The 1-2-3 Magic Workbook for Christian Parents: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 by Thomas W. Phelan, Chris Webb Page A
Authors: Thomas W. Phelan, Chris Webb
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seem to have
a “guilt button” the size of the state of Wyoming! All the kids have to do
is push that button andthe youngsters wind up running the house.
Children learn early on that parents are highly invested in the welfare
of their offspring. Kids know their caretakers want them safe, happy and
healthy. Unfortunately, kids also seem to naturally appreciate a logical
consequence of this adult commitment: Acting hurt or deprived can be a
powerful way of influencing adult behavior.
78 1-2-3 MAGIC
Two-year-olds, for example, will sometimes hold their breath till
they turn blue when they are mad about not getting what they want. Many
parents wonder how a child can even come up with an idea like that.
Another creative child, whose mother had just sent her to her bedroom,
was heard yelling out her window, “I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe!” This
tactic may have been creative, but it was not effective.
What’s Going On Here?
Before we finish our list of the Six Kinds of Testing and Manipulation,
let’s stop and figure out what this commotion is
Quik Tip…
all about. Just exactly what are the kids trying to
Remember that a
accomplish with all these maneuvers, and how
child who is testing do they think the process will work?
you is offering you a
Most kids, of course, would never be able to
deal: Give me what I want
and my badgering,
describe the underlying mechanics of testing. But
temper, threat or
we can tell you exactly what’s going on. Here’s
martyrdom will end—
how it works: The first four tactics—badgering,
immediately! Does that
intimidation, threat and martyrdom—share a
sound like a deal you can’t
refuse? Accept it and
common dynamic. The child, without quite
you’re in trouble.
knowing what he’s doing, is in effect saying to
the parent something like this: “Look, you’re
making me uncomfortable by not giving me what
I want. You’re making me get out of bed, you’re counting me for teas-
ing my sister or you’re not buying me a treat. But now I’m also making
you uncomfortable with my badgering, tantrums, ominous statements or
feeling sorry for myself. Now that we’re both uncomfortable, I’ll make
you a deal: You call off your dogs and I’ll call off mine.”
If you do give in and give the child what he wants, you are guar-
anteed that any testing will stop immediately. In a split second, no more
hassles. Some people say, “Thank heaven—there’s a way of getting rid
of testing and manipulation!” There certainly is, but what’s the catch?
The catch, of course, is who’s running your house? It certainly isn’t you;
it’s the kids. All they have to do in a conflict situation is get out their big
manipulation guns and you are chopped liver.
TESTING AND MANIPULATION 79
Now let’s finish our list of testing tactics. The last two, when com-
pared to each other, are like day and night.
5. Butter Up
The fifth tactic, butter up, takes an approach that’s different from the first
four. Instead of making you feel uncomfortable, with butter up the child
tries to make you feel good. You may then run the risk of losing this good
feeling if you subsequently frustrate the child.
“Gee, Mom, you’ve got the prettiest eyes of anybody on the block”
is a fairly blatant example. Or, “I think I’ll go clean my room. It’s been
looking kind of messy for the last three weeks. And after that maybe I’ll
take a look at the garage.”
With butter up the basic message from child to parent is: “You’ll
feel really bad if you mistreat or discipline or deny me after how nice I’ve
been to you.” Butter up is intended to be an advance set-up for parental
guilt. The child is implying, “You’ll feel so positively toward me that you
won’t have the heart to make me feel bad.”
Promises can be used by children as butter up manipulation. “Please,
Mom. Please. I’ll eat my dinner and I promise I won’t even ask
a “guilt button” the size of the state of Wyoming! All the kids have to do
is push that button andthe youngsters wind up running the house.
Children learn early on that parents are highly invested in the welfare
of their offspring. Kids know their caretakers want them safe, happy and
healthy. Unfortunately, kids also seem to naturally appreciate a logical
consequence of this adult commitment: Acting hurt or deprived can be a
powerful way of influencing adult behavior.
78 1-2-3 MAGIC
Two-year-olds, for example, will sometimes hold their breath till
they turn blue when they are mad about not getting what they want. Many
parents wonder how a child can even come up with an idea like that.
Another creative child, whose mother had just sent her to her bedroom,
was heard yelling out her window, “I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe!” This
tactic may have been creative, but it was not effective.
What’s Going On Here?
Before we finish our list of the Six Kinds of Testing and Manipulation,
let’s stop and figure out what this commotion is
Quik Tip…
all about. Just exactly what are the kids trying to
Remember that a
accomplish with all these maneuvers, and how
child who is testing do they think the process will work?
you is offering you a
Most kids, of course, would never be able to
deal: Give me what I want
and my badgering,
describe the underlying mechanics of testing. But
temper, threat or
we can tell you exactly what’s going on. Here’s
martyrdom will end—
how it works: The first four tactics—badgering,
immediately! Does that
intimidation, threat and martyrdom—share a
sound like a deal you can’t
refuse? Accept it and
common dynamic. The child, without quite
you’re in trouble.
knowing what he’s doing, is in effect saying to
the parent something like this: “Look, you’re
making me uncomfortable by not giving me what
I want. You’re making me get out of bed, you’re counting me for teas-
ing my sister or you’re not buying me a treat. But now I’m also making
you uncomfortable with my badgering, tantrums, ominous statements or
feeling sorry for myself. Now that we’re both uncomfortable, I’ll make
you a deal: You call off your dogs and I’ll call off mine.”
If you do give in and give the child what he wants, you are guar-
anteed that any testing will stop immediately. In a split second, no more
hassles. Some people say, “Thank heaven—there’s a way of getting rid
of testing and manipulation!” There certainly is, but what’s the catch?
The catch, of course, is who’s running your house? It certainly isn’t you;
it’s the kids. All they have to do in a conflict situation is get out their big
manipulation guns and you are chopped liver.
TESTING AND MANIPULATION 79
Now let’s finish our list of testing tactics. The last two, when com-
pared to each other, are like day and night.
5. Butter Up
The fifth tactic, butter up, takes an approach that’s different from the first
four. Instead of making you feel uncomfortable, with butter up the child
tries to make you feel good. You may then run the risk of losing this good
feeling if you subsequently frustrate the child.
“Gee, Mom, you’ve got the prettiest eyes of anybody on the block”
is a fairly blatant example. Or, “I think I’ll go clean my room. It’s been
looking kind of messy for the last three weeks. And after that maybe I’ll
take a look at the garage.”
With butter up the basic message from child to parent is: “You’ll
feel really bad if you mistreat or discipline or deny me after how nice I’ve
been to you.” Butter up is intended to be an advance set-up for parental
guilt. The child is implying, “You’ll feel so positively toward me that you
won’t have the heart to make me feel bad.”
Promises can be used by children as butter up manipulation. “Please,
Mom. Please. I’ll eat my dinner and I promise I won’t even ask
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