remember how independent of you my choices were—and that’s a scary epiphany: how completely independent of
my
needs and fears Jax’s choices will be one day.
“We as parents have the illusion that we make our kids stronger, but they make us stronger.
“When he came into my life, it’s like everything got intensely amplified—now school is lit by the force field of Jax, like having a new lighting system in your life.
“The illusion of control in your life is smashed. Sometimes when you’re a parent you’re just hanging on by a pinkie finger, and you say to God, ‘Trusting you, Dude—I trust you have a plan for us.’
“I thought I could help Jax grow as strong as possible as a person, but he’s in charge of how he decides to grow, or not. Like I was. I have three main ideas here I want to tell you about:
“It used to be kind of an accident that he could get his feet to his mouth, but now it’s a tool in his movements. He grabs his feet to shift his weight forward, and to sit or roll. Now it’s a lever, to use. He’ll use his feet as a lever, as handles.He’s discovered, ‘Wow, they’re attached to me. They have weight to them.’ It’s evolutionary, and it caught me by surprise because the foot phone seemed like a phase, but it was evolution—him starting the movement process, of rolling over, and rocking forward inch by inch, like someone with no arms. Now you can’t take your eyes off him for a second. He’ll go from being on his back to being on his stomach, with an arm trapped beneath him, and hurt himself. Now if you look away, he can get hurt.
“Another thing is that I see now that all Jax needs is loving care, and diaper changes. All he needs to grow are opportunities to figure things out. He needs us to spend enough time with him on his back so he can learn to arch it. He gets bigger and stronger every day regardless of us, instead of because of us. He
is
life, he’s life learning to seize itself. He’s like a snowball at the top of a hill, gathering himself as he rolls. He’s his own snowball, made of the same snow as us, and life. Like, look at me, even with a dad, it shows you that you need God to be breathing into you—that your parents just need to be guardians and protectors, because you’re your own snowball.
“And third, he makes me stronger, because you have to balance so much now—you have to reschedule everything you have to do—homework and him. It forces you to tap into more of you than you knew was there—parts that you didn’t even know you had.
“With him in the equation, everything is a small victory,just getting homework done is a small miracle, because part of my mind has to be on him, lying on the ground playing, even as I try to study. Before, it was like I was trying to keep four plates spinning in the air, with just Amy and regular homework and life—now it’s four plates,
and
something precious and priceless and fragile in the air, in the mix,
and
at the same time a Ming dynasty monkey that is able to animate itself and try to escape from the air where you are trying to keep it in the juggling lineup.
“Now I get my laundry done, and it’s WOW. Or I finish my homework, and I can hear the sound track from
Chariots of Fire
playing.
“I’m getting more resilient as a father, about doing things I don’t want to do—the self-centered person is still totally there, even though I’m a father figure. There used to be a list of stuff I hoped to get done, homework or exercise or whatever, and now if I want to make a schedule for myself, it’s like, ‘Thanks for sharing,’ because instead, I know I’m going to need to stare at my son for a long time. Or I might have to call Amy and find out exactly what he’s doing, if they are at home and I am at school.
“When I can put a picture of him in my head, it’s in real time—I’m not relying on memories to see him inside myself. I can be a fly on the wall watching right as it happens, even if we
my
needs and fears Jax’s choices will be one day.
“We as parents have the illusion that we make our kids stronger, but they make us stronger.
“When he came into my life, it’s like everything got intensely amplified—now school is lit by the force field of Jax, like having a new lighting system in your life.
“The illusion of control in your life is smashed. Sometimes when you’re a parent you’re just hanging on by a pinkie finger, and you say to God, ‘Trusting you, Dude—I trust you have a plan for us.’
“I thought I could help Jax grow as strong as possible as a person, but he’s in charge of how he decides to grow, or not. Like I was. I have three main ideas here I want to tell you about:
“It used to be kind of an accident that he could get his feet to his mouth, but now it’s a tool in his movements. He grabs his feet to shift his weight forward, and to sit or roll. Now it’s a lever, to use. He’ll use his feet as a lever, as handles.He’s discovered, ‘Wow, they’re attached to me. They have weight to them.’ It’s evolutionary, and it caught me by surprise because the foot phone seemed like a phase, but it was evolution—him starting the movement process, of rolling over, and rocking forward inch by inch, like someone with no arms. Now you can’t take your eyes off him for a second. He’ll go from being on his back to being on his stomach, with an arm trapped beneath him, and hurt himself. Now if you look away, he can get hurt.
“Another thing is that I see now that all Jax needs is loving care, and diaper changes. All he needs to grow are opportunities to figure things out. He needs us to spend enough time with him on his back so he can learn to arch it. He gets bigger and stronger every day regardless of us, instead of because of us. He
is
life, he’s life learning to seize itself. He’s like a snowball at the top of a hill, gathering himself as he rolls. He’s his own snowball, made of the same snow as us, and life. Like, look at me, even with a dad, it shows you that you need God to be breathing into you—that your parents just need to be guardians and protectors, because you’re your own snowball.
“And third, he makes me stronger, because you have to balance so much now—you have to reschedule everything you have to do—homework and him. It forces you to tap into more of you than you knew was there—parts that you didn’t even know you had.
“With him in the equation, everything is a small victory,just getting homework done is a small miracle, because part of my mind has to be on him, lying on the ground playing, even as I try to study. Before, it was like I was trying to keep four plates spinning in the air, with just Amy and regular homework and life—now it’s four plates,
and
something precious and priceless and fragile in the air, in the mix,
and
at the same time a Ming dynasty monkey that is able to animate itself and try to escape from the air where you are trying to keep it in the juggling lineup.
“Now I get my laundry done, and it’s WOW. Or I finish my homework, and I can hear the sound track from
Chariots of Fire
playing.
“I’m getting more resilient as a father, about doing things I don’t want to do—the self-centered person is still totally there, even though I’m a father figure. There used to be a list of stuff I hoped to get done, homework or exercise or whatever, and now if I want to make a schedule for myself, it’s like, ‘Thanks for sharing,’ because instead, I know I’m going to need to stare at my son for a long time. Or I might have to call Amy and find out exactly what he’s doing, if they are at home and I am at school.
“When I can put a picture of him in my head, it’s in real time—I’m not relying on memories to see him inside myself. I can be a fly on the wall watching right as it happens, even if we
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