holding court, you might be humbled by
his
ability, and it’s a good thing to be a little humbled.
Are you always right? Inevitably you’re going to sit next to someone who has the same righteous streak, so right back atcha.
Is your cousin acting like a control freak? It probably bothers you because you could be described the same way.
I can now see that if I have a problem with anyone at my Thanksgiving dinner, it’s a blessing. Your annoying relatives give you a glimpse of what annoys others about you. Identifying what you have to work on and being given the chance to do it with people who have to love you anyway is something to be truly thankful for!
Thank you, Aunt Becky, for showing me what it means to be a real asshole.
GRANDMA’S RECIPE FOR THANKSGIVING SUCCESS
Ingredients:
120-pound turkey to feed 70 hungry guests
Giblets in their plastic bag
1 stick butter
Directions:
Leave all giblets in plastic and keep inside the bird.
Do not rub the butter on the bird. Leave dry.
Keep the stick of butter in its wrapper and shove inside the bird cavity.
Set oven to 200 degrees and cook the bird low and slow for 24 hours. Do not baste.
When bird ignites, it is
almost
done.
Serve with cold mashed potatoes and Jell-O shots.
Expect no leftovers.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Pep Talk
RECIPE FOR SUCCESS
Ingredients:
1 brand-new day
1 brand-new attitude
1 brand-new you
1 brand-new bathing suit
I’ve said earlier that some fantasizing is healthy and primes your mind for success. (And don’t forget about the way it also primes your crotch muscles to be able to have that orgasm when what he’s doing down there isn’t really working.) But when we don’t want to do the hard work that goes along with getting the dream job or finding the dream man or creating the dream life—when we’d really like those opportunities to knock on the door with the Chinese takeout or come wrapped in a blue Tiffany box and white satin bow, thank youvery much—we are in trouble. Warning: When you catch yourself feeling underappreciated, take notice. Feeling underappreciated is just a psychological cover for feeling sorry for yourself. Were you not paying attention at all during my “Reverse Psychology” lecture? Let me spell it out one more time:
Your Dream + Taking Steps to Make Good Things Happen = Success
Your Dream + Entitlement = Big Fat Fucking Failure (plus, no one will really like you)
If I had a dollar for every time I felt sorry for myself because something wasn’t going my way, I’d be richer than Donald Trump. (I already have better boobs than him, but richer would be nice, too. You thought I was going to go with better hair, didn’t you? Too easy a target.) What an easy way to make money that would be!
I’ve tried every feeling-sorry-for-myself approach in the book. I’ve tried keeping my self-pity to myself, and I’ve also complained loudly to my friends and loved ones. I’ve sat around on my lazy ass quietly whining, moping, and binge-eating myself into my fat pants. I’ve done it all loudly as well. I’ve vowed to be patient and think happy thoughts and wait my turn, and I’vealso called my manager and agent begging, pleading, and crying about wanting better things to float my way.
And, of course, none of these strategies changed a damn thing. Know what did? I think it was something in the hoping-something-would-float-my-way imagery that clicked for me. This single-sentence realization finally did the trick:
If your ship doesn’t come in, swim out to it!
In other words, if the life you want doesn’t magically come to you (which it rarely does, though see Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian references, this page ), you have to go out and get it. Then live the shit out of the opportunities you create for yourself!
When the float-vs.-swim-out-to-your-ship idea first dawned on me, I couldn’t wait to start making a list. There’s nothing like a list to focus your energy, and it feels so great when you
his
ability, and it’s a good thing to be a little humbled.
Are you always right? Inevitably you’re going to sit next to someone who has the same righteous streak, so right back atcha.
Is your cousin acting like a control freak? It probably bothers you because you could be described the same way.
I can now see that if I have a problem with anyone at my Thanksgiving dinner, it’s a blessing. Your annoying relatives give you a glimpse of what annoys others about you. Identifying what you have to work on and being given the chance to do it with people who have to love you anyway is something to be truly thankful for!
Thank you, Aunt Becky, for showing me what it means to be a real asshole.
GRANDMA’S RECIPE FOR THANKSGIVING SUCCESS
Ingredients:
120-pound turkey to feed 70 hungry guests
Giblets in their plastic bag
1 stick butter
Directions:
Leave all giblets in plastic and keep inside the bird.
Do not rub the butter on the bird. Leave dry.
Keep the stick of butter in its wrapper and shove inside the bird cavity.
Set oven to 200 degrees and cook the bird low and slow for 24 hours. Do not baste.
When bird ignites, it is
almost
done.
Serve with cold mashed potatoes and Jell-O shots.
Expect no leftovers.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Pep Talk
RECIPE FOR SUCCESS
Ingredients:
1 brand-new day
1 brand-new attitude
1 brand-new you
1 brand-new bathing suit
I’ve said earlier that some fantasizing is healthy and primes your mind for success. (And don’t forget about the way it also primes your crotch muscles to be able to have that orgasm when what he’s doing down there isn’t really working.) But when we don’t want to do the hard work that goes along with getting the dream job or finding the dream man or creating the dream life—when we’d really like those opportunities to knock on the door with the Chinese takeout or come wrapped in a blue Tiffany box and white satin bow, thank youvery much—we are in trouble. Warning: When you catch yourself feeling underappreciated, take notice. Feeling underappreciated is just a psychological cover for feeling sorry for yourself. Were you not paying attention at all during my “Reverse Psychology” lecture? Let me spell it out one more time:
Your Dream + Taking Steps to Make Good Things Happen = Success
Your Dream + Entitlement = Big Fat Fucking Failure (plus, no one will really like you)
If I had a dollar for every time I felt sorry for myself because something wasn’t going my way, I’d be richer than Donald Trump. (I already have better boobs than him, but richer would be nice, too. You thought I was going to go with better hair, didn’t you? Too easy a target.) What an easy way to make money that would be!
I’ve tried every feeling-sorry-for-myself approach in the book. I’ve tried keeping my self-pity to myself, and I’ve also complained loudly to my friends and loved ones. I’ve sat around on my lazy ass quietly whining, moping, and binge-eating myself into my fat pants. I’ve done it all loudly as well. I’ve vowed to be patient and think happy thoughts and wait my turn, and I’vealso called my manager and agent begging, pleading, and crying about wanting better things to float my way.
And, of course, none of these strategies changed a damn thing. Know what did? I think it was something in the hoping-something-would-float-my-way imagery that clicked for me. This single-sentence realization finally did the trick:
If your ship doesn’t come in, swim out to it!
In other words, if the life you want doesn’t magically come to you (which it rarely does, though see Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian references, this page ), you have to go out and get it. Then live the shit out of the opportunities you create for yourself!
When the float-vs.-swim-out-to-your-ship idea first dawned on me, I couldn’t wait to start making a list. There’s nothing like a list to focus your energy, and it feels so great when you
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