The Bitter End by Rue Volley Page B

for one semester. I ended up weakening my teeth a bit and my hair thinned so I abandoned it out of vanity. I find that a bit amusing, that something like that which is bound to vanity was the reason I stopped doing it. It did not hurt enough anyway. In fact, as I get older, things hurt less and less and I have no idea what the threshold is anymore. It makes me wonder about my mother, if that night in the bathtub she was simply pushing it further with the razor too, trying to cut at the pain deeper, control more and in the end it controlled her and took her life. I mean she was never one to kill herself anyway. I know I paint her as a saint in some ways but she was not. She was vicious and cruel to most people, but she adored me. She never once spoke one mean word to me. In fact she doted over me. I have to guess it was because it was the one thing she hurt my father with the most, seeing she only let me be born and killed all of the others not giving him a chance to receive the son he so wanted. But now, he has two and the fact that he even allowed me to visit and then restored my money is a mystery I don’t care to figure out. Maybe he wants to see me to the end too. He did with Mother and didn’t even cry at her funeral, not once with Miko waiting in the car to pick up the reigns and suck him off. Should I hate him? Or should I take him as a warning as to what I will eventually become?
    I lingered with the razor and it cut a bit too deep as I dropped it and Ryan knocked on the door.
    “Beth?” he called out to me and I looked down as blood dripped on the floor.
    “Fuck.” I whispered as I pulled the needle and thread and did what I had done a few times before. I pulled my silver lighter and heated the tip of it and then proceeded to stitch myself up, gritting my teeth and trying my best to not scream. He knocked again only this time a bit harder.
    “Just a minute!” I yelled out to him. It only took 4 stitches to mend and I then pulled some medical supplies and cleaned it up, with antibiotics and all of that ridiculous nonsense. It is funny how I hate pain unless I want it to happen. Again, a control thing, hence the reason I am so brutal in bed. I love to make it hurt, the more the better. I then wrapped the gauze around it and taped it off. I walked to my closet as I looked at the door.
    “What?” I called out and Ryan stood there staring at the wood.
    “I thought I heard you fall.”
    “No…I am fine, ” I said and I stepped into the closet as it lit up and rows of clothing stared back at me.
    “Well.” I said as I pulled a black long sleeved shirt and buttoned it up, careful to not put too much pressure on the cut on my arm.
    “I really need to fucking get some meds,” I said as I turned and Ryan was standing there with a credit card in his hand that he must have used to unlock my door.
    “Jesus, Ryan, ” I said as he startled me.
    “You okay?”
    “Yes.” I said as I finished buttoning up my shirt.
    “Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked me and I lowered my arms feeling my gauze under my sleeve and wondered when he installed a fucking camera on me.
    “I…well.” I started to say and he stepped up to me.
    “A ll you had to do is say ‘Listen Cocksucker, it’s my birthday, stop’.”
    I blinked and then realized he didn’t know about my cutting shit.
    “Oh…birthdays come and go,” I said as he held my chin up and made me look at him.
    “Yesterday sucked ass, from Holland, to me taking you to my old apartment and then the club…fuck , Beth! All you had to do is tell me. I would have never taken you there.”
    “I am glad you did, ” I said and he hugged me as I wrapped my arms around him and felt strangely loving for a moment. Like we were having a true moment of connection and it terrified me. I can only guess he feels the same…terrified that is.
    ****
    I sat in the car and waited. Ryan had actually driven himself, which was crazy. I don’t remember ever being in a car up front