Chapter 1
She looked at me from across the table and I knew I could take her home that night. The way her eyes lit up when I talked, how she twisted her hair playfully as if to grab my attention. But no, I wouldn’t take this one home tonight. It wasn’t that she was unattractive, she was pretty enough. Although, her pictures online made her appear much more attractive than she was in real life. No, it was that she wanted me too badly. It was too easy.
She seemed shocked when we got in my car and I drove towards her house instead of mine. We parked out front of her condo and she looked at me with confused blue eyes.
“Did I do something wrong?” she asked, seemingly hurt that I wouldn’t come inside when she asked.
“It’s not you, it’s me… Really.”
“Like I haven’t heard that one before.” She quickly grabbed her purse and slammed the car door behind her.
I felt bad but I would have felt worse if we would have slept together and I never talked to her again. That happened more times than I’d like to admit. I didn’t want to be like that, I just wanted a girl to look inside me, rather than at me. I knew I was good looking. I was fit, I had good style, I got my hair professionally done every two weeks. Girls went crazy over the boyish look I presented.
My phone buzzed in my pocket. It was perfect timing, I needed a best friend and he just so happened to be calling me.
“Steve?” I answered.
“Hey Amanda! How did the date go?”
“Ugh, awful,” I responded.
“Mine too. The girl looked nothing like she did in her Facebook pictures. I say we give online dating a rest.”
“I couldn’t agree more,” I let out a sigh.
“I’ll see you tomorrow?”
“Deal. Goodnight Steve.”
I drove home to a big empty house. As a surgeon, I made out pretty good racking in 150K a year. That’s another reason girls wanted to date me. I tried to be as humble as possible, as to distract the “gold diggers” but my red BMW probably didn’t help the cause.
As I sat in my driveway I tried to remember the last time I was truly happy. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my job, I had plenty of friends, and my family lived just on the other side of the valley. I just felt so lonely. What was the point of a huge house with nobody to live in it? A huge bed with nobody to sleep in it?
Ever since I was little I dreamed of a perfect marriage, the perfect kids, and the white picket fence. Even though I was considered a “butch” lesbian, I still wanted to bear my own children.
Reality struck me hard on my 39 th birthday. I was running out of time. Would I ever find true love? Did such a thing even exist? I felt a single tear tumble down my cheek as I thought about it and quickly wiped it away. If anyone knew anything about me, it was that I never cried. I was always the strong one, the one who never broke. Maybe it was all a facade.
Chapter 2
When my alarm went off the next morning I rolled out of bed and put on my scrubs with eyes halfway open. I looked in the mirror in horror to see my cheeks all puffy from crying the night before. I washed my face and lathered it with lotion but it didn’t do much to help. I gave up and headed out the door.
I arrived at the hospital only to be bombarded by nurses who needed me. There was an emergency kidney transplant for a thirteen year old cancer patient and an appendix removal for an elderly old woman. I paged Steve but he was in the middle of a heart valve replacement and I swore under my breath.
“Give the old woman some pain relief, make her as comfortable as possible. I’ll be there in one hour, tops. Is the boy already on anesthetic?”
“Yes, Dr. Sheilds.”
“Good, I’m on my way. And damnit, get another surgeon here Chrissy.”
“Yes ma’am.”
The boy was already put under by the time I reached his room and I went straight to work. He was losing time,
She looked at me from across the table and I knew I could take her home that night. The way her eyes lit up when I talked, how she twisted her hair playfully as if to grab my attention. But no, I wouldn’t take this one home tonight. It wasn’t that she was unattractive, she was pretty enough. Although, her pictures online made her appear much more attractive than she was in real life. No, it was that she wanted me too badly. It was too easy.
She seemed shocked when we got in my car and I drove towards her house instead of mine. We parked out front of her condo and she looked at me with confused blue eyes.
“Did I do something wrong?” she asked, seemingly hurt that I wouldn’t come inside when she asked.
“It’s not you, it’s me… Really.”
“Like I haven’t heard that one before.” She quickly grabbed her purse and slammed the car door behind her.
I felt bad but I would have felt worse if we would have slept together and I never talked to her again. That happened more times than I’d like to admit. I didn’t want to be like that, I just wanted a girl to look inside me, rather than at me. I knew I was good looking. I was fit, I had good style, I got my hair professionally done every two weeks. Girls went crazy over the boyish look I presented.
My phone buzzed in my pocket. It was perfect timing, I needed a best friend and he just so happened to be calling me.
“Steve?” I answered.
“Hey Amanda! How did the date go?”
“Ugh, awful,” I responded.
“Mine too. The girl looked nothing like she did in her Facebook pictures. I say we give online dating a rest.”
“I couldn’t agree more,” I let out a sigh.
“I’ll see you tomorrow?”
“Deal. Goodnight Steve.”
I drove home to a big empty house. As a surgeon, I made out pretty good racking in 150K a year. That’s another reason girls wanted to date me. I tried to be as humble as possible, as to distract the “gold diggers” but my red BMW probably didn’t help the cause.
As I sat in my driveway I tried to remember the last time I was truly happy. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my job, I had plenty of friends, and my family lived just on the other side of the valley. I just felt so lonely. What was the point of a huge house with nobody to live in it? A huge bed with nobody to sleep in it?
Ever since I was little I dreamed of a perfect marriage, the perfect kids, and the white picket fence. Even though I was considered a “butch” lesbian, I still wanted to bear my own children.
Reality struck me hard on my 39 th birthday. I was running out of time. Would I ever find true love? Did such a thing even exist? I felt a single tear tumble down my cheek as I thought about it and quickly wiped it away. If anyone knew anything about me, it was that I never cried. I was always the strong one, the one who never broke. Maybe it was all a facade.
Chapter 2
When my alarm went off the next morning I rolled out of bed and put on my scrubs with eyes halfway open. I looked in the mirror in horror to see my cheeks all puffy from crying the night before. I washed my face and lathered it with lotion but it didn’t do much to help. I gave up and headed out the door.
I arrived at the hospital only to be bombarded by nurses who needed me. There was an emergency kidney transplant for a thirteen year old cancer patient and an appendix removal for an elderly old woman. I paged Steve but he was in the middle of a heart valve replacement and I swore under my breath.
“Give the old woman some pain relief, make her as comfortable as possible. I’ll be there in one hour, tops. Is the boy already on anesthetic?”
“Yes, Dr. Sheilds.”
“Good, I’m on my way. And damnit, get another surgeon here Chrissy.”
“Yes ma’am.”
The boy was already put under by the time I reached his room and I went straight to work. He was losing time,
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