Splitsville.com by Tonya Kappes Page A

my best southern drawl that sounds much like a dead cat.
    I tell the operator the names and numbers of both Sabrina and her murderous boyfriend and hang up. There is no way I’m going to expose who I am or how I know the information I gave her. Plus, if I keep it under a minute they can’t trace my call, right?
    Or at least that’s how it is on all the cop shows—under a minute. God, I hope they’re right.
    “What are you doing?”
    I jump around to find Aunt Matilda in a new tie-dyed peasant dress. Her coal black hair is in two low pigtails. “You scared me. I didn’t know you were coming by today.”
    She makes her way back to the kitchen. “I didn’t know I had to call.”
    I follow her to make sure I didn’t hurt her feelings. That’s the last thing I need to worry about. “No you don’t, it’s just normally I can hear you coming. I love your new dress. And your pig tails are very endearing.” I see the sparkle come back to her eye. She can never turn down a compliment.
    “Oh, just trying something new.” She works her way around the kitchen like a busy bee making another pot of coffee, while wiping the counter behind her.
    “I have another client, but I’ll take a cup of coffee afterwards,” I say walking back down the hall. That will be a good time to catch her up on Dabi, Kent and Michael.
    Some dumps just have to be fast. There doesn’t seem to be a lot of meat on this one. Michelle is breaking up with Keith because they aren’t right for each other and they both know it. I can get this one over before the coffee is done brewing.
    “Hello, is Keith there?” I ask when a guy answers. From his picture, he’s boring as dirt. Blond hair, glasses, and no expression. No wonder Michelle’s dumping him.
    “Mm, yeah,” he confirms.
    “Hi Keith, I’m Jenn from Splitsville.com.” The place to come if you want to be murdered, I think. “I am calling on behalf of Michelle. She hired Splitsville.com to break up with you because she says every time she tries to do it herself, you get angry or depressed.”
    “It’s a little too late for April Fool.” Keith chalks it up to a joke.
    “Keith this isn’t an April Fool’s joke. You know and she knows you aren’t good for each other, so just let it go.”
    It seems to sink in. “How do you expect me to do that?”
    “I don’t know. That’s beyond my realm of expertise. I do the breaking up, not the healing. I do know that you are going to call her when we get off the phone but don’t. She won’t answer.” I convince him to just cut his lose and move on.
    “Of course I’m going to call her.”
    “Don’t do that. How would I know all of this if this was a joke? She’s not going to take your call,” I assure him. I can’t bring myself to be a smart ass. Since Dabi, I’m afraid every dumpee might go cap the dumper. 
    “Keith today of all days, this needs to be really simple. All I need is for you to tell me you understand.” I have to cut to the chase and finish this call so I can get all of my problems off my chest by talking to Aunt Matilda. The coffee smells delicious.
    “I guess,” he mutters, which is all I need to hear. If I look up “guess” in the dictionary, I’m sure affirmation would be in the definition.
    I don’t care. I take it. “Thank you for using Splitsville.com.” I hang up the phone just as the doorbell rings. I hop up to answer it, but Matilda beats me to it.
    “Hi Matilda.” 
    I peek over her shoulder to see who’s at my door that knows her.
    The police officer standing in front of her catches a glimpse of me, then looks back at her. “Hello Carl, it’s been a while.” Either Aunt Matilda is eating a sour grape or she sounds like it.
    I stare at the six foot tall thin man and wonder what Aunt Matilda’s distaste is. His salt and pepper hair is cut short exactly the way Aunt Matilda likes on a man, so it can’t be his appearance. Maybe it’s his aura?
    Really it sounds like Aunt Matilda is a little