That's My Baby! by Vicki Lewis Thompson Page A

because I wanted to.” She’d noticed that they were both avoiding using the word love to describe their feelings for each other.
    For her part, she hesitated because she didn’t want to saddle him with even more guilt. With Nat, it was probablya way to maintain some distance, despite their obvious sexual need for each other. He might figure that if he claimed to love her, she would expect certain things.
    “Nevertheless,” he persisted, “if our relationship had been out in the open, you might have gotten some advice from a girlfriend about those antibiotics.”
    “But then there would have been no Elizabeth.”
    “My point exactly.”
    Jessica could no longer contemplate a world without her baby in it, and the fact that Nat could imagine such a thing shocked her. She put down her fork and leaned toward him. “We need to get a few things straight. I don’t regret one single minute I spent with you. I had a fabulous time. And I especially don’t regret that I became pregnant with your child. But I assume you’re not happy about the baby.”
    “You assume right.”
    Although she’d been expecting him to agree with her, his statement still hurt. She hurried on, not wanting him to know it. “That’s why I want to take all the responsibility, as long as I can do it. I don’t want Elizabeth’s needs handled by a man who begrudges her existence.”
    “I didn’t say that, damn it!”
    She stood and tightened the belt on her robe. “Yes, you did. Do you want the shower first, or should I take it? We need to get on the road.”
    “Not until we settle this we don’t.” He pushed back his chair and nearly upset the breakfast tray as he got to his feet. “When you say I begrudge her existence, you make it sound like I’m upset because of the inconvenience. I don’t give a damn about the inconvenience! What I regret more than I can say is bringing a child into the world by accident, when I have zero confidence in my abilities to be a father to that child.”
    So they were back to that. But things had changed since the last time they’d had this argument. She played hertrump card. “If that’s so, then what were you doing in some hellhole taking care of orphans? ”
    He flinched, and then his voice rose. “Maybe I was testing myself, okay? Maybe I wanted to see if I’d have the urge to get violent with those children.”
    She thought there was a lot more to his work with the refugees than that, but she wasn’t going to question him on that point now. “And did you get violent?”
    He looked away from her to gaze out the window. “No.”
    “Then you must know you’ll be fine.”
    He swung back to face her. “I don’t know that! You’d have to be a monster to lay a hand on those kids. They’d been through so much, patience was easy.” He ran a hand over his face. “Some of them, especially the boys, tried so hard to be tough, but you could see that inside they were terrified.”
    Like you were as a child. Gazing at his anxious expression, she could picture the frightened little boy he must have been. She wanted to wrap her arms around him and let him know he’d never have to be that frightened again, but she didn’t dare trespass on that minefield-strewn land. “It must have been terrible,” she murmured.
    “It was.” He stared into the distance.
    She guessed he’d seen his own experience in every child’s face. Nat might as well have been orphaned, with no mother and totally at the mercy of a violent father who didn’t know how to love. Living with a father like Hank Grady might not have been so different from living in a war zone. “You wouldn’t have to worry about being violent around Elizabeth,” she said gently. “I’ll be there.”
    He snapped out of his daze and glanced at her. He looked so heartbreakingly vulnerable. “I don’t know how to do this, Jess. With the orphans, it was easy. Get them clothes, get them food, find them a bed. Comb through the donations coming in and