Soulmates by Jessica Grose

The waiter came back with our food and Jason started in on his burger. “This Urban Ashram shit sounds weird, I’ll be honest with you,” he said.
    â€œYou don’t know anything about it,” I said. My yogic breathing was getting more intense.
    â€œYou’re right, I don’t,” Jason said. “But I know lots about you, and the Ethan I’ve known doesn’t talk about his ‘spirituality’ or cheat on his wife.” He put the burger down and stared at me, hard.
    â€œOkay,” I said, digging into my salad. My commitment to nonviolence prevented me from really engaging here. Jason was obviously a nonbeliever. Lama Yoni always says that when you spot a nonbeliever, the only option is to go into neutral stance. “How’s things going with you?” I asked.
    Jason looked relieved at the change of subject. “Things have been pretty good, man. I started seeing this woman, Lily. Met her through my sister. She’s super smart.” He started describing their relationship and I tried to listen as best I could. But for the rest of our lunch I could feel the distance between us grow. We still bro-hugged at the end, though, like nothing had happened.
    I walked down Third Avenue away from the restaurant and felt lonelier than I had in weeks.
    DAILY AFFIRMATION :
    My worth is not defined by what I am paid.
    At this point I started wondering if I should quit my job. I hated it, and I would be more easily able to avoid Amaya if I found something else. In a moment of distracted contemplation, I floated the idea to Dana.
    â€œWhat would you say if I wanted to quit my job?” I leaned over and asked her after her alarm went off. I had been awake since three in the morning thinking about everything. She hadn’t had her coffee yet, so I knew she would give me her unvarnished opinion.
    â€œI would tell you to go fuck yourself,” Dana said. It was so over-the-top harsh, at first I couldn’t tell if she was joking.
    â€œAre you serious?”
    Dana sat bolt upright, her face expressionless. “I’m completely serious. I’m not about to be married to some no-job loser. We’re too old for this shit, Ethan. Grow. Up. Stop being such a pussy.” She threw a pillow into my stomach, got up, stomped to the bathroom, and slammed the door.
    I sat in bed, my mouth agape. When did she become so soulnegative? I just sat there until I heard her come out five minutes later. She’d washed her face, but her eyes were red.
    â€œEthan, I’m sorry I snapped at you. But I don’t know where this is coming from. I thought we had a plan for our future.”
    I wanted to say You mean you have a plan for our future, but instead I told her, “It’s okay. You’re going to be late for work. We can pick this up later.”
    â€œOkay,” Dana croaked, her voice shaky. “I am just really sickof going through this with you. We’re at a good place to settle down, and I feel like you keep wanting to unsettle us.”
    I didn’t know what to say to that. I was fundamentally unsettled in a way I didn’t think she cared to understand. So I just gave her a hug and said, “I’ll go make you some coffee.”
    DAILY AFFIRMATION :
    Moving forward in the face of uncertainty is the definition of courage.
    My mind was ricocheting back and forth from week to week. After I saw Jason I was more determined about my study with Yoni—my problem was unsupportive brethren like him, not my newfound knowledge. Then, after Dana freaked out, I thought I wasn’t going to go back to the ashram. Ever. I really wasn’t. That week I thought, even though I had been learning so much from Yoni, I had made a commitment to Dana, and that commitment still meant something deep and abiding. When I thought more about Jason’s reaction to my recent life changes, I went from defensiveness to ambivalence. Was my spiritual fulfillment worth