myself back onto the mattress. I was breathing too fast. I closed my eyes and could see every hit, every hateful act from the man who broke me. In my life, I never thought I could have hated him more for what he did to me. When the reality of saying no to her sank in, I hated him more. He was the reason I wasn’t whole and couldn’t have a life. In that moment, I wanted him dead for not only what he had taken from me as a child, but for what he was denying me as an adult.
Brooklyn - Glitter, Girls, and Decisions
Present Day
Tonight’s show was awesome. No, it was epic. Bally’s was packed, and there was just an amazing vibe among all the girls. I think they were happy to have me back, if only for one night. When the show finished, there was a rush of activity with all the girls headed down the tiny staircase to the dressing rooms. The thumps and clicks of all the heels off the wooden steps sounded like a pack of wolves. Taking the steps with ease, I realized my first time back in six-inch heels in over two months was like a newborn deer getting his first lesson on how to walk.
I could not help but think how we looked like a group of crazed fangirls rushing the stage at a concert. We were covered in glitter, double-sided tape, and nylon. The sounds of conversations, pep talks about the show, and plans being made for the after-party filled my ears and made me sad. It was humbling when you experienced joy, pleasure, and knew that it would be the last time that you got to do something. I was going to miss this more than I wanted to admit. I had to keep telling myself that I had bigger plans for my future. No matter how hard I tried to convince my heart that saying goodbye was the right thing, it didn't feel right. They had no idea I was not coming back. There was zero chance I was going to make it through that conversation without tears, so I lied. I told them I would be back next month, and that was that. Knowing I was doing the right thing did not stop my mind from capturing every moment in slow motion. The way the girls looked, the laughter, the smells of perfume and sweat. The sparkle of the sequins and rhinestones. I knew I would never forget them, but it was time to close this chapter. I had something waiting for me that would need my full attention. After all, I had waited so long to admit that I needed him that I was not going to get in my own way for another minute. We had spent a decade being our own biggest problems. Now that the roadblock was gone, it was full steam ahead.
I really wanted Synister to come to my last show. He had even offered to reschedule their show for tonight, but I immediately refused to hear such a thing. In my typically badass chick exterior, I told him I was fine without him being there. And I was. I wanted this night to be about the girls. With Synister there, their focus would change, and selfishly, I wanted these ladies to myself for the night. He reluctantly agreed and promised to meet me outside the club afterward.
It was one a.m., and the Push show would have been over for an hour, so I knew Syn and Tony would be waiting outside for me. Rushing to the front of the pack, I wanted to get changed and to him as soon as possible. For a minute, I knew he would have spent the last two hours with women hoping they would get a chance with him at the meet-and-greet. They were so misguided. The best was when fangirls spent time trying to convince Hendrix they had a “proposition” for him. I had sat backstage so many times and just thought, Honey, that train doesn't even come close to hitting your track . It was always fun to watch them walk away dejected. Honestly, nine times out of ten, the entire time the chick was trying to win Hendrix over, he was either checking out their boyfriend/husband or some random stage hand. Synister and I never let jealously enter our hearts; there was simply no room for it.
I was snapped back to reality when every girl stared, giggling and
Brooklyn - Glitter, Girls, and Decisions
Present Day
Tonight’s show was awesome. No, it was epic. Bally’s was packed, and there was just an amazing vibe among all the girls. I think they were happy to have me back, if only for one night. When the show finished, there was a rush of activity with all the girls headed down the tiny staircase to the dressing rooms. The thumps and clicks of all the heels off the wooden steps sounded like a pack of wolves. Taking the steps with ease, I realized my first time back in six-inch heels in over two months was like a newborn deer getting his first lesson on how to walk.
I could not help but think how we looked like a group of crazed fangirls rushing the stage at a concert. We were covered in glitter, double-sided tape, and nylon. The sounds of conversations, pep talks about the show, and plans being made for the after-party filled my ears and made me sad. It was humbling when you experienced joy, pleasure, and knew that it would be the last time that you got to do something. I was going to miss this more than I wanted to admit. I had to keep telling myself that I had bigger plans for my future. No matter how hard I tried to convince my heart that saying goodbye was the right thing, it didn't feel right. They had no idea I was not coming back. There was zero chance I was going to make it through that conversation without tears, so I lied. I told them I would be back next month, and that was that. Knowing I was doing the right thing did not stop my mind from capturing every moment in slow motion. The way the girls looked, the laughter, the smells of perfume and sweat. The sparkle of the sequins and rhinestones. I knew I would never forget them, but it was time to close this chapter. I had something waiting for me that would need my full attention. After all, I had waited so long to admit that I needed him that I was not going to get in my own way for another minute. We had spent a decade being our own biggest problems. Now that the roadblock was gone, it was full steam ahead.
I really wanted Synister to come to my last show. He had even offered to reschedule their show for tonight, but I immediately refused to hear such a thing. In my typically badass chick exterior, I told him I was fine without him being there. And I was. I wanted this night to be about the girls. With Synister there, their focus would change, and selfishly, I wanted these ladies to myself for the night. He reluctantly agreed and promised to meet me outside the club afterward.
It was one a.m., and the Push show would have been over for an hour, so I knew Syn and Tony would be waiting outside for me. Rushing to the front of the pack, I wanted to get changed and to him as soon as possible. For a minute, I knew he would have spent the last two hours with women hoping they would get a chance with him at the meet-and-greet. They were so misguided. The best was when fangirls spent time trying to convince Hendrix they had a “proposition” for him. I had sat backstage so many times and just thought, Honey, that train doesn't even come close to hitting your track . It was always fun to watch them walk away dejected. Honestly, nine times out of ten, the entire time the chick was trying to win Hendrix over, he was either checking out their boyfriend/husband or some random stage hand. Synister and I never let jealously enter our hearts; there was simply no room for it.
I was snapped back to reality when every girl stared, giggling and
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