I found myself wishing he’d skip the game, but between sex and football, I think football usually won. I drove away knowing exactly where I was going. I was tired of choosing between my old clothes from Chicago and the dresses I had turned into my death shrouds over the last year. I was going shopping. I hadn’t spent any money on anything but chips, soda, beer, and animal crackers in forever and I was going to drive to Huntsville and buy myself an entire new wardrobe. I put my sunglasses on and leaned back. I could almost smell the leather of new shoes.
* * *
That night I put on a long black dress I had just bought. I put on the dress and walked slowly back to my cabin. I lit my candle garden again. I lit the lights and sparks exploded from the tops of them. The smell of rosemary and juniper filled the cabin, and I could almost feel the energy expand in the cabin as I raised my arms and cried out to my spirit, to the one I had called to help me.
I raised my arms and said, “This magic is spent and sent.”
The night grew bright and I felt drunk on the power of the night. I snuffed each candle out and walked back home. In the morning, everyone on the floor was born again. The soldier’s wife came back to him. The doe-eyed rape victim found all her rapists suddenly repentant and wanting desperately to give her money to make amends for their crimes. The old man who was drowning in his grief found himself comforted by his wife’s widowed sister. Candy was gone to her new home and the floor was filled with joy.
Ellie pulled me aside after group, “You should have private sessions. You should go into private practice. You are really a miracle worker.”
“I can’t,” I said softly. “I can’t get my license.”
“Don’t call it psychology, then. Call yourself a New Age healer. You don’t need a license to be a healer”
“I don’t think so,” I said.
“Look at what you’ve done,” Ellie said. “I know it was you. I’ve been everyplace looking for this kind of happiness. It’s you. You’ve fixed everything. You shouldn’t hide a gift like this. I have a little place that I own. It’s just a little shop, but I have a couple ladies that work there, doing massage therapy, you know? You should stop by. I have an extra office. You could work out of my office. You could just charge fee for service like I do and then the licensing and the insurance wouldn’t matter. You are amazing. You shouldn’t waste this gift or confine it to these walls.”
I had no idea Ellie could be so eloquent or passionate. I hadn’t ever seen her without snot dangling out of her nose.
“Thanks, Ellie, but …”
Ellie just handed me her card and walked away. She didn’t give me time to say no again. I looked at my watch. It was time to go to the ER. There were more people to see. I walked over to the nurse’s station to tell them where I was going. Millie was scowling at me. I really didn’t want to deal with her shit, but I couldn’t see my way around it, so I walked right up to her.
“I can see what you’re doing and you have to know that you’re hurting these people more than you are helping them,” she hissed.
“How do you figure that?” I asked
“They’ll never learn to deal with life,” she said.
“Yeah. Because life is teaching them well. It’s teaching them that some people get nothing but shit and others get bowls of gold-plated chocolate. Life is crap. Any relief I can give to the people on the bottom of the pile of shit, I’ll do without thinking, because some people never have to learn to deal with life and others do nothing but deal with it. And you know what, if you get in my way, I will put a curse on you so thick that you’ll have to crawl through your own vomit to get to the bathroom to vomit some more.”
Millie drew back in something that resembled fear. I had never seen Millie back down. I had never seen anyone silence her, but I had. She placed her hand over her mouth. I looked
* * *
That night I put on a long black dress I had just bought. I put on the dress and walked slowly back to my cabin. I lit my candle garden again. I lit the lights and sparks exploded from the tops of them. The smell of rosemary and juniper filled the cabin, and I could almost feel the energy expand in the cabin as I raised my arms and cried out to my spirit, to the one I had called to help me.
I raised my arms and said, “This magic is spent and sent.”
The night grew bright and I felt drunk on the power of the night. I snuffed each candle out and walked back home. In the morning, everyone on the floor was born again. The soldier’s wife came back to him. The doe-eyed rape victim found all her rapists suddenly repentant and wanting desperately to give her money to make amends for their crimes. The old man who was drowning in his grief found himself comforted by his wife’s widowed sister. Candy was gone to her new home and the floor was filled with joy.
Ellie pulled me aside after group, “You should have private sessions. You should go into private practice. You are really a miracle worker.”
“I can’t,” I said softly. “I can’t get my license.”
“Don’t call it psychology, then. Call yourself a New Age healer. You don’t need a license to be a healer”
“I don’t think so,” I said.
“Look at what you’ve done,” Ellie said. “I know it was you. I’ve been everyplace looking for this kind of happiness. It’s you. You’ve fixed everything. You shouldn’t hide a gift like this. I have a little place that I own. It’s just a little shop, but I have a couple ladies that work there, doing massage therapy, you know? You should stop by. I have an extra office. You could work out of my office. You could just charge fee for service like I do and then the licensing and the insurance wouldn’t matter. You are amazing. You shouldn’t waste this gift or confine it to these walls.”
I had no idea Ellie could be so eloquent or passionate. I hadn’t ever seen her without snot dangling out of her nose.
“Thanks, Ellie, but …”
Ellie just handed me her card and walked away. She didn’t give me time to say no again. I looked at my watch. It was time to go to the ER. There were more people to see. I walked over to the nurse’s station to tell them where I was going. Millie was scowling at me. I really didn’t want to deal with her shit, but I couldn’t see my way around it, so I walked right up to her.
“I can see what you’re doing and you have to know that you’re hurting these people more than you are helping them,” she hissed.
“How do you figure that?” I asked
“They’ll never learn to deal with life,” she said.
“Yeah. Because life is teaching them well. It’s teaching them that some people get nothing but shit and others get bowls of gold-plated chocolate. Life is crap. Any relief I can give to the people on the bottom of the pile of shit, I’ll do without thinking, because some people never have to learn to deal with life and others do nothing but deal with it. And you know what, if you get in my way, I will put a curse on you so thick that you’ll have to crawl through your own vomit to get to the bathroom to vomit some more.”
Millie drew back in something that resembled fear. I had never seen Millie back down. I had never seen anyone silence her, but I had. She placed her hand over her mouth. I looked
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