was. As I walked past the Rascal I resisted the urge to whip out my pen and draw a line through the offending apostrophe. ‘How many effs in apostrophe?’ ‘There is no effin’ apostrophe.’ ‘Boom-boom, thank you and good night.’
‘Where is everybody?’ I asked, surveying the empty desks and noting the absence of jackets, daily papers and items of food required to see a team of the force’s finest through their strife-torn day. Job on, I was told. The chief suspect for the ram-raid had just had an early-morning call and at that very moment was standing in his summer-weight jimjams, explaining that he’d always been a Guardian reader; he bought it for the dog-racing tips.
I had my usual meeting with Mr Wood and started committing yesterday’s story to print. I’d just reached the bit where the waitress at the Happy Burger kissed me goodbye and hoped I’d come again when the outer door burst open and the troops came laughing and jostling into the office. There was a knock on my door and Nigel entered, followed byDave. I clicked Save and rocked my chair back on two legs. ‘Success?’ I asked.
‘Yep,’ Nigel said, with a self-satisfied grin.
‘Go on.’
‘Definitely a criminal type. Found a Guardian under a cushion on the settee.’
‘Bang to rights,’ I said.
‘Oh, and about an ounce of what looks like herbal cannabis.’
‘It gets better.’ Herbal cannabis was suddenly turning up all over the place. I turned to Dave. ‘Did he, er, behave himself?’ I asked, nodding at Nigel. He has a reputation for impetuosity.
‘He was OK,’ Sparky replied.
‘Only OK?’
‘Well, I wasn’t going to mention it…’
‘Mention what?’
‘Don’t encourage him,’ Nigel interrupted. ‘He’ll mention it, whatever it is. Believe me, he’ll mention it. Nothing will stop him.’
‘I don’t know if I ought to…’ Dave continued, feigning awkwardness.
‘Now you’ve got to tell me,’ I replied, my hands in an appealing gesture that I’d seen so many times in court.
‘Well…’ he went on, ‘we brayed on the front door, like we do, and this little old lady opened it…’
‘Mmm.’
‘And…well…it’s just that…to be honest…I thought Freeze, motherfucker! was a bit over the top.’
‘I never!’ Nigel exclaimed. ‘Oh, forget it!’
‘Little old ladies can be dangerous, David,’ I warned him. ‘Especially if they’re carrying a handbag. Sometimes they have a jar of Pond’s cold cream tucked in the bottom corner. Get sandbagged by one of those and it’s like being hit by a flat-nosed .45. Anyway, it looks like you’ve saved us from a red face, so well done the boys.’
‘What about you?’ Dave asked.
I flicked the monitor with the back of my knuckles. ‘Just putting it all down,’ I replied.
‘JJ Fox had a mention on the YTV news last night,’ Nigel said.
‘What’s he done?’ I asked.
‘Apparently that big new office block he’s built near the river in Leeds is going to house Reynard Insurance, which will mean about a thousand extra jobs for the region. They’re expecting him to come personally to cut the ribbon when it opens.’
‘Really? Did they say when?’
‘’Fraid not, but they said he’ll no doubt stay at the Fox Borealis, where the penthouse suite is permanently earmarked for him.’
‘With a pad on the roof for his helicopter,’ Dave added.
‘How frightfully non-U,’ I said. ‘It sounds asif Leeds has adopted a new son. Maybe we’ll get a chance to have an audience with him when he comes, so let’s do our homework.’
The multiscreen was reshowing Seven , and I fancied watching it again, but Jacquie wanted to see the one about three girls from small-town America who vowed to stay friends whatever life threw at them, so that’s what I bought tickets for. The willowy blonde married a millionaire, the husband of the perky brunette beat her up and the redhead caught cancer. I used the time to muse on Crosby’s story, wonder
‘Where is everybody?’ I asked, surveying the empty desks and noting the absence of jackets, daily papers and items of food required to see a team of the force’s finest through their strife-torn day. Job on, I was told. The chief suspect for the ram-raid had just had an early-morning call and at that very moment was standing in his summer-weight jimjams, explaining that he’d always been a Guardian reader; he bought it for the dog-racing tips.
I had my usual meeting with Mr Wood and started committing yesterday’s story to print. I’d just reached the bit where the waitress at the Happy Burger kissed me goodbye and hoped I’d come again when the outer door burst open and the troops came laughing and jostling into the office. There was a knock on my door and Nigel entered, followed byDave. I clicked Save and rocked my chair back on two legs. ‘Success?’ I asked.
‘Yep,’ Nigel said, with a self-satisfied grin.
‘Go on.’
‘Definitely a criminal type. Found a Guardian under a cushion on the settee.’
‘Bang to rights,’ I said.
‘Oh, and about an ounce of what looks like herbal cannabis.’
‘It gets better.’ Herbal cannabis was suddenly turning up all over the place. I turned to Dave. ‘Did he, er, behave himself?’ I asked, nodding at Nigel. He has a reputation for impetuosity.
‘He was OK,’ Sparky replied.
‘Only OK?’
‘Well, I wasn’t going to mention it…’
‘Mention what?’
‘Don’t encourage him,’ Nigel interrupted. ‘He’ll mention it, whatever it is. Believe me, he’ll mention it. Nothing will stop him.’
‘I don’t know if I ought to…’ Dave continued, feigning awkwardness.
‘Now you’ve got to tell me,’ I replied, my hands in an appealing gesture that I’d seen so many times in court.
‘Well…’ he went on, ‘we brayed on the front door, like we do, and this little old lady opened it…’
‘Mmm.’
‘And…well…it’s just that…to be honest…I thought Freeze, motherfucker! was a bit over the top.’
‘I never!’ Nigel exclaimed. ‘Oh, forget it!’
‘Little old ladies can be dangerous, David,’ I warned him. ‘Especially if they’re carrying a handbag. Sometimes they have a jar of Pond’s cold cream tucked in the bottom corner. Get sandbagged by one of those and it’s like being hit by a flat-nosed .45. Anyway, it looks like you’ve saved us from a red face, so well done the boys.’
‘What about you?’ Dave asked.
I flicked the monitor with the back of my knuckles. ‘Just putting it all down,’ I replied.
‘JJ Fox had a mention on the YTV news last night,’ Nigel said.
‘What’s he done?’ I asked.
‘Apparently that big new office block he’s built near the river in Leeds is going to house Reynard Insurance, which will mean about a thousand extra jobs for the region. They’re expecting him to come personally to cut the ribbon when it opens.’
‘Really? Did they say when?’
‘’Fraid not, but they said he’ll no doubt stay at the Fox Borealis, where the penthouse suite is permanently earmarked for him.’
‘With a pad on the roof for his helicopter,’ Dave added.
‘How frightfully non-U,’ I said. ‘It sounds asif Leeds has adopted a new son. Maybe we’ll get a chance to have an audience with him when he comes, so let’s do our homework.’
The multiscreen was reshowing Seven , and I fancied watching it again, but Jacquie wanted to see the one about three girls from small-town America who vowed to stay friends whatever life threw at them, so that’s what I bought tickets for. The willowy blonde married a millionaire, the husband of the perky brunette beat her up and the redhead caught cancer. I used the time to muse on Crosby’s story, wonder
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