look for a stuffed animal they could hold.”
The picture of him doing that brought a lump to her throat. “And did you hug them when they got scared?”
“Well, sure, but—”
“And when they were sad, did you tell them funny stories to make them laugh?”
“Once I learned the language, but—”
“And if they did something wonderful, if they were kind or generous or brave or smart, did you tell them they were great?”
“Of course.”
“Nat, that’s all there is to it, whether you’re talking about a refugee child in a faraway country or Elizabeth. That’s all you have to do.”
“The hell it is! What if they do something stupid? How do you keep them from doing dumb things?”
She thought about her restrictive childhood in which she’d hardly been allowed to make a mistake. She’d broken free of that, and maybe she’d been stupid when she accidentally got pregnant. But as a result she had Elizabeth.
“Got you there, haven’t I?” he said.
She met his gaze. “I think, within reason, you have to let them be stupid.”
He snorted in derision. “Yeah, so they can get themselves killed, and maybe somebody else in the process.” He said the words so automatically he seemed to be reciting a memorized lesson.
“Is that how your father justified beating you to a bloody pulp? That he was keeping you from killing yourself?”
“Sometimes.” He glanced at her. “Sometimes I think it was for the pure enjoyment of it.”
Talk about monsters, she thought. “You have to know you’re nothing like him.”
He didn’t reply as he continued to hold her gaze.
“Nat, you’re not like him! I’m sure of it.”
“Better go take your shower.”
She recognized the wall he’d just put up between them. She’d seen him construct it often enough in the year they’d been seeing each other. Once that wall went up, she had no hope of breaking through to him. But he hadn’t seen Elizabeth yet. Jessica clung to the hope that the baby, his baby, might be the one thing that could breach that wall.
“Okay,” she said.
“I’ll call and arrange for a rental car, and I don’t want to hear about you paying for it.”
She hesitated. Letting him pay for things seemed almost as if she’d be giving him the easy way out. She didn’t want his money. She wanted his participation in raising Elizabeth, or she wanted nothing.
“Please, Jess.” His mask slipped a little. “It’s what I can do for now. Can you accept that?”
She took a deep breath and nodded. “Okay. For now.”
“Good. I’ll call and get us a car.”
As he walked over to the phone, she went into the bathroom and started the shower.
Nat was liable to break her heart all over again, she thought as she slipped out of the robe, tied her hair into a knot on top of her head and stepped under the hot spray. She wanted to believe that he would see Elizabeth and fall in love with the baby, so deeply in love that he’d be willing to rethink his position about marriage and children.
But that might not happen. He’d walked away once, and if the baby scared him enough, he would walk away again.
With that possibility hanging over her head, she probably shouldn’t continue to make love to him. She was only setting herself up for a worse fall if she became accustomed to his sweet loving on a regular basis. If he couldn’t cherish Elizabeth as she did, then she’d have to tell him goodbye.
But she’d better let him know they wouldn’t be makinglove. She needed to tell him before they started on their trip to Colorado. Considering her behavior up to this point, he would be justified in expecting to continue their physical relationship. After all, she hadn’t made sleeping with him contingent on anything. She’d simply fallen into his arms at the first opportunity.
She didn’t want to set up contingencies for when they would make love again, as if he had to agree to marry her before he could enjoy her body. That was too much like blackmail.
The picture of him doing that brought a lump to her throat. “And did you hug them when they got scared?”
“Well, sure, but—”
“And when they were sad, did you tell them funny stories to make them laugh?”
“Once I learned the language, but—”
“And if they did something wonderful, if they were kind or generous or brave or smart, did you tell them they were great?”
“Of course.”
“Nat, that’s all there is to it, whether you’re talking about a refugee child in a faraway country or Elizabeth. That’s all you have to do.”
“The hell it is! What if they do something stupid? How do you keep them from doing dumb things?”
She thought about her restrictive childhood in which she’d hardly been allowed to make a mistake. She’d broken free of that, and maybe she’d been stupid when she accidentally got pregnant. But as a result she had Elizabeth.
“Got you there, haven’t I?” he said.
She met his gaze. “I think, within reason, you have to let them be stupid.”
He snorted in derision. “Yeah, so they can get themselves killed, and maybe somebody else in the process.” He said the words so automatically he seemed to be reciting a memorized lesson.
“Is that how your father justified beating you to a bloody pulp? That he was keeping you from killing yourself?”
“Sometimes.” He glanced at her. “Sometimes I think it was for the pure enjoyment of it.”
Talk about monsters, she thought. “You have to know you’re nothing like him.”
He didn’t reply as he continued to hold her gaze.
“Nat, you’re not like him! I’m sure of it.”
“Better go take your shower.”
She recognized the wall he’d just put up between them. She’d seen him construct it often enough in the year they’d been seeing each other. Once that wall went up, she had no hope of breaking through to him. But he hadn’t seen Elizabeth yet. Jessica clung to the hope that the baby, his baby, might be the one thing that could breach that wall.
“Okay,” she said.
“I’ll call and arrange for a rental car, and I don’t want to hear about you paying for it.”
She hesitated. Letting him pay for things seemed almost as if she’d be giving him the easy way out. She didn’t want his money. She wanted his participation in raising Elizabeth, or she wanted nothing.
“Please, Jess.” His mask slipped a little. “It’s what I can do for now. Can you accept that?”
She took a deep breath and nodded. “Okay. For now.”
“Good. I’ll call and get us a car.”
As he walked over to the phone, she went into the bathroom and started the shower.
Nat was liable to break her heart all over again, she thought as she slipped out of the robe, tied her hair into a knot on top of her head and stepped under the hot spray. She wanted to believe that he would see Elizabeth and fall in love with the baby, so deeply in love that he’d be willing to rethink his position about marriage and children.
But that might not happen. He’d walked away once, and if the baby scared him enough, he would walk away again.
With that possibility hanging over her head, she probably shouldn’t continue to make love to him. She was only setting herself up for a worse fall if she became accustomed to his sweet loving on a regular basis. If he couldn’t cherish Elizabeth as she did, then she’d have to tell him goodbye.
But she’d better let him know they wouldn’t be makinglove. She needed to tell him before they started on their trip to Colorado. Considering her behavior up to this point, he would be justified in expecting to continue their physical relationship. After all, she hadn’t made sleeping with him contingent on anything. She’d simply fallen into his arms at the first opportunity.
She didn’t want to set up contingencies for when they would make love again, as if he had to agree to marry her before he could enjoy her body. That was too much like blackmail.
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