The Color of Heaven - 09 - The Color of Time by Julianne MacLean
Authors: Julianne MacLean
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about how to answer that question. Part of me wanted to say no, I wasn’t, and avoid the whole subject, but another part of me wanted to pour out my heart to my ex-husband and ask his advice. He’d always been such a wise soul.
“I am seeing someone,” I finally explained, “but I’m not sure it’s going to work out.”
“Why not?”
I was embarrassed to explain, but I soldiered on nevertheless. “He’s married. Separated, actually, but he’s not divorced yet and that makes it a bit uncomfortable. His wife won’t let him introduce me to his kids. I don’t blame her, really. I’d probably feel the same way in her shoes.”
“How long have you been seeing each other?”
“Five months.”
“That’s not long,” Ethan replied. “Just try to be patient. If it’s meant to be, it’ll work itself out in time.”
I couldn’t help but chuckle. “You of all people know that patience isn’t my strongest suit.”
He laughed as well. “I remember.”
Neither of us spoke for a moment. The kettle began to whistle, so I removed it from the burner and filled my cup.
“I don’t have any regrets, you know,” Ethan softly said, and the sound of his voice in my ear gave me goosebumps. “Even though it didn’t work out for us, I wouldn’t change a thing. I really loved you, Sylvie. I hope you know that. I always will.”
Tears welled up in my eyes and a lump the size of a golf ball formed in my throat. “I loved you, too. That won’t ever change.”
He sighed heavily. “I hope you don’t have any regrets.”
I thought about the arguments we’d had after losing Tyler. I had said so many hurtful things I shouldn’t have.
“Well, you know me. I’m the Mayor of Regretsville. But I’ll never regret loving you . I’m just sorry for how I handled things those last few years. I couldn’t let go of the grief.”
Ethan sighed. “None of us can skate through life and do everything perfectly. Besides, what’s the point in living if you don’t at least learn something?”
I nodded. “Are you still learning things?”
“Every day. So listen, don’t beat yourself up about this guy you’re seeing. If he’s worthy of you, you’ll know it. If he’s not, you’ll know that, too.”
“Thanks, Ethan.”
I moved to the cupboard by the fridge and withdrew the box of tea.
“I should go,” he quietly said. “But it was good to hear your voice, Sylvie. Call anytime, all right?”
There was a quiet intimacy in his voice that moved me, almost to tears—but they were not tears of sadness. These were tears of joy.
I wanted Ethan to be happy too, and I believed in my heart, that he was. He’d found a good place. He was exactly where he was meant to be.
But was I?
Later that night, I fell asleep thinking of my little son, Tyler, and no matter how hard I tried to accept the past as it was, I did what I always did. I imagined that I had been there at the playground that day. I imagined watching over him while Ethan talked to his client on the phone.
How different my life might be today if Tyler hadn’t fallen from the monkey bars. I suspected Ethan and I would still be together, maybe with another child on the way.
When I finally fell asleep, I dreamed that my soul was floating up and out of my body, drifting like a phantom down the stairs and through the front door, across the moonlit green lawn to the sundial at the edge of the water, where I landed softly on my feet and gripped the dial plate with both hands. I squeezed it with all my might, and tried to shake it from its foundation.
I don’t know why I did that.
Another Fork in the Road
Chapter Twenty-six
August 6, 2015
I woke up in the hospital with a start. Confused and disoriented, I glanced around the room and discovered I was sitting at my grandmother’s bedside. She was hooked up to an IV, watching television, but the station suddenly blacked out.
She reached for the remote and began pressing buttons. “Darn
“I am seeing someone,” I finally explained, “but I’m not sure it’s going to work out.”
“Why not?”
I was embarrassed to explain, but I soldiered on nevertheless. “He’s married. Separated, actually, but he’s not divorced yet and that makes it a bit uncomfortable. His wife won’t let him introduce me to his kids. I don’t blame her, really. I’d probably feel the same way in her shoes.”
“How long have you been seeing each other?”
“Five months.”
“That’s not long,” Ethan replied. “Just try to be patient. If it’s meant to be, it’ll work itself out in time.”
I couldn’t help but chuckle. “You of all people know that patience isn’t my strongest suit.”
He laughed as well. “I remember.”
Neither of us spoke for a moment. The kettle began to whistle, so I removed it from the burner and filled my cup.
“I don’t have any regrets, you know,” Ethan softly said, and the sound of his voice in my ear gave me goosebumps. “Even though it didn’t work out for us, I wouldn’t change a thing. I really loved you, Sylvie. I hope you know that. I always will.”
Tears welled up in my eyes and a lump the size of a golf ball formed in my throat. “I loved you, too. That won’t ever change.”
He sighed heavily. “I hope you don’t have any regrets.”
I thought about the arguments we’d had after losing Tyler. I had said so many hurtful things I shouldn’t have.
“Well, you know me. I’m the Mayor of Regretsville. But I’ll never regret loving you . I’m just sorry for how I handled things those last few years. I couldn’t let go of the grief.”
Ethan sighed. “None of us can skate through life and do everything perfectly. Besides, what’s the point in living if you don’t at least learn something?”
I nodded. “Are you still learning things?”
“Every day. So listen, don’t beat yourself up about this guy you’re seeing. If he’s worthy of you, you’ll know it. If he’s not, you’ll know that, too.”
“Thanks, Ethan.”
I moved to the cupboard by the fridge and withdrew the box of tea.
“I should go,” he quietly said. “But it was good to hear your voice, Sylvie. Call anytime, all right?”
There was a quiet intimacy in his voice that moved me, almost to tears—but they were not tears of sadness. These were tears of joy.
I wanted Ethan to be happy too, and I believed in my heart, that he was. He’d found a good place. He was exactly where he was meant to be.
But was I?
Later that night, I fell asleep thinking of my little son, Tyler, and no matter how hard I tried to accept the past as it was, I did what I always did. I imagined that I had been there at the playground that day. I imagined watching over him while Ethan talked to his client on the phone.
How different my life might be today if Tyler hadn’t fallen from the monkey bars. I suspected Ethan and I would still be together, maybe with another child on the way.
When I finally fell asleep, I dreamed that my soul was floating up and out of my body, drifting like a phantom down the stairs and through the front door, across the moonlit green lawn to the sundial at the edge of the water, where I landed softly on my feet and gripped the dial plate with both hands. I squeezed it with all my might, and tried to shake it from its foundation.
I don’t know why I did that.
Another Fork in the Road
Chapter Twenty-six
August 6, 2015
I woke up in the hospital with a start. Confused and disoriented, I glanced around the room and discovered I was sitting at my grandmother’s bedside. She was hooked up to an IV, watching television, but the station suddenly blacked out.
She reached for the remote and began pressing buttons. “Darn
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