The Blue Hour by Douglas Kennedy Page B

Day, when we returned from a long weekend in a friend’s cottage in the woods fronting Lake Placid. My husband and I making love twice a day. And me, after a candlelit dinner at some nearby inn, stating that, after two years together, and with my fortieth birthday looming in a few months, I wanted to come off the pill effective immediately . . . though it would be, as my gynecologist told me, at least two weeks until I would be moving into a fertile cycle.
    Paul did not blanch or talk about joining the merchant marine when I brought this up. On the contrary, he told me that having a child together was “the essential bonding of a couple in love” or some such line. Paul returned from the gym on a Thursday evening, limping slightly, telling me how he pulled a muscle in his groin and was worried that he’d given himself a hernia. With my complete understanding, he absented himself from sex for several days, saying that he’d be going to the university infirmary the next day to get himself a medical opinion. Then, upon returning that night, he informed me that, though it was only “lightly herniated”—I remember his exact words—he was advised not to exacerbate it and refrain from sex for another week. Which we dutifully did.
    Now, here I was, all these absurd months later, on the website of Dr. Brian Boyards, MD, reading all about this seemingly simple, no-fault surgical procedure:
    Over 500,000 vasectomy procedures are done each year in the United States.
    Vasectomy is a simple, safe surgical procedure for permanent male fertility control. The tube (called a “vas”) which leads from the testicle is cut and sealed in order to stop sperm from leaving.
    The procedure usually takes about 10 to 20 minutes.
    Since the procedure simply interrupts the delivery of sperm it does not change hormonal function—leaving sexual drive and potency unaffected.
    The no-scalpel vasectomy is a technique used to do the vasectomy through one single puncture. The puncture is made in the scrotum and requires no suturing or stitches.
    The primary difference compared to the conventional vasectomy is that the vas deferens is controlled and grasped by the surgeon in a less traumatic manner. This results in less pain and fewer postoperative complications.
    This procedure is done with the aid of a local anesthetic called Xylocaine (similar to Novocain).
    The actual interruption of the vas which is done with the no-scalpel technique is identical to the interruption used with conventional techniques.
    The no-scalpel technique is simply a more elegant and less traumatic way for the surgeon to control the vas and proceed with its interruption.
    So my husband murdered my chance at motherhood with him by opting for “elegant and less traumatic” surgery.
    I snapped my eyes shut, caught somewhere between desolation and pure unalloyed rage.
    Tout à fait , nous voudrions un enfant.
    The bastard actually said that just two hours ago. Just as, for months, he kept reassuring me that it was only a matter of time before I got pregnant. I slammed the lid of my computer shut and began to sob. I was in free fall. Beyond stunned. As if the entire foundation of this new life we’d created together was nothing more than a house of cards built on the lies of a man I had been dumb enough to trust. How could I—Ms. Forensic, Ms. Extra-Scrupulous, Ms. Exhaustively Thorough—not have sniffed out the con behind all his declarations of intimate commitment?
    I knew the answer to that question.
    We only see what we want to see.
    I understood from the outset that Paul Leuen was, on certain fundamental levels, incapable of proper adult responsibility. But I chose to sidestep such realizations and embrace the bohemian lure, the romantic effluence, the hallucinogenic sex. I was so desperate for love that I shoved all doubt into that mental basement room and plunged right into the delusion of domestic bliss and