ripped off the sticker that said, HELLO, I’M MELISSA. She would not play with the other kids. The teachers said, “Your child is very antisocial.” I said, “That’s because there was a wonderful late, late movie with Michael Caine, and we stayed up together.” They just stared at me. As we were leaving, Melissa threw clay at another little girl. I told her, “We blew it, honey,” and we went to Schrafft’s and had breakfast.
From the minute I had Melissa, I would rather spend time with children than with adults. Their innocence is so unscathed. Their trust, their unquestioning belief, makes you a better person. The layers of social deceit have not yet formed, and they call things as they are. You hear a child say, “I don’t want to play with you because I don’t like you.” Good! Now we know where we stand, and we can go from there.
At the same time, children have not learned to ration their love, and they accept your love totally. Their joy is complete-and they get rid of unhappiness so easily. A child is crying, and in three minutes you can have her smiling and laughing again. I love that.
Having Melissa to come home to, looking forward to
68 JOAN RIVERS
spending time with my daughter, was all-important. My career had not yet become the glue that held my life and marriage together. The rock at the center of my tiny universe was still the baby and the home and the marriage.
5
…
JUST because I talk about plastic surgery on television, people think I’m a plastic-surgery addict, that I have plastic surgery every day. I think every woman should have plastic surgery if she wants. My mother always told me, “There’s nothing good about old age, so accept it with dignity.” To me plastic surgery is like a touch-up, a tuneup that makes me feel good about myself. You take your car to be Simonized. You get your dresses cleaned. Why not a little job under your chin?
After shooting my movie Rabbit Test in 1977, I was down and depressed. I figured, get the whole face done and nobody will see me while I’m editing the film. So I told the best plastic surgeon in Los Angeles to do everything, and he did, and I was sitting in the editing room thinking, Gee, my eyes are great-you can’t even see the stitches. Then I went for my first checkup, and the doctor was taking the stitches out behind the ears, and I told him, Boy, my eyes look terrific. Suddenly he turned bright red. He’d forgotten to do the eyes! So I got an IOU for one eye job by Los Angeles’s number-one plastic surgeon. I wanted to give it as a raffle for a charity, but no one would take it. Now, they’d grab it!
Right before the Fox show I finally had my eyes done and along with it I did a very light acid wash. It was nothing, like a sunburn. It takes away the top skin, and with it, all the little lines. For me, it was no pain, no burn. Three days later I was performing at Lake Tahoe.
I once wanted to make my nose thinner, not a whole big job. Unfortunately I was on the cover of People mag-69
70 JOAN RIVERS
azine that month, and the doctor looked at me and said, “What can I do?
Everyone has seen this picture.” “Just thin it,” I said, “no one will notice.” They didn’t.
When I had to have a hysterectomy, I asked if a plastic surgeon could sew me up. There were four other ladies in the hospital crying, “Boo-boo, I’m no longer a woman.” Me? I was thrilled. My tummy was as flat as a washboard. Nothing like a tummy tuck at the end of a hysterectomy.
In 1968, long before 1 did, my career got a major facelift. Because of my comedy success, the William Morris Agency offered to package a TV talk show for me, using the syndicators, Trans Lux, to sell it to independent stations around the country. I was ready. I felt I had done standup comedy, had proved I could succeed, and longed to move on to less confining, more diverse ways to communicate.
Edgar wanted to be the show’s producer-which meant quitting Anna
From the minute I had Melissa, I would rather spend time with children than with adults. Their innocence is so unscathed. Their trust, their unquestioning belief, makes you a better person. The layers of social deceit have not yet formed, and they call things as they are. You hear a child say, “I don’t want to play with you because I don’t like you.” Good! Now we know where we stand, and we can go from there.
At the same time, children have not learned to ration their love, and they accept your love totally. Their joy is complete-and they get rid of unhappiness so easily. A child is crying, and in three minutes you can have her smiling and laughing again. I love that.
Having Melissa to come home to, looking forward to
68 JOAN RIVERS
spending time with my daughter, was all-important. My career had not yet become the glue that held my life and marriage together. The rock at the center of my tiny universe was still the baby and the home and the marriage.
5
…
JUST because I talk about plastic surgery on television, people think I’m a plastic-surgery addict, that I have plastic surgery every day. I think every woman should have plastic surgery if she wants. My mother always told me, “There’s nothing good about old age, so accept it with dignity.” To me plastic surgery is like a touch-up, a tuneup that makes me feel good about myself. You take your car to be Simonized. You get your dresses cleaned. Why not a little job under your chin?
After shooting my movie Rabbit Test in 1977, I was down and depressed. I figured, get the whole face done and nobody will see me while I’m editing the film. So I told the best plastic surgeon in Los Angeles to do everything, and he did, and I was sitting in the editing room thinking, Gee, my eyes are great-you can’t even see the stitches. Then I went for my first checkup, and the doctor was taking the stitches out behind the ears, and I told him, Boy, my eyes look terrific. Suddenly he turned bright red. He’d forgotten to do the eyes! So I got an IOU for one eye job by Los Angeles’s number-one plastic surgeon. I wanted to give it as a raffle for a charity, but no one would take it. Now, they’d grab it!
Right before the Fox show I finally had my eyes done and along with it I did a very light acid wash. It was nothing, like a sunburn. It takes away the top skin, and with it, all the little lines. For me, it was no pain, no burn. Three days later I was performing at Lake Tahoe.
I once wanted to make my nose thinner, not a whole big job. Unfortunately I was on the cover of People mag-69
70 JOAN RIVERS
azine that month, and the doctor looked at me and said, “What can I do?
Everyone has seen this picture.” “Just thin it,” I said, “no one will notice.” They didn’t.
When I had to have a hysterectomy, I asked if a plastic surgeon could sew me up. There were four other ladies in the hospital crying, “Boo-boo, I’m no longer a woman.” Me? I was thrilled. My tummy was as flat as a washboard. Nothing like a tummy tuck at the end of a hysterectomy.
In 1968, long before 1 did, my career got a major facelift. Because of my comedy success, the William Morris Agency offered to package a TV talk show for me, using the syndicators, Trans Lux, to sell it to independent stations around the country. I was ready. I felt I had done standup comedy, had proved I could succeed, and longed to move on to less confining, more diverse ways to communicate.
Edgar wanted to be the show’s producer-which meant quitting Anna
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