.
He knocks on the bathroom door.
“Lila?”
Nothing.
She is not in the apartment.
Of course she isn’t.
Scott tries her cellphone number.
In a moment of cold terror, he hears it
ring in the apartment—inside her purse. Her wallet is also in her purse.
Scott begins to worry.
He thumbs through her phone and finds
the number he is looking for.
“Hi, Sam? This is Scott. Lila’s Scott,
yes. Is she with you? I won’t be angry. I’m just—honestly, I just want to
know that she’s okay,” he says.
Sam pauses on the other end of the
phone.
On the one hand, Sam wants to
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