Tales of a First Time Mom: A collection of all the crap the baby books didn't tell me. Some gross, some funny, all absolutely true. by Paula Grahame Page A

the shower ledge, lathering
up my crotch, placing the razor in the general vicinity of my nether region,
closing my eyes and just praying I removed hair.  I'm fairly certain my pubic
area looked like a four year olds first attempt at making a paper snowflake. 
In a related matter, shaving your legs with a giant belly is no picnic either.
I am so glad I had a winter baby.  Shorts plus one month of leg hair growth is
just nasty. 
     Your confidence level is at its peak knowing
that you are now a temporary incubator for your baby and thanks to your new
found confidence you just know you will be that amazing super mommy and be able
to do everything for yourself, your baby, your husband, maintain your perfect
home, and still be able to give your dog the attention that he wants.  You know
you will be able to handle it all and still have enough time and energy to work
out for two hours a day and get back into those pre-baby or better yet, those
pre-wedding jeans you've held on to for five years.  Well it’s time to wake
up.  My exercise routine has become endless cycle of chasing my son, picking up
toys, and jumping over the stuff he tosses out of his pack & play to avoid
breaking my ankle.
    Remember the good old days when you would take
your time in the shower?  When you would let the hot water stream over your
body for a half hour. Wash, rinse and repeat followed by a deep conditioning
treatment.  Then loading up your loofah with the finest of body washes and
lathering yourself slowly the way they do in those soap commercials.  Those
days are over ladies.  Showers will no longer be for enjoyment.  They become
the only 10 minutes of freedom in your day.  Your escape from reality.  A time
to rid yourself of the spit up that has crusted to your neck and baby boogies
that had somehow been tangled into your hair. Because I spend my precious
shower time scraping baby crud off of myself I can't even remember the last
time I shaved my legs. Here I am again talking about shaving. You must think I
look like a Yeti.  Perhaps I should just become one of those women that wax
everything.  Maybe if I did that then it wouldn't matter if I forgot to shave
because I'd have Oksana at the salon remember to take care of it for me. 
    Since we're discussing memory, you should know
that ‘Mommy Brain’ is a very real and true condition. You will forget
everything.  You will find yourself needing an endless supply of post it notes,
pens, scrap paper and highlighters.  You are going to download that application
on your smart phone that is supposed to help you manage your time better.  You
will do all of this stuff AND mark it on every calendar you have in your house,
but you will still forget your kid has his 6 month well baby visit at 2:00
today.  Still need convincing that you will become a bumbling no brain?  How
about this little tidbit….Every day for the first 3 months I had to stop and
think “Did I brush my teeth yet today?”  The answer was always no.  Then I
would attempt to brush while I had a baby latched to by boob. You can only
imagine how well that went. 
    All of the duties that go along with parenthood
will eventually catch up to you.  You will be more exhausted than you have ever
been in your entire life.  Most of your days will not end until well after
midnight and you will be up well before dawn the next day while your husband is
still snoring away. Between motherhood, work, cooking, cleaning, pumping and
trying to remember to take a break to pee you will be amazed that you are even
able to function. Birthday presents are awesome.  Cards are sweet.  But the
only thing I want these days for my birthday is a day off.  It doesn't have to
be that day in particular.  Any day will do.
    The stores really know how to suck you in to
their baby departments.   From the day you discover that you are pregnant,
right on through childhood you will have this insatiable appetite for going to
stores or searching