Substitute Boyfriend by Jade C. Jamison

me out a lot, and I feigned a big yawn and then rested my head on his chest so I wouldn’t give away how I really felt.
    We’d been having fun.  Why did we have to wreck it by getting all serious?  I didn’t want to, and I didn’t think we had to.  I just wondered what the hell Roman had been thinking.
    Fortunately, the next morning, we parted with a little kiss, knowing we wouldn’t see each other—hell, we wouldn’t see the light of day—until all our grading was done and entered into the college database, with accompanying documentation turned into the proper office on campus.  I hoped that time apart would help us realize we’d just been enjoying a little summer fling.  After that, back to business.
    Okay…so I hoped Roman would realize that.  My mind was already firmly there.  Could I see Roman as more than a friend?  Oh, I supposed anything was possible, but we’d been great friends for years.  Going further would just wreck it.
    I knew, though, that I’d been feeling the inkling of something further too, but I thought that was a bad idea.  For fun, sure, it was okay having sex with my friend, but a relationship?  It just didn’t feel plausible.  It felt strange…and I wondered if I’d ever get over that feeling.
    I let my mind run there, though.  Would Roman and I work?  We were great friends, and I couldn’t imagine a better one, but it was hard for me to get over that friend sensation, to try to feel a sense of permanence and of something beyond the lust.  The problem was that my overwhelming feelings of friendship on the one side and crazy lust with no strings on the other were stopping me from thinking of more.
    I knew I needed time.  I had to separate myself from him for a bit and figure out what I wanted…what I needed , and because Roman was a good friend, I would need to find a way to tell him whatever decision I landed on.
    He called Tuesday and, being my best friend, it didn’t take him long to sense that something was up.  “How’d grading go?”
    “Fine.  I’m glad I have a couple weeks before starting all over again.”
    “Me, too.   Wanna celebrate?”
    Normally, I’d ask what he had in mind, but not today.  “Actually, Roman, I need to spend a few days writing.  I haven’t really written in over a week and I need to get back to it.”
    He was quiet.  I could feel the heaviness of the silence between us, something that had never existed before.  He wasn’t stupid, not by a long shot.  Roman was one of the smartest guys I knew.  “Need some space?”
    I let out the air I’d been holding in my lungs.  “Yeah.  Is that okay?”
    “Yeah.”   He was quiet for a minute, and I couldn’t think of what I wanted to say.  It was the first awkward moment ever in my friendship with Roman.  We had never had a moment of silence that felt weird.  Of course, it had been rare for us to be without anything to say, but the few times we’d been in that situation, things had never felt odd.
    They did now.  Boy, did they.  Fortunately, he—being the master psychologist and great best friend—knew what to say.  He already knew what was in my head, and if I thought he didn’t, I was fooling myself.  “You deciding you don’t like the idea of having a substitute boyfriend?”
    “No, that’s not it.”
    “Your emotions are getting muddy?”
    Goddammit .  How did he know that when I myself hadn’t even quite put my finger on it yet?  He was right, though, and there was no denying it.  If I did, I was only lying to myself.  I was having a hard time figuring out how Roman fit into my life, now that we’d crossed that line, and what if I decided I wanted to return to friends only?  Would that work?  Would Roman be okay with that?  “Yeah, I guess they are.”
    I could almost hear him shrug.  “Take the time you need.”  In the next few seconds of silence, though, I could hear the regret in his voice.  No, not quite regret.  Sadness?  He