Tales of a First Time Mom: A collection of all the crap the baby books didn't tell me. Some gross, some funny, all absolutely true. by Paula Grahame Page B
Authors: Paula Grahame
Ads: Link
online and buying the cutest baby outfits and latest baby
gear. All of your money will be sucked into your new obsession and if you're
not careful you will be eating peanut butter and jelly every day. I haven't
bought myself anything that wasn't off of a clearance rack in what seems like
forever, but my son has a closet full of brand new (some designer) threads
that he is going to grow out of in 3 month increments. Where's the fairness?
Momma wants some Jimmy Choos.
Since we're on the topic of shoes, you should do
whatever you can to avoid shoelaces and straps during the last few months of
your pregnancy. It is completely impossible to bend over and tie shoes when
you are 9 months pregnant, plus you will just look ridiculous. You'll wind up
falling over on your back with your limbs up like an upside down insect. Go
ahead and call your husband in to help you up, but be prepared for the giggle
fit he is going to have seeing you in that state. Slip on shoes are the only
way to go. Slip on pumps. Slip on sneakers. Flip flops. Clogs. Whatever works
for you, but I guarantee shoelaces will not.
You already know that your feet will swell
making your toes look like tiny sausages during your pregnancy, but what you
might not know is that all of that swelling and pressure put on your poor feet
during your waddling days will cause your feet to grow at least a half size.
All of those fancy expensive shoes that you had before baby will be in that
donation bin in no time. I literally lived in denial for an entire year after
my son was born, squeezing my giant feet into my seemingly tiny shoes every day.
One day I woke up and just couldn't take the pain any longer. My feet were not
going to not shrink. I spent an hour sorting through the shoes that could no
longer be mine, although I did have a select few pair that I just couldn't part
with. It was a sad day in my closet, but I feel okay about it now because some
very lucky woman at the thrift store got some sweet stilettos thanks to me.
Besides, now I have an excuse to go shoe shopping. Score.
Unless you are a movie star you should know that
amazing new mommy fashion doesn't exist. You will not be walking out of the
hospital in a pair of skinny jeans paired with an awesome designer top,
matching shrug and ankle booties. In the real world new moms need comfortable,
cotton, easy to clean, easy to fold, toss in a drawer clothes. So get out your
mommy uniform ladies. You know – jeans, t-shirt, hoodie and flip flops. That's
what you're going to be wearing all the time – at least for a while. At home.
While you are grocery shopping. Date night with the husband. Hell, I'm wearing
mine right now as I'm typing this. And all of you long haired ladies be sure
buy some extra hair ties because unless you like having your hair yanked out by
a sticky fingered toddler, a pony tail is a must.
CHAPTER TWO
Pregnancy, Emotions and Swelling. Oh My.
You will sign up for every baby website,
pregnancy monitoring site, mommy blog, and parent’s forum on the internet.
Initially you will love them & take in every single piece of information
they throw at you. All of the advice on healthy eating, the importance of folic
acid and the suggestions of how to deal with your ever swelling ankles. You
know – all the stuff that your OB-GYN is going to tell you. Then one day it
will get to you. You will get so frustrated reading and sorting through the
54 emails the websites bombard you with every day. You will have a mini freak
out attack because every site has a different log in and password requirement
and your pregnancy brain has caused you to forget every single one of them.
The stress this causes you will bring you seconds away from tossing your laptop
off of the roof of your house. Then you will take a deep breath and instead of
smashing the expensive computer you got for your birthday last year, you will
unsubscribe and never visit
gear. All of your money will be sucked into your new obsession and if you're
not careful you will be eating peanut butter and jelly every day. I haven't
bought myself anything that wasn't off of a clearance rack in what seems like
forever, but my son has a closet full of brand new (some designer) threads
that he is going to grow out of in 3 month increments. Where's the fairness?
Momma wants some Jimmy Choos.
Since we're on the topic of shoes, you should do
whatever you can to avoid shoelaces and straps during the last few months of
your pregnancy. It is completely impossible to bend over and tie shoes when
you are 9 months pregnant, plus you will just look ridiculous. You'll wind up
falling over on your back with your limbs up like an upside down insect. Go
ahead and call your husband in to help you up, but be prepared for the giggle
fit he is going to have seeing you in that state. Slip on shoes are the only
way to go. Slip on pumps. Slip on sneakers. Flip flops. Clogs. Whatever works
for you, but I guarantee shoelaces will not.
You already know that your feet will swell
making your toes look like tiny sausages during your pregnancy, but what you
might not know is that all of that swelling and pressure put on your poor feet
during your waddling days will cause your feet to grow at least a half size.
All of those fancy expensive shoes that you had before baby will be in that
donation bin in no time. I literally lived in denial for an entire year after
my son was born, squeezing my giant feet into my seemingly tiny shoes every day.
One day I woke up and just couldn't take the pain any longer. My feet were not
going to not shrink. I spent an hour sorting through the shoes that could no
longer be mine, although I did have a select few pair that I just couldn't part
with. It was a sad day in my closet, but I feel okay about it now because some
very lucky woman at the thrift store got some sweet stilettos thanks to me.
Besides, now I have an excuse to go shoe shopping. Score.
Unless you are a movie star you should know that
amazing new mommy fashion doesn't exist. You will not be walking out of the
hospital in a pair of skinny jeans paired with an awesome designer top,
matching shrug and ankle booties. In the real world new moms need comfortable,
cotton, easy to clean, easy to fold, toss in a drawer clothes. So get out your
mommy uniform ladies. You know – jeans, t-shirt, hoodie and flip flops. That's
what you're going to be wearing all the time – at least for a while. At home.
While you are grocery shopping. Date night with the husband. Hell, I'm wearing
mine right now as I'm typing this. And all of you long haired ladies be sure
buy some extra hair ties because unless you like having your hair yanked out by
a sticky fingered toddler, a pony tail is a must.
CHAPTER TWO
Pregnancy, Emotions and Swelling. Oh My.
You will sign up for every baby website,
pregnancy monitoring site, mommy blog, and parent’s forum on the internet.
Initially you will love them & take in every single piece of information
they throw at you. All of the advice on healthy eating, the importance of folic
acid and the suggestions of how to deal with your ever swelling ankles. You
know – all the stuff that your OB-GYN is going to tell you. Then one day it
will get to you. You will get so frustrated reading and sorting through the
54 emails the websites bombard you with every day. You will have a mini freak
out attack because every site has a different log in and password requirement
and your pregnancy brain has caused you to forget every single one of them.
The stress this causes you will bring you seconds away from tossing your laptop
off of the roof of your house. Then you will take a deep breath and instead of
smashing the expensive computer you got for your birthday last year, you will
unsubscribe and never visit
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