verse? Somebody, please, a little help! More than 20 percent of people quit here.
Step 5: We finish the song.
At last this crazy ride is over, the clapping is done. We’re finished and can feel good about what we’ve accomplished. But just know this: If you ask us to clap on a second song, about 50 percent of us will flat-out refuse. We’re all clapped out.
THE CASSEROLE OF HOPE
A casserole of hope is a food dish that a Christian gives you after a tragedy. It usually involves pasta and cheese in some format, but sometimes, if they really love you, they’ll make something in a crock pot. The challenge, though, is that it’s hard to know what to give someone. Do you make something big and hearty or light and fruity? Is it one meal or a series of meals? Is a dessert too frivolous? Does a serious situation require a serious meal, like some sort of melodramatic stew?
Fortunately, I’ve come up with an easy list of what types of dishes certain tragedies require. Tear it out and put it on your fridge. It will serve you well in times of need and casserole.
Car wreck
This depends of course on the severity of the crash, but the key here is to give food that’s not portable. Chances are the crash might have occurred when they tried to make a cell phone call while driving and eating a twenty-seven-layer burrito at the same time. Don’t tempt them with any food that’s in tube form or easy to eat in the car. Give them soup with a packet of forks. It’s really hard to eat soup with a fork in a moving car.
Fire
Nothing baked. Nothing spicy. Nothing seared. Nothing grilled. The important thing is not to bring any food that will remind them of the fire. The last thing they’ll want is your famous “four alarm chicken wings.” Give them something carved of ice. I’m not sure what that is, but you can probably get one at Whole Foods.
Hole in bedroom ceiling made while chasing a squirrel
Beef jerky. For starters, the person whose ceiling was wrecked by a friend possibly named Jeff who was texting a girl instead of staying focused on the squirrel chase at hand can pretendthe jerky is the squirrel. Also, jerky is portable in case this hypothetical person named Jonathan Acuff is required to take an overnight trip to the couch because he messed up his bedroom, which his wife completely didn’t see the humor in. And lastly, the squirrel is still loose and your friend will need a meal he can eat on the run—or on the rafters of his attic, as it were.
Loss of employment
I don’t know what to give someone who lost their job. But I know what not to get them: Easy Mac, those small, microwaveable packets of macaroni and cheese. When a company I worked for went out of business, I took what I called “the summer of Jon.” (Or as my in-laws called it, “The summer of the guy who married our daughter, took her from Georgia to Boston, and promptly lost his job.”) My wife’s one rule was that I had to get up when she did for work. That meant that at 6:30 every morning, I was showered and dressed with nowhere to go. I decided to kill time by eating Easy Mac for breakfast and lunch and snacks. I gained about fifteen pounds. Give an unemployed person a salad.
Don’t worry too much about nutrition when someone is going through a difficult time. If they wrecked their car or the house caught on fire, the last thing people are concerned about is exercising their “core” and getting enough lycopene.
CHURCH NAMES THAT SOUND LIKE DESIGNER CLOTHING STORES
My cousin attends a church called “Warehouse 242.” There’s another church in his area called “Elevation.” In Durham, North Carolina, there’s a church called, simply, “The Summit.” I’m not sure when it happened, but at some point we started naming our churches after stores that sell designer jeans. And I’m cool with that. I don’t think you have to name something the “Backto the Bible Holiness Church”—which is outside of Atlanta in case you want to attend.
I
Step 5: We finish the song.
At last this crazy ride is over, the clapping is done. We’re finished and can feel good about what we’ve accomplished. But just know this: If you ask us to clap on a second song, about 50 percent of us will flat-out refuse. We’re all clapped out.
THE CASSEROLE OF HOPE
A casserole of hope is a food dish that a Christian gives you after a tragedy. It usually involves pasta and cheese in some format, but sometimes, if they really love you, they’ll make something in a crock pot. The challenge, though, is that it’s hard to know what to give someone. Do you make something big and hearty or light and fruity? Is it one meal or a series of meals? Is a dessert too frivolous? Does a serious situation require a serious meal, like some sort of melodramatic stew?
Fortunately, I’ve come up with an easy list of what types of dishes certain tragedies require. Tear it out and put it on your fridge. It will serve you well in times of need and casserole.
Car wreck
This depends of course on the severity of the crash, but the key here is to give food that’s not portable. Chances are the crash might have occurred when they tried to make a cell phone call while driving and eating a twenty-seven-layer burrito at the same time. Don’t tempt them with any food that’s in tube form or easy to eat in the car. Give them soup with a packet of forks. It’s really hard to eat soup with a fork in a moving car.
Fire
Nothing baked. Nothing spicy. Nothing seared. Nothing grilled. The important thing is not to bring any food that will remind them of the fire. The last thing they’ll want is your famous “four alarm chicken wings.” Give them something carved of ice. I’m not sure what that is, but you can probably get one at Whole Foods.
Hole in bedroom ceiling made while chasing a squirrel
Beef jerky. For starters, the person whose ceiling was wrecked by a friend possibly named Jeff who was texting a girl instead of staying focused on the squirrel chase at hand can pretendthe jerky is the squirrel. Also, jerky is portable in case this hypothetical person named Jonathan Acuff is required to take an overnight trip to the couch because he messed up his bedroom, which his wife completely didn’t see the humor in. And lastly, the squirrel is still loose and your friend will need a meal he can eat on the run—or on the rafters of his attic, as it were.
Loss of employment
I don’t know what to give someone who lost their job. But I know what not to get them: Easy Mac, those small, microwaveable packets of macaroni and cheese. When a company I worked for went out of business, I took what I called “the summer of Jon.” (Or as my in-laws called it, “The summer of the guy who married our daughter, took her from Georgia to Boston, and promptly lost his job.”) My wife’s one rule was that I had to get up when she did for work. That meant that at 6:30 every morning, I was showered and dressed with nowhere to go. I decided to kill time by eating Easy Mac for breakfast and lunch and snacks. I gained about fifteen pounds. Give an unemployed person a salad.
Don’t worry too much about nutrition when someone is going through a difficult time. If they wrecked their car or the house caught on fire, the last thing people are concerned about is exercising their “core” and getting enough lycopene.
CHURCH NAMES THAT SOUND LIKE DESIGNER CLOTHING STORES
My cousin attends a church called “Warehouse 242.” There’s another church in his area called “Elevation.” In Durham, North Carolina, there’s a church called, simply, “The Summit.” I’m not sure when it happened, but at some point we started naming our churches after stores that sell designer jeans. And I’m cool with that. I don’t think you have to name something the “Backto the Bible Holiness Church”—which is outside of Atlanta in case you want to attend.
I
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