Textastrophe: A Collection of Hilariously Catastrophic Text Pranks by Matt Andrews Page A
Authors: Matt Andrews
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how you run your business?
You lure people in with signs saying “Hey, you want some free shit” then drop a bill on their table?
I’m sorry you misunderstood.
You know what I think?
I think I’ll be paying your establishment a little nightly visit and “fixing” your sign.
Catch my drift?
So basically you’re admitting to a potential crime of vandalizing the building?
Ok
I don’t know a few of those words but just know I’ll be “handling the situation”
Listen Mr. Nuggets, if you do anything to the building, I’ll have to notify the police.
I’m sorry you were confused by the sign outside but I can’t just give you and your family free meals. If you’d like to talk about the issue tomorrow, I’ll be here when the doors open.
Not if I see you first.
If you catch my drift.
Right
Well like I said, I’ll be here tomorrow if you would like to further discuss the issue.
I text him early the next day …
Fixed your sign
What the hell is wrong with you man!
Just doing what’s right.
I’m on my way there right now you asshole!
This conversation is going straight to the police!
He texts me 20 minutes later …
ok dick. I’m here and the sign is fine.
Who is this really?
It’s Joseph
Joseph who?
Joseph Crabshack.
The Dog Treats
Coincidentally, they have a snack section (for humans) next to the check-out register.
Is this Rhonda of Pet Shop?
Yes
I got a bit of a dilemma on my hands.
I’m sorry, who is this?
My name is Dwayne Bumpus. I was over at your pet shop earlier today.
The sign next to the door says to contact you if any of the products aren’t up to par.
Oh yes!
What product are you having trouble with?
Well I fed one of your doggy treats to my pug, Professor Dreamsicle.
Now I got a dog that won’t stop horking the hot chowder.
Horking the hot chowder?
Vomiting?
Yes mam
He done just about blew his groceries all over my apartment.
Oh my, I’m so sorry!
I brought him in the bathroom and told him to aim for the commode. But he don’t understand.
Because, you know, he’s a dog.
yes
I’m sorry
The way I see it is, you sold us the dog treats, so this is your problem.
Of course.
Well please come back to the store tomorrow. I will fully refund your money.
We open at 8am.
Believe me, I plan on it.
I’m sorry to hear about your pug. We rarely have animals get sick from the treats, but some can have a reaction.
Professor Dreamsicle has never gotten sick from a treat before.
Then I feed him one from your establishment, now I got a dog spewin’ every 15 minutes.
For quality control purposes, which treat did you give him?
I’ll take note of it and forewarn the treat’s manufacturer and the rest of my employees for other possible dissatisfied customers.
Hold on, let me get the package out of the trash can.
He gobbled up about 3 pretty quick. I figured 3 was enough cuz of how big they are.
You bought that from my store?
That’s a Butterfinger candy bar.
Yes mam. Sitting right next to the cash register at the check out.
Oh now I realize what happened.
Those are meant for human consumption. We sell them with a few other food and drinks as refreshments when you leave the store.
You’re gonna sell people food at a pet shop?
I apologize for the misunderstanding.
I’d seek treatment from an emergency veterinarian if he continues to vomit.
Oh I already did that.
He told me to let you know that you shouldn’t include chocolate as an ingredient in your dog treats.
Well, yes.
But just so we’re clear, those aren’t dog treats. That’s a human snack.
Listen, you can call it a snack or a treat, but I’m gonna need a refund for it.
Of course.
And about $1200 for these vet bills.
Ok that’s not going to happen.
You think I’m gonna pay for this mess?
I’m certainly not.
Hey lady you’re lucky I don’t make you pay for my autographed “3 Doors Down” poster.
Some of your “human snacks” caught some major air on the way out and
You lure people in with signs saying “Hey, you want some free shit” then drop a bill on their table?
I’m sorry you misunderstood.
You know what I think?
I think I’ll be paying your establishment a little nightly visit and “fixing” your sign.
Catch my drift?
So basically you’re admitting to a potential crime of vandalizing the building?
Ok
I don’t know a few of those words but just know I’ll be “handling the situation”
Listen Mr. Nuggets, if you do anything to the building, I’ll have to notify the police.
I’m sorry you were confused by the sign outside but I can’t just give you and your family free meals. If you’d like to talk about the issue tomorrow, I’ll be here when the doors open.
Not if I see you first.
If you catch my drift.
Right
Well like I said, I’ll be here tomorrow if you would like to further discuss the issue.
I text him early the next day …
Fixed your sign
What the hell is wrong with you man!
Just doing what’s right.
I’m on my way there right now you asshole!
This conversation is going straight to the police!
He texts me 20 minutes later …
ok dick. I’m here and the sign is fine.
Who is this really?
It’s Joseph
Joseph who?
Joseph Crabshack.
The Dog Treats
Coincidentally, they have a snack section (for humans) next to the check-out register.
Is this Rhonda of Pet Shop?
Yes
I got a bit of a dilemma on my hands.
I’m sorry, who is this?
My name is Dwayne Bumpus. I was over at your pet shop earlier today.
The sign next to the door says to contact you if any of the products aren’t up to par.
Oh yes!
What product are you having trouble with?
Well I fed one of your doggy treats to my pug, Professor Dreamsicle.
Now I got a dog that won’t stop horking the hot chowder.
Horking the hot chowder?
Vomiting?
Yes mam
He done just about blew his groceries all over my apartment.
Oh my, I’m so sorry!
I brought him in the bathroom and told him to aim for the commode. But he don’t understand.
Because, you know, he’s a dog.
yes
I’m sorry
The way I see it is, you sold us the dog treats, so this is your problem.
Of course.
Well please come back to the store tomorrow. I will fully refund your money.
We open at 8am.
Believe me, I plan on it.
I’m sorry to hear about your pug. We rarely have animals get sick from the treats, but some can have a reaction.
Professor Dreamsicle has never gotten sick from a treat before.
Then I feed him one from your establishment, now I got a dog spewin’ every 15 minutes.
For quality control purposes, which treat did you give him?
I’ll take note of it and forewarn the treat’s manufacturer and the rest of my employees for other possible dissatisfied customers.
Hold on, let me get the package out of the trash can.
He gobbled up about 3 pretty quick. I figured 3 was enough cuz of how big they are.
You bought that from my store?
That’s a Butterfinger candy bar.
Yes mam. Sitting right next to the cash register at the check out.
Oh now I realize what happened.
Those are meant for human consumption. We sell them with a few other food and drinks as refreshments when you leave the store.
You’re gonna sell people food at a pet shop?
I apologize for the misunderstanding.
I’d seek treatment from an emergency veterinarian if he continues to vomit.
Oh I already did that.
He told me to let you know that you shouldn’t include chocolate as an ingredient in your dog treats.
Well, yes.
But just so we’re clear, those aren’t dog treats. That’s a human snack.
Listen, you can call it a snack or a treat, but I’m gonna need a refund for it.
Of course.
And about $1200 for these vet bills.
Ok that’s not going to happen.
You think I’m gonna pay for this mess?
I’m certainly not.
Hey lady you’re lucky I don’t make you pay for my autographed “3 Doors Down” poster.
Some of your “human snacks” caught some major air on the way out and
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