trailed after Dilys and her mother. Calling Bill “Dad.” It frightened her, knowing how desperately she wanted it, because right here, right now, it seemed utterly impossible.
As she undressed her son, she found herself thinking about the baby Philippa was carrying, a baby who would never see his or her father. The injustice of Jimmy’s execution had shocked her to the core. The Americans are supposed to be our friends, she thought. They’re supposed to be just like us.
She remembered what Bill had told her about Louisiana, about the demeaning laws that kept black people away from whites. What would it be like for the child she was carrying to grow up in a place like that—a country whose laws allowed a black man to be hanged for doing nothing worse than what she and Bill had been doing? Could they ever be a family in a country like that?
There was a knock at the bedroom door. “Can I come in?” Cathy’s head appeared. She sat down on the bed, making faces at David until he stopped kicking and started to giggle.
“How’s Bill?” Cathy’s smile vanished as she looked up. “I saw the paper.”
“I don’t really know,” Eva said. “I haven’t seen him since last Saturday.”
“He must be going through hell.”
Eva nodded. “You’d never guess it, though.” She stopped trying to pull one of David’s socks over his wriggling toes and gave a deep sigh. “He’s so hard to read. When Jimmy was arrested, he was in a terrible state. But the past couple of weeks he’s been really calm.” She stared at the sock in her hand. “Unnaturally calm, really. It was his birthday last week—his twenty-first—and he didn’t even tell me. But then he sent a note to the station asking for a date with me, even though he knew Jimmy was going to be . . . ” She stroked the soft, plump skin above David’s toes.
“Sounds like it hasn’t really sunk in yet.”
“He’s asked me to book a table at the best restaurant in town. Says he wants to give Jimmy a good send-off.”
“Grief comes out in strange ways, sometimes.” Cathy brought her face close to David’s and he grabbed at her hair. “I remember when we got the news about Stuart, it took a long time for me to accept that he was never coming home. People used to say how well I was coping, but about two months after the funeral it suddenly hit me. I just broke down in tears one morning while I was peeling the potatoes. I was counting them out, and I thought this is it : we’re never going to need any more potatoes than this for Sunday dinner ever again, because he’s not coming back.” She pulled a silver bangle from her wrist and gave it to David to play with. “Bill’s really going to need you,” she said, “more than he probably realizes at the moment.”
Eva raised herself on her elbows. “I want to be there for him. Of course I do. But . . .” she trailed off, searching for a way of saying what she dreaded putting into words.
“Don’t tell me you’re breaking it off with him? After everything you—”
“Oh, God, no!” Eva cut her short. “It’s not that!” She turned her anguished face away from Cathy. She couldn’t, mustn’t tell her. Mustn’t tell anyone.
“It’s Dilys,” she lied, her eyes fixed on the bedspread.
“What’s wrong with her?” Cathy asked. “She looked absolutely on top of the world five minutes ago.”
“Yes, she is,” Eva said. “Anton’s proposed to her, apparently. She’s joining the ATS so she can move out and spend more time with him. So that’s why I’m not going to be much use to Bill,” she went on. “I don’t even know if I’ll be able to see him when Dilys isn’t around to give me an alibi.”
Cathy laughed. “Cunning little minx! I hope she knows what she’s letting herself in for!” She put her hand on Eva’s shoulder. “Hey,” she said, “don’t worry about seeing Bill—you can use me as an excuse if you want to. And if your Mum gets fed up with babysitting,
As she undressed her son, she found herself thinking about the baby Philippa was carrying, a baby who would never see his or her father. The injustice of Jimmy’s execution had shocked her to the core. The Americans are supposed to be our friends, she thought. They’re supposed to be just like us.
She remembered what Bill had told her about Louisiana, about the demeaning laws that kept black people away from whites. What would it be like for the child she was carrying to grow up in a place like that—a country whose laws allowed a black man to be hanged for doing nothing worse than what she and Bill had been doing? Could they ever be a family in a country like that?
There was a knock at the bedroom door. “Can I come in?” Cathy’s head appeared. She sat down on the bed, making faces at David until he stopped kicking and started to giggle.
“How’s Bill?” Cathy’s smile vanished as she looked up. “I saw the paper.”
“I don’t really know,” Eva said. “I haven’t seen him since last Saturday.”
“He must be going through hell.”
Eva nodded. “You’d never guess it, though.” She stopped trying to pull one of David’s socks over his wriggling toes and gave a deep sigh. “He’s so hard to read. When Jimmy was arrested, he was in a terrible state. But the past couple of weeks he’s been really calm.” She stared at the sock in her hand. “Unnaturally calm, really. It was his birthday last week—his twenty-first—and he didn’t even tell me. But then he sent a note to the station asking for a date with me, even though he knew Jimmy was going to be . . . ” She stroked the soft, plump skin above David’s toes.
“Sounds like it hasn’t really sunk in yet.”
“He’s asked me to book a table at the best restaurant in town. Says he wants to give Jimmy a good send-off.”
“Grief comes out in strange ways, sometimes.” Cathy brought her face close to David’s and he grabbed at her hair. “I remember when we got the news about Stuart, it took a long time for me to accept that he was never coming home. People used to say how well I was coping, but about two months after the funeral it suddenly hit me. I just broke down in tears one morning while I was peeling the potatoes. I was counting them out, and I thought this is it : we’re never going to need any more potatoes than this for Sunday dinner ever again, because he’s not coming back.” She pulled a silver bangle from her wrist and gave it to David to play with. “Bill’s really going to need you,” she said, “more than he probably realizes at the moment.”
Eva raised herself on her elbows. “I want to be there for him. Of course I do. But . . .” she trailed off, searching for a way of saying what she dreaded putting into words.
“Don’t tell me you’re breaking it off with him? After everything you—”
“Oh, God, no!” Eva cut her short. “It’s not that!” She turned her anguished face away from Cathy. She couldn’t, mustn’t tell her. Mustn’t tell anyone.
“It’s Dilys,” she lied, her eyes fixed on the bedspread.
“What’s wrong with her?” Cathy asked. “She looked absolutely on top of the world five minutes ago.”
“Yes, she is,” Eva said. “Anton’s proposed to her, apparently. She’s joining the ATS so she can move out and spend more time with him. So that’s why I’m not going to be much use to Bill,” she went on. “I don’t even know if I’ll be able to see him when Dilys isn’t around to give me an alibi.”
Cathy laughed. “Cunning little minx! I hope she knows what she’s letting herself in for!” She put her hand on Eva’s shoulder. “Hey,” she said, “don’t worry about seeing Bill—you can use me as an excuse if you want to. And if your Mum gets fed up with babysitting,
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