Textastrophe: A Collection of Hilariously Catastrophic Text Pranks by Matt Andrews Page B
Authors: Matt Andrews
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basically ruined the thing.
That thing is basically priceless.
I’ll be happy to refund you for your purchase but that’s it.
You should know better than to feed a candy bar to your dog.
Well can you at least answer a question I’ve been having trouble with?
Sure
What kind of dumb ass pet shop owner sells human food in their store?
Ok Jackass
I’m not the person who fed their dog a candy bar. Who the hell doesn’t have the intelligence to know that you shouldn’t feed your dog a butterfingers?!
How about you call and apologize to Professor Dreamsicle.
I can put you on speakerphone.
Screw you.
Is this Sebastian?
Ya who is this?
Are you the guy responsible for the restroom at the Gas Station?
Yes
Have you checked the cleanliness of the restroom recently?
Yes
I was there yesterday
I’m in here now.
It looks like someone asphyxiated your toilet with an amount of feces that would gag a large animal.
Ok I’ll have to go look. Sorry about that.
Also, it looks like somebody took your sign, wiped their ass, then replaced it to its original spot.
Can you alert the attendant working?
I informed the staff and he told me to “deal with it”.
You better make this right, Sebastian.
Of course
The bathroom will be dealt with immediately.
Can I get a free jerky or something?
I’m sorry
I do apologize for the experience but I can’t give you merchandise.
I can assure that the bathroom will be kept clean upon your next visit.
I text him 20 minutes later …
Sebastian!
I tried walking out of your gas station with 2 Slim Jims and a grape soda.
Your employee called the cops on me!
You stole them?
I told them you said I could take them
I told you NOT to take anything.
You said you would I make it right Sebastian!
And I believed you!
Oh God
You ask me to make it right and I apologized for your experience.
It’s your bad. Think before you commit a crime.
I was trying to help you do your job and now I’m going to jail.
Now I’ll probably have to go to community college and end up managing some shitty gas station in the middle of nowhere.
Hey go fuck yourself asshole
Sebastian! Make it right!
Sebastian?
Sebastian!?!?
I text him at 11pm …
Hello, are you still looking to buy big satellites?
Yes, but did you not read the ad??? I said no calls or text after 5pm!
I know. But I have a deal that I had to tell you about. It’s just way too good to pass up, man.
Ok? What you got?
My name is Nwabudike and I am a Nigerian prince. Please I would like to keep this proposal as a top-secret and delete if you are not interested and get back to me if you are interested for details as regards to the transfer of $24,500,500.00 US dollars. I seek your good assistance to invest these funds into a profitable investment in your country. During this dispensation please I count on your absolute confidentiality, transparency and trust while looking forward to your prompt reply towards a swift conclusion of this transaction. Many thanks and blessing remains with you.
If you contact me again I’m calling the cops!
Is this the guy looking for a PT cruiser wheel?
Yes. Do you have a 7 spoke 16 inch cast aluminum?
Yeah, she does. How much you want it for?
Call me and we can talk about the price.
Sorry, I’m in class. I can only text.
How about $40?
Cool, that works. Do you know how to take off a tire?
Why?
Not trying to be a smart ass but I would pay 8 bucks not to mess with it.
It’s my grandma’s car.
We’re gunna have to sneak into her garage and get it. I don’t know how to take a tire off cuz I’m only 15. I can’t even drive.
Your grandmas car?
Ya. She drives it like once a week. She will never know it’s gone.
You got a jack?
I aint stealing a wheel!
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Stealing? Nobody said anything about stealing. Here’s how it’s gunna go down. I can take my grandmas garage door opener today after school, so I can get you in
That thing is basically priceless.
I’ll be happy to refund you for your purchase but that’s it.
You should know better than to feed a candy bar to your dog.
Well can you at least answer a question I’ve been having trouble with?
Sure
What kind of dumb ass pet shop owner sells human food in their store?
Ok Jackass
I’m not the person who fed their dog a candy bar. Who the hell doesn’t have the intelligence to know that you shouldn’t feed your dog a butterfingers?!
How about you call and apologize to Professor Dreamsicle.
I can put you on speakerphone.
Screw you.
Is this Sebastian?
Ya who is this?
Are you the guy responsible for the restroom at the Gas Station?
Yes
Have you checked the cleanliness of the restroom recently?
Yes
I was there yesterday
I’m in here now.
It looks like someone asphyxiated your toilet with an amount of feces that would gag a large animal.
Ok I’ll have to go look. Sorry about that.
Also, it looks like somebody took your sign, wiped their ass, then replaced it to its original spot.
Can you alert the attendant working?
I informed the staff and he told me to “deal with it”.
You better make this right, Sebastian.
Of course
The bathroom will be dealt with immediately.
Can I get a free jerky or something?
I’m sorry
I do apologize for the experience but I can’t give you merchandise.
I can assure that the bathroom will be kept clean upon your next visit.
I text him 20 minutes later …
Sebastian!
I tried walking out of your gas station with 2 Slim Jims and a grape soda.
Your employee called the cops on me!
You stole them?
I told them you said I could take them
I told you NOT to take anything.
You said you would I make it right Sebastian!
And I believed you!
Oh God
You ask me to make it right and I apologized for your experience.
It’s your bad. Think before you commit a crime.
I was trying to help you do your job and now I’m going to jail.
Now I’ll probably have to go to community college and end up managing some shitty gas station in the middle of nowhere.
Hey go fuck yourself asshole
Sebastian! Make it right!
Sebastian?
Sebastian!?!?
I text him at 11pm …
Hello, are you still looking to buy big satellites?
Yes, but did you not read the ad??? I said no calls or text after 5pm!
I know. But I have a deal that I had to tell you about. It’s just way too good to pass up, man.
Ok? What you got?
My name is Nwabudike and I am a Nigerian prince. Please I would like to keep this proposal as a top-secret and delete if you are not interested and get back to me if you are interested for details as regards to the transfer of $24,500,500.00 US dollars. I seek your good assistance to invest these funds into a profitable investment in your country. During this dispensation please I count on your absolute confidentiality, transparency and trust while looking forward to your prompt reply towards a swift conclusion of this transaction. Many thanks and blessing remains with you.
If you contact me again I’m calling the cops!
Is this the guy looking for a PT cruiser wheel?
Yes. Do you have a 7 spoke 16 inch cast aluminum?
Yeah, she does. How much you want it for?
Call me and we can talk about the price.
Sorry, I’m in class. I can only text.
How about $40?
Cool, that works. Do you know how to take off a tire?
Why?
Not trying to be a smart ass but I would pay 8 bucks not to mess with it.
It’s my grandma’s car.
We’re gunna have to sneak into her garage and get it. I don’t know how to take a tire off cuz I’m only 15. I can’t even drive.
Your grandmas car?
Ya. She drives it like once a week. She will never know it’s gone.
You got a jack?
I aint stealing a wheel!
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Stealing? Nobody said anything about stealing. Here’s how it’s gunna go down. I can take my grandmas garage door opener today after school, so I can get you in
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