The Art of Happiness by The Dalai Lama

life to be of value, I think we must develop basic good human qualities—warmth, kindness, compassion. Then our life becomes meaningful and more peaceful—happier.”

Part II
    HUMAN WARMTH AND COMPASSION

Chapter 5
    A NEW MODEL FOR INTIMACY

LONELINESS AND CONNECTION
    Ientered the sitting room of the Dalai Lama’s hotel suite, and he motioned for me to sit down. As tea was poured, he slipped off a pair of butterscotch-colored Rockports and settled comfortably into an oversized chair.
    â€œSo?” he asked in a casual tone but with an inflection that said he was ready for anything. He smiled, but remained silent. Waiting.
    Moments before, while sitting in the hotel lobby waiting for our session to begin, I had absently picked up a copy of a local alternative newspaper that had been turned to the “Personals” section. I had briefly scanned the densely packed ads, page after page of people searching, desperately hoping to connect with another human being. Still thinking about those ads as I sat down to begin my meeting with the Dalai Lama, I suddenly decided to set aside my list of prepared questions and asked, “Do you ever get lonely?”
    â€œNo,” he said simply. I was unprepared for this response. I assumed that his response would be along the lines of, “Of course ... every once in a while everyone feels some loneliness....” Then I was planning on asking him how he deals with loneliness. I never expected to confront anyone who never felt lonely.
    â€œNo?” I asked again, incredulous.
    â€œNo.”
    â€œWhat do you attribute that to?”
    He thought for a moment. “I think one factor is that I look at any human being from a more positive angle; I try to look for their positive aspects. This attitude immediately creates a feeling of affinity, a kind of connectedness.
    â€œAnd it may partly be because on my part, there is less apprehension, less fear, that if I act in a certain way, maybe the person will lose respect or think that I am strange. So because that kind of fear and apprehension is normally absent, there is a kind of openness. I think it’s the main factor.”
    Struggling to comprehend the scope and difficulty of adopting such an attitude, I asked, “But how would you suggest that a person achieve the ability to feel that comfortable with people, not have that fear or apprehension of being disliked or judged by other people? Are there specific methods that an average person could use to develop this attitude?”
    â€œMy basic belief is that you first need to realize the usefulness of compassion,” he said with a tone of conviction. “That’s the key factor. Once you accept the fact that compassion is not something childish or sentimental, once you realize that compassion is something really worthwhile, realize it’s deeper value, then you immediately develop an attraction towards it, a willingness to cultivate it.
    â€œAnd once you encourage the thought of compassion in your mind, once that thought becomes active, then your attitude towards others changes automatically. If you approach others with the thought of compassion, that will automatically reduce fear and allow an openness with other people. It creates a positive, friendly atmosphere. With that attitude, you can approach a relationship in which you, yourself, initially create the possibility of receiving affection or a positive response from the other person. And with that attitude, even if the other person is unfriendly or doesn’t respond to you in a positive way, then at least you’ve approached the person with a feeling of openness that gives you a certain flexibility and the freedom to change your approach as needed. That kind of openness at least allows the possibility of having a meaningful conversation with them. But without the attitude of compassion, if you are feeling closed, irritated, or indifferent, then you can even be approached by