Stake That by Mari Mancusi

believe David here thinks the same thing. I didn’t know anyone could be as flaky as Mom. Too bad he’s an evil blood-sucking beast, ‘cause they’d be a great fit.
    The oven timer dings just as they’re getting to the part where the government is working with alien nations to secretly control the economy of the universe. Mom heads into the kitchen.
    “So,” David turns to us, all ready to be Mr. Friendly. “What do you girls enjoy doing for fun?” I’m about to say, “I slay vampires,” but Sunny beats me to the punch with a much wiser answer. She grabs the cross on her rosary beads and holds it up to David.
    “Mostly we pray to God,” she says, smiling sweetly. “Don’t you just love my rosary beads?” David doesn’t break out into a full sweat or anything, but he suddenly looks mighty nervous.
    “Have you given your life to the Lord Jesus?” I ask, taking my cue and grabbing my own cross. “He died to save your soul, you know.” Not that you have one, Vamp Nerd. David swallows hard. You can totally tell he wants to run screaming from the room. His insides are probably boiling, just from the proximity of the crosses.
    He is so definitely a vampire.
    I’m just about to ask him if he’d like to say a few Hail Marys with me, but then Mom returns. Which is convenient, in a way, since I actually have no idea how to say a Hail Mary. We borrowed the rosary beads from Old Sister Anne, the retired nun down the street who’s been using them to pray for our family’s soul for years.
    “What are you girls wearing?” Mom asks, looking more than a tad confused. Caught. Sunny turns beet red and I’m sure I’m the same. “Uh, rosary beads?” I say. “You know, for when we … confess?” Is that what you do with rosary beads? We were brought up in an ultra-liberal church where most of the choir members are drag queens and are thus ultra-clueless to the tenets of the Catholic church.
    Mom raises a questioning eyebrow, then turns to David. “Kids,” she says, shaking her head. “We’re Generated by ABC Amber LIT Conv erter, http://www.processtext.com/abclit.html
    actually lapsed Unitarians. We don’t use rosary beads.”
    David smiles indulgently at her. “I’m sorry to say I’m a bit of an agnostic, myself,” he says. “You’ll never find me setting foot in a church.”
    Of course you wouldn’t, Vamp Nerd. You’d probably spon-taneously combust from the pure evilness that is in your soul.
    “Well, in some respects, I believe religion has been set in place to sedate the unhappy masses so the government can control our lives,” Mom theorizes as she dishes out the tofu steaks and vegan mashed potatoes.
    “I completely agree with you,” David says.
    Oh, god. Here we go again.
    Mom sits and the conversation goes back to the bizarre. For a vampire, David has a lot of out-there political opinions. Either that, or he’s just trying to impress Mom. Which means he’s done his research. Suddenly, this situation becomes a whole lot scarier. I wonder what he knows about me. About Sunny. I do notice that the guy doesn’t eat much dinner. He mostly pushes the food around on his plate. At first I think this could be another sign of vampirism, ‘til I notice Sunny-doing the same thing and realize it could just be Mom’s cook-ing. I’m not too thrilled with it myself. Plus, he does take a confirmed bite or two. The two grown-ups are so engrossed in their conversation that they don’t notice as Sunny and I slip out of our seats. Mom’s too wrapped up in Mr. Conspiracy Theory. In fact, she’s almost glowing. I haven’t seen her this happy in years. Really blows that I’m going to have to kill the guy. Oh, well. It’s for the best. But first we have to confirm our suspicions. I need to make sure the guy is one hundred per-cent evil vamp before I go whip out my stake.
    We grab the Super Soakers we’d hid behind the couch. Time for Phase Two.
    “Lock and load,” I say, raising my gun.
    She grins.