Tainted Love: contemporary womens fiction love story and family saga (Behind Closed Doors Book 1) by Erin Cawood Page A
Authors: Erin Cawood
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ma ma ma ma ma.”
“No, Dada.”
“Ma ma ma ma ma.”
This went on for a few minutes while I plated up the dinner. Cal had come in from work about thirty minutes before. After reading another letter from school, he threatened to stop Caleb from playing soccer if he didn’t get better grades and start doing his homework. He’d retreated to the study. His belly must have been rumbling or his ears burning, because he wandered into the kitchen and told Georgia to go wash her hands.
“Dada,” Caitlyn said as clear as the summer sky.
He froze. He looked at Caitlyn and then turned to me. “Can’t you do something about that? She’s giving me a headache.” The front door slammed and the windows rattled in his wake.
Well, what did he expect me to do about her, exactly?
How I managed to control my anger all night and not take it out on the kids, I’ll never know but I’d had enough. It wasn’t Caitlyn’s fault we had problems, and Cal couldn’t treat her that way. She was a baby, for heaven’s sake! So I waited for him to return from wherever it was he went when he was angry and sat patiently on the bed.
I knew what would happen if I pushed the issue too much, or if he was already so inclined but I was ready for it. I’d accepted this was where my marriage was at the moment. Cal was angry at me for misleading him. For saying I wouldn’t have Caitlyn and then not doing anything about it. When he moved on, this would stop and we’d be okay. If I went the right way about this, maybe he’d move on from it tonight. So I plucked up the courage to confront him… and that’s when he told me he didn’t want her.
"W-w-what do you mean?" I thought when she arrived he'd go all gooey like he had with the others. He’d said he wanted more children. "You said—" I flopped hopelessly on to our bed. I couldn't ever seem to get things straight anymore. He couldn’t possibly mean we had to give her away? We’d already had a conversation like this, and he knew where I stood on this matter. She was a baby. Our baby! “But—”
"You forced her on me by not doing what I asked you to do." I looked at him as he stepped closer. "How would you like to be forced into something you don't want, Faith?"
He was even closer now. I craned my neck to look at him as he lowered his head toward me. His nearness forced me back against the mattress. I knew what he was doing. He’d done it a thousand times before. But he usually had a look in his eyes, one of pleasure, one of complete and utter joy, and it wasn’t there now. My breath shortened. "Cal?"
One hand placed firmly at side of my head, the other by my waist as he hovered above me. "How would it feel to live with it for the rest of your life, Fay?"
My pulsed throbbed just below his hand. This wasn't happening. He wasn’t going to do this. "You don't have to..." In our entire seventeen years of marriage, he'd never once had to force me to have sex.
"Oh, but I do, Faith." My entire body went rigid as his hand crawled inside my blouse and around the white lace beneath. It was then I knew he was determined to do it because he added, "And maybe you'll think twice about defying me again."
You know, I should have left then but wasn’t the very definition of leaving him in some way defying him? There was no way on this planet was I ever upsetting Cal again. Not after that. It was the worst and most emotionally painful experience of my life, up to that point. This man, the man I loved, the man I pledged to spend the rest of my life with had... well, he’d...
No, no he didn’t.
He wanted sex when I didn’t. I didn’t say no. I said he didn’t have to force it. I’d have given it to him anyway. What was the difference?
The difference was in that one and only time we had sex in the seven months since Caitlyn was born we got pregnant. I immediately made an appointment to see the doctor about terminating the pregnancy. We weren't going through this again. When I told Cal
“No, Dada.”
“Ma ma ma ma ma.”
This went on for a few minutes while I plated up the dinner. Cal had come in from work about thirty minutes before. After reading another letter from school, he threatened to stop Caleb from playing soccer if he didn’t get better grades and start doing his homework. He’d retreated to the study. His belly must have been rumbling or his ears burning, because he wandered into the kitchen and told Georgia to go wash her hands.
“Dada,” Caitlyn said as clear as the summer sky.
He froze. He looked at Caitlyn and then turned to me. “Can’t you do something about that? She’s giving me a headache.” The front door slammed and the windows rattled in his wake.
Well, what did he expect me to do about her, exactly?
How I managed to control my anger all night and not take it out on the kids, I’ll never know but I’d had enough. It wasn’t Caitlyn’s fault we had problems, and Cal couldn’t treat her that way. She was a baby, for heaven’s sake! So I waited for him to return from wherever it was he went when he was angry and sat patiently on the bed.
I knew what would happen if I pushed the issue too much, or if he was already so inclined but I was ready for it. I’d accepted this was where my marriage was at the moment. Cal was angry at me for misleading him. For saying I wouldn’t have Caitlyn and then not doing anything about it. When he moved on, this would stop and we’d be okay. If I went the right way about this, maybe he’d move on from it tonight. So I plucked up the courage to confront him… and that’s when he told me he didn’t want her.
"W-w-what do you mean?" I thought when she arrived he'd go all gooey like he had with the others. He’d said he wanted more children. "You said—" I flopped hopelessly on to our bed. I couldn't ever seem to get things straight anymore. He couldn’t possibly mean we had to give her away? We’d already had a conversation like this, and he knew where I stood on this matter. She was a baby. Our baby! “But—”
"You forced her on me by not doing what I asked you to do." I looked at him as he stepped closer. "How would you like to be forced into something you don't want, Faith?"
He was even closer now. I craned my neck to look at him as he lowered his head toward me. His nearness forced me back against the mattress. I knew what he was doing. He’d done it a thousand times before. But he usually had a look in his eyes, one of pleasure, one of complete and utter joy, and it wasn’t there now. My breath shortened. "Cal?"
One hand placed firmly at side of my head, the other by my waist as he hovered above me. "How would it feel to live with it for the rest of your life, Fay?"
My pulsed throbbed just below his hand. This wasn't happening. He wasn’t going to do this. "You don't have to..." In our entire seventeen years of marriage, he'd never once had to force me to have sex.
"Oh, but I do, Faith." My entire body went rigid as his hand crawled inside my blouse and around the white lace beneath. It was then I knew he was determined to do it because he added, "And maybe you'll think twice about defying me again."
You know, I should have left then but wasn’t the very definition of leaving him in some way defying him? There was no way on this planet was I ever upsetting Cal again. Not after that. It was the worst and most emotionally painful experience of my life, up to that point. This man, the man I loved, the man I pledged to spend the rest of my life with had... well, he’d...
No, no he didn’t.
He wanted sex when I didn’t. I didn’t say no. I said he didn’t have to force it. I’d have given it to him anyway. What was the difference?
The difference was in that one and only time we had sex in the seven months since Caitlyn was born we got pregnant. I immediately made an appointment to see the doctor about terminating the pregnancy. We weren't going through this again. When I told Cal
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