Stuff White People Like by Christian Lander Page A

is called celebrating St. Patrick’s Day. This very special white holiday recognizes St. Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, who helped to bring Catholicism to the Emerald Isle. His ascetic life is celebrated every year by white people drinking large amounts of Irish-themed alcohol and listening to the Dropkick Murphys.
    It is also the day of the year when you can make the greatest gains in your social and professional relationships with white people.
    Most of the time, white people consider celebrations of European heritage to be racist unless they ignore large swathes of the sixteenth through twentieth centuries. But since the Irish never engaged in colonialism and were actually oppressed, it is considered acceptable to celebrate their ancestry—even encouraged. For this reason, 100 percent of white people are proud to claim that they are somewhat Irish.

    A big part of St. Patrick’s Day is having white people feel particularly upset at the oppression of their ancestors, which has in no way trickled down to them. If you find yourself talking with a white person who tells you about how their great grandfather was oppressed by both the English and the Americans, it is strongly recommended that you lend a sympathetic ear and shake your head in disbelief. It is never considered acceptable to say, “But you’re white now, so what’s the problem?”
    It is also worth noting that on this day there is always one trump card that never fails to gain respect and acclaim. When you are sitting at an Irish bar and someone orders a round of Guinness, you must take a single sip, and while the other white people are savoring their drink, you say, “Mmmm, I know it sounds cliché, but it really is true: Guinness just tastes better in Ireland.”
    This comment will elicit an immediate and powerful response of people agreeing with your valuable insight. This statement also has the additional benefit of humiliating the members of your party who have not been to Ireland (and thus cannot confirm this proclamation). Having not traveled to Ireland and consumed a beer that is widely available in their hometown and throughout the world, they will immediately be perceived as provincial, uncultured, and inferior to you.
    It is also strongly encouraged that you memorize the lyrics to “Jump Around.” They will come in handy.

90 Dinner Parties
    Though many would have you believe that white people come of age at summer camp, it’s simply not the truth. Immediately following graduation but prior to renovating a house, white people take their first step from childhood to maturity by hosting a successful dinner party.
    It is imperative that white people know how to host a good dinner party, as they will be expected to do it well into retirement.
    At the most basic level, these simple gatherings involve three to six couples getting together at a single house or apartment, having dinner, and talking for five to six hours. Though it might seem basic, dinner parties are some of the most stressful events in all of white culture.

    Hosts are expected to deliver a magical evening. The food must be homemade with fresh, organic ingredients, the music must be just right (edgy, new, but not too loud), and the decor of the house should be subtle but elegant. The ultimate goal is to do a better job than the couple who hosted the last dinner party while attempting to make everyone jealous and sort of dislike you.
    The dinner party is the opportunity for white people to be judged on their taste in food, wine, furniture, art, interior design, music, and books. Outside of dictatorships and a few murder trials, there might not be a more rigorous judgment process in the modern world. Everything must be perfect. One copy of US Weekly, a McDonald’s wrapper, a book by John Grisham, a Third Eye Blind CD, or an Old School DVD can undo months and maybe even years of work.
    Even before guests arrive, the pressure on the host is immense, and it does not let up once