The 1-2-3 Magic Workbook for Christian Parents: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 by Thomas W. Phelan, Chris Webb Page B
Authors: Thomas W. Phelan, Chris Webb
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for any
dessert,” said one little girl who wanted a snack at 5:00 in the afternoon.
Some promises kids make are impossibilities. One little boy, while in the
process of pressing his father for a new computer said, “I’ll never ask
you for anything ever again.”
Apologies can be sincere, and they can also be examples of butter
up testing. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I said I’m sorry,” one little boy pleaded
in an attempt to avoid a grounding for socking his little brother.
Butter up manipulation is obviously the least obnoxious of all the
testing tactics. Some people, in fact, don’t think it should be labeled as
testing at all. It is true that butter up is sometimes hard to distinguish from
genuine affection. If a child says “I love you” and then proceeds not to
ask for anything, it’s probably genuine affection. And a child who asks
if he can have a friend over if he cleans up his room may be proposing
a straightforward and legitimate deal. But if you’ve ever heard a parent
say, “The only time my son’s ever nice is when he wants something,”
that person is probably referring to butter up.
80 1-2-3 MAGIC
6. Physical Tactics
From a parent’s perspective, this last form of testing is perhaps the worst
strategy of all. Here the frustrated child may physically attack an adult,
break something or run away. Physical methods of trying to get one’s
way, of course, are more common in smaller children who don’t have well
developed language skills. When the use of this type of testing continues
beyond age four or five, however, we begin to worry. Some kids have a
long history of this kind of behavior, and the bigger the child gets, the
scarier their physical strategies get.
Some parents who use time outs, for example, tell us that their
children sometimes physically attack them when the parent is trying to
escort the child to the time-out area. (Any child who is mad enough to
assault his parent is certainly not going to go voluntarily to his room.)
Some youngsters become quite ferocious, kicking, biting, scratching,
pinching and hitting while yelling at the top of their lungs.
Other frustrated, physical y-oriented kids wil smash or break
things—sometimes even their own possessions. One ten-year-old boy,
for instance, was sent to his room for fighting with his brother. The door
to his bedroom happened to be shut when he got to it, so he gave it one
of his best karate kicks, cracking the door down the middle. Another
lad smashed a coffee mug on the tile floor in the front hall of the house.
Unfortunately, one of the larger pieces of the mug went flying into the
glass storm door, which promptly disintegrated.
Another physical testing tactic, running away, is not used a lot by
younger children. Threats to run away appear more often in this age group.
One seven-year-old boy, though, used a different version of this idea on
his mother, who had just denied his request to go outside. The boy sneaked
down to the basement and hid for two hours, not responding to anyone who
cal ed his name. The tactic was effective, at least in punishing his mother,
who was beside herself with worry by the time her son reappeared.
Badgering, temper, threat, martyrdom, butter up and physical tac-
tics. These are the methods children use to get their way from adults.
And all these tactics, except butter up, can also be used by kids to punish
the uncooperative adults who obstinately persist in refusing to give the
youngsters what they want.
TESTING AND MANIPULATION 81
Which strategies are the favorites of your sons and daughters?
We have taken several surveys of parents and teachers, asking which
tactics they thought children used the most. Interestingly, both groups of
grownups always mention the same three: badgering, temper and—the
overwhelming favorite—martyrdom.
You will also be interested to know that the most annoying manipula-
tive maneuver used by children is a
dessert,” said one little girl who wanted a snack at 5:00 in the afternoon.
Some promises kids make are impossibilities. One little boy, while in the
process of pressing his father for a new computer said, “I’ll never ask
you for anything ever again.”
Apologies can be sincere, and they can also be examples of butter
up testing. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I said I’m sorry,” one little boy pleaded
in an attempt to avoid a grounding for socking his little brother.
Butter up manipulation is obviously the least obnoxious of all the
testing tactics. Some people, in fact, don’t think it should be labeled as
testing at all. It is true that butter up is sometimes hard to distinguish from
genuine affection. If a child says “I love you” and then proceeds not to
ask for anything, it’s probably genuine affection. And a child who asks
if he can have a friend over if he cleans up his room may be proposing
a straightforward and legitimate deal. But if you’ve ever heard a parent
say, “The only time my son’s ever nice is when he wants something,”
that person is probably referring to butter up.
80 1-2-3 MAGIC
6. Physical Tactics
From a parent’s perspective, this last form of testing is perhaps the worst
strategy of all. Here the frustrated child may physically attack an adult,
break something or run away. Physical methods of trying to get one’s
way, of course, are more common in smaller children who don’t have well
developed language skills. When the use of this type of testing continues
beyond age four or five, however, we begin to worry. Some kids have a
long history of this kind of behavior, and the bigger the child gets, the
scarier their physical strategies get.
Some parents who use time outs, for example, tell us that their
children sometimes physically attack them when the parent is trying to
escort the child to the time-out area. (Any child who is mad enough to
assault his parent is certainly not going to go voluntarily to his room.)
Some youngsters become quite ferocious, kicking, biting, scratching,
pinching and hitting while yelling at the top of their lungs.
Other frustrated, physical y-oriented kids wil smash or break
things—sometimes even their own possessions. One ten-year-old boy,
for instance, was sent to his room for fighting with his brother. The door
to his bedroom happened to be shut when he got to it, so he gave it one
of his best karate kicks, cracking the door down the middle. Another
lad smashed a coffee mug on the tile floor in the front hall of the house.
Unfortunately, one of the larger pieces of the mug went flying into the
glass storm door, which promptly disintegrated.
Another physical testing tactic, running away, is not used a lot by
younger children. Threats to run away appear more often in this age group.
One seven-year-old boy, though, used a different version of this idea on
his mother, who had just denied his request to go outside. The boy sneaked
down to the basement and hid for two hours, not responding to anyone who
cal ed his name. The tactic was effective, at least in punishing his mother,
who was beside herself with worry by the time her son reappeared.
Badgering, temper, threat, martyrdom, butter up and physical tac-
tics. These are the methods children use to get their way from adults.
And all these tactics, except butter up, can also be used by kids to punish
the uncooperative adults who obstinately persist in refusing to give the
youngsters what they want.
TESTING AND MANIPULATION 81
Which strategies are the favorites of your sons and daughters?
We have taken several surveys of parents and teachers, asking which
tactics they thought children used the most. Interestingly, both groups of
grownups always mention the same three: badgering, temper and—the
overwhelming favorite—martyrdom.
You will also be interested to know that the most annoying manipula-
tive maneuver used by children is a
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