now.”
“I’m sorry,” Benteley said awkwardly. “I didn’t know.”
Eleanor shrugged and smiled bright-eyed, red lips twitching. “It’s a heck of a thing, isn’t it? After I lived with Moore, I lived with one of the other research technicians, a friend of his, and then somebody in the planning board. I was a teep,remember? A lot of non-teeps won’t live with a teep, and I never got along with the Corps.”
“That’s over with now.”
“It sure is.” She strolled around the room, hands deep in her pockets, suddenly solemn and thoughtful. “I guess I’ve wasted my life. I never saw anything in being telepathic; it meant I had to be trained for the Corps or submit to a removal probe. I signed up to keep out of the work-camps … I don’t have a classification. Did you know that? If Verrick drops me, that’s the end. I can’t go back to the Corps and I can’t really do anything to beat the Quiz.” She glanced appealingly at Benteley. “Do you think differently about me because I’m unattached?”
“Not at all.”
“I feel so damn funny, loose like this.” She gestured tensely. “I’m completely cut off. On my own. This is a terrible ordeal for me, Ted. I had to go with Verrick; he’s the only man I’ve ever felt completely safe with. But it cut me off from my family.” She gazed up at him pathetically. “I hate being alone. I get so frightened.”
“Don’t get frightened. Spit in their eye.”
Eleanor shuddered. “I couldn’t do that. How can you live like that? You’ve got to have people you can depend on, somebody strong, somebody to take care of you. This is a big frigid world, completely bleak and hostile and empty of warmth. You know what happens to you if you let go and fall?”
“I know.” He nodded. “They pack them off by the million.”
“I’d stay with the Corps, I guess. But I hate the Corps. Prying, listening, always knowing what’s going on in your mind. You don’t really live, not as a separate individual. You’re a sort of collective organism. You can’t really love, you can’t really hate. All you have is your job. Even that isn’t yours. You share it with eighty other people, people like Wakeman.”
“You want to be alone but you’re afraid,” Benteley said.
“I want to be
me!
I don’t want to be alone. I hate waking up in the morning and finding nobody beside me. I hate coming home to an empty apartment. Dinner alone, cooking and keeping the place fixed up for myself. Turning on the lights at night, pulling down the shades. Watching tv. Just sitting. Thinking.”
“You’re young. You’ll get used to it.”
“I’m not going to get used to it!” She brightened. “Of course, I’ve done better than some.” She tossed her flame-red mane of hair and her eyes clouded, green and luxurious and cunning. “I’ve lived with a lot of men, since I was sixteen. I can’t remember how many; I meet them the way I met you, at work or at parties, sometimes through friends. We live together awhile, and then we quarrel. Something always goes wrong; it never lasts.” Her terror shivered back, violent and overwhelming. “They leave! They stay around awhile and then they take off, they let me down. Or they … throw me out.”
“It happens,” Benteley said. He hardly heard her; he was thinking his own thoughts.
“I’ll find the one, someday,” Eleanor said fervently. “Won’t I? And I’m only nineteen. Haven’t I done all right for nineteen? That’s not very long. And Verrick’s my protector: I can always depend on him.”
Benteley roused himself. “Are you asking me to live with you?”
Eleanor blushed. “Well, would you mind?”
He didn’t answer.
“What’s the matter?” she asked quickly, hurt-eyed and urgent.
“Nothing to do with you.” Benteley turned his back to her and wandered over to the translucent view-wall. He restored it to transparency. “The Hill looks pretty at night,” he said, gazing moodily out. “You
“I’m sorry,” Benteley said awkwardly. “I didn’t know.”
Eleanor shrugged and smiled bright-eyed, red lips twitching. “It’s a heck of a thing, isn’t it? After I lived with Moore, I lived with one of the other research technicians, a friend of his, and then somebody in the planning board. I was a teep,remember? A lot of non-teeps won’t live with a teep, and I never got along with the Corps.”
“That’s over with now.”
“It sure is.” She strolled around the room, hands deep in her pockets, suddenly solemn and thoughtful. “I guess I’ve wasted my life. I never saw anything in being telepathic; it meant I had to be trained for the Corps or submit to a removal probe. I signed up to keep out of the work-camps … I don’t have a classification. Did you know that? If Verrick drops me, that’s the end. I can’t go back to the Corps and I can’t really do anything to beat the Quiz.” She glanced appealingly at Benteley. “Do you think differently about me because I’m unattached?”
“Not at all.”
“I feel so damn funny, loose like this.” She gestured tensely. “I’m completely cut off. On my own. This is a terrible ordeal for me, Ted. I had to go with Verrick; he’s the only man I’ve ever felt completely safe with. But it cut me off from my family.” She gazed up at him pathetically. “I hate being alone. I get so frightened.”
“Don’t get frightened. Spit in their eye.”
Eleanor shuddered. “I couldn’t do that. How can you live like that? You’ve got to have people you can depend on, somebody strong, somebody to take care of you. This is a big frigid world, completely bleak and hostile and empty of warmth. You know what happens to you if you let go and fall?”
“I know.” He nodded. “They pack them off by the million.”
“I’d stay with the Corps, I guess. But I hate the Corps. Prying, listening, always knowing what’s going on in your mind. You don’t really live, not as a separate individual. You’re a sort of collective organism. You can’t really love, you can’t really hate. All you have is your job. Even that isn’t yours. You share it with eighty other people, people like Wakeman.”
“You want to be alone but you’re afraid,” Benteley said.
“I want to be
me!
I don’t want to be alone. I hate waking up in the morning and finding nobody beside me. I hate coming home to an empty apartment. Dinner alone, cooking and keeping the place fixed up for myself. Turning on the lights at night, pulling down the shades. Watching tv. Just sitting. Thinking.”
“You’re young. You’ll get used to it.”
“I’m not going to get used to it!” She brightened. “Of course, I’ve done better than some.” She tossed her flame-red mane of hair and her eyes clouded, green and luxurious and cunning. “I’ve lived with a lot of men, since I was sixteen. I can’t remember how many; I meet them the way I met you, at work or at parties, sometimes through friends. We live together awhile, and then we quarrel. Something always goes wrong; it never lasts.” Her terror shivered back, violent and overwhelming. “They leave! They stay around awhile and then they take off, they let me down. Or they … throw me out.”
“It happens,” Benteley said. He hardly heard her; he was thinking his own thoughts.
“I’ll find the one, someday,” Eleanor said fervently. “Won’t I? And I’m only nineteen. Haven’t I done all right for nineteen? That’s not very long. And Verrick’s my protector: I can always depend on him.”
Benteley roused himself. “Are you asking me to live with you?”
Eleanor blushed. “Well, would you mind?”
He didn’t answer.
“What’s the matter?” she asked quickly, hurt-eyed and urgent.
“Nothing to do with you.” Benteley turned his back to her and wandered over to the translucent view-wall. He restored it to transparency. “The Hill looks pretty at night,” he said, gazing moodily out. “You
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