touched glass down on the table with a slight gag.
"You want me to top that off?" Francis asked pleasantly.
"No, I'm good," he replied with a smile that resembled a grimace.
"I want more. That really is slap your mamma good," Granny complimented the Cows, holding out her empty glass.
Harley gave a whoop of delight and poured Granny another round.
"As to the shiftin'," Francis told us, "we don't do it much."
"No siree," Lee chimed in. "After Jamie ate that human we figured we should only shift to yank teat."
"Amen," Pat said with arms raised to the Heavens. "But because of Jamie's little snafu, the humans don't come round much no more so we got a milk overload."
"And since we don't drink the shit, we don't have much reason to shift no more," Morgan spoke up for the first time.
"Two or three of us shift every other week or so. If we don't we'll pop like a tick. Milk explosions are loud and ugly. They can cause deafness in your left ear," Pat shuddered and made a loud popping noise that created the picture vividly.
"I've exploded at least twelve times this year. It sucks growing back limbs," Jamie explained.
We all sat in somewhat awkward silence as Jamie shed a few tears over the snafu and the lost appendages. The Cows patted it on the back then grunted and swayed.
I accidently picked up my glass and took a sip in my panic to think of something to say. It tasted like warm butt, not that I knew what butt tasted like… but it sure as hell smelled like it. Swallowing my bile as not to upset the Cows was more difficult than beheading a Dragon, but I did it.
With tears in my eyes and my stomach roiling I decided to talk—it was either that or I'd puke. "So dude, um… ettes or not, I was wondering if you're related in any way."
"Yep," Francis said with a wrinkled brow, trying to figure out the first part of my sentence. "We're all Dungs."
Dwayne's gasp and girlie shriek was alarmingly audible. He stood up with fluttering hands and next thing I knew he was plastered to the ceiling.
"Shit fire," Granny muttered as she grabbed his leg, pulled him down and sat on him.
The Cows clapped wildly and begged him to do it again. Hank put his head in his hands and sighed heavily.
"So, um… about this Vampyre Dwayne…" Dwayne said from beneath Granny as he removed his scarf from his nose and tied it into a do rag on his head. "Why is it you want to see him?"
"The poop patty told us to wait here for him," Lee said.
"It told us he would come and save us," Pat added.
"From what?" Hank asked.
"The poop didn't tell us that part," Francis said sadly. "We stay here because we know he'll come."
Granny wisely placed her hand over Dwayne's mouth before he could say anything that would turn our strange social visit into a bloodbath. "Your poop lies," she said.
"Don't you be talking smack on the poop, old lady," Harley grunted as the others paced in agitation.
"The poop clearly lies," Granny persisted. "You are not the only Were species in the world."
The grumbling was turning ugly. Hank quickly stood and put himself between us and the Cows.
I shot Granny a shut the hell up look and tried to diplomatically take over. "Wait," I shouted over the unhappy grunts, violent fist clenching and chest thumping. I was not going to die in a trailer in Indiana after accidently ingesting butt juice. "Is it possible you might have misread the poop? Could it have meant that you are the only Cow species left in the world?"
That stopped everyone.
"Hell and damnation," Jamie gasped out. "That bag of bones might be on to something."
The Cows all sprinted to the wall shelves and began taking down the empty milk jugs—that weren't empty. In the glass bottom of each bottle was a poop patty. Thankfully they were sealed shut. The Cows examined them with excitement and purpose. I pinched myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming this
"You want me to top that off?" Francis asked pleasantly.
"No, I'm good," he replied with a smile that resembled a grimace.
"I want more. That really is slap your mamma good," Granny complimented the Cows, holding out her empty glass.
Harley gave a whoop of delight and poured Granny another round.
"As to the shiftin'," Francis told us, "we don't do it much."
"No siree," Lee chimed in. "After Jamie ate that human we figured we should only shift to yank teat."
"Amen," Pat said with arms raised to the Heavens. "But because of Jamie's little snafu, the humans don't come round much no more so we got a milk overload."
"And since we don't drink the shit, we don't have much reason to shift no more," Morgan spoke up for the first time.
"Two or three of us shift every other week or so. If we don't we'll pop like a tick. Milk explosions are loud and ugly. They can cause deafness in your left ear," Pat shuddered and made a loud popping noise that created the picture vividly.
"I've exploded at least twelve times this year. It sucks growing back limbs," Jamie explained.
We all sat in somewhat awkward silence as Jamie shed a few tears over the snafu and the lost appendages. The Cows patted it on the back then grunted and swayed.
I accidently picked up my glass and took a sip in my panic to think of something to say. It tasted like warm butt, not that I knew what butt tasted like… but it sure as hell smelled like it. Swallowing my bile as not to upset the Cows was more difficult than beheading a Dragon, but I did it.
With tears in my eyes and my stomach roiling I decided to talk—it was either that or I'd puke. "So dude, um… ettes or not, I was wondering if you're related in any way."
"Yep," Francis said with a wrinkled brow, trying to figure out the first part of my sentence. "We're all Dungs."
Dwayne's gasp and girlie shriek was alarmingly audible. He stood up with fluttering hands and next thing I knew he was plastered to the ceiling.
"Shit fire," Granny muttered as she grabbed his leg, pulled him down and sat on him.
The Cows clapped wildly and begged him to do it again. Hank put his head in his hands and sighed heavily.
"So, um… about this Vampyre Dwayne…" Dwayne said from beneath Granny as he removed his scarf from his nose and tied it into a do rag on his head. "Why is it you want to see him?"
"The poop patty told us to wait here for him," Lee said.
"It told us he would come and save us," Pat added.
"From what?" Hank asked.
"The poop didn't tell us that part," Francis said sadly. "We stay here because we know he'll come."
Granny wisely placed her hand over Dwayne's mouth before he could say anything that would turn our strange social visit into a bloodbath. "Your poop lies," she said.
"Don't you be talking smack on the poop, old lady," Harley grunted as the others paced in agitation.
"The poop clearly lies," Granny persisted. "You are not the only Were species in the world."
The grumbling was turning ugly. Hank quickly stood and put himself between us and the Cows.
I shot Granny a shut the hell up look and tried to diplomatically take over. "Wait," I shouted over the unhappy grunts, violent fist clenching and chest thumping. I was not going to die in a trailer in Indiana after accidently ingesting butt juice. "Is it possible you might have misread the poop? Could it have meant that you are the only Cow species left in the world?"
That stopped everyone.
"Hell and damnation," Jamie gasped out. "That bag of bones might be on to something."
The Cows all sprinted to the wall shelves and began taking down the empty milk jugs—that weren't empty. In the glass bottom of each bottle was a poop patty. Thankfully they were sealed shut. The Cows examined them with excitement and purpose. I pinched myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming this
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