So Gross! by J A Mawter

and down to her chin, just as she’d done with him.
    ‘Oooh, yuck!’ said Thea, finally pulling away.
    ‘Happy Valentine’s Day,’ yelled Sam to her retreating back.
    ‘It was just a bit of fun,’ said Mel, when her turn came.
    ‘At my expense,’ said Sam. ‘Some fun.’
    ‘Can’t you take a joke?’ taunted Mel.
    ‘Can you?’ asked Sam before standing on tiptoe and planting his lips on hers. This time he decided to go for a Reverse Suckerfish.
    When Mel finally pushed away she blurted angrily. ‘Spew on you.’
    ‘No,’ said Sam. ‘I reckon the spew’s on you.’
    Mel took off.
    Three down, one to go, thought Sam. Natalie was the last. She came up hesitantly. ‘What’s going on?’ she asked. ‘Is this some kind of a
    joke?’
    ‘You tell me,’ said Sam. ‘You’re the expert on jokes.’
    ‘I don’t understand,’ said Natalie, her face puzzled.
    ‘That “I love Natalie” note,’ said Sam. ‘You wrote it yourself.’
    ‘I did not!’
    ‘I found the yellow pad in your desk!’
    ‘So what?’ said Natalie. ‘Heaps of us use them. To mark things in our books.’
    Sam frowned. Maybe he was wrong after all?
    ‘I’m telling you. I did not write that note!’ Natalie was looking more and more distressed. Tearsbrimmed in her eyes. ‘You’re the one who’s had their joke.’ Furiously she blinked the tears away. ‘And the joke’s on me! I hate you Sam Wylie.’
    ‘I didn’t mean it,’ said Sam, but Natalie had gone.
    Sam felt terrible. He’d been so eager to lump Natalie in with the rest, and now he’d hurt her feelings. Even lost her as a friend. At least he hadn’t slavered all over her! Sam heard the bell go for afternoon lessons. With a sinking heart he went to line up.
    ‘Sam’s the best kisser in the world.’ Rachel’s voice rang out over the noise of the line, bringing Sam to a halt. ‘He kisses so good he makes your head spin!’
    Sam gulped. When was this nonsense going to stop? Several faces turned in his direction.
    ‘Sam kisses so good he makes you weak at the knees,’ said Melanie loudly.
    More children turned to stare at him.
    ‘Sam kisses so good he makes your heart go pitter patter,’ chimed in Thea.
    Sam had the undivided attention of his entire class.
    ‘Hey, lover boy,’ called Harry, following up with grunting noises.
    Sam wished that there were a black hole in the universe that he could dive into. Valentine’s Day. He never wanted one again.
    ‘Lips that are moist,’ Rachel went on, in her gushy mushy voice.
    ‘Lips that are juicy,’ said Mel, in her swoony voice.
    ‘Lips you could drown in!’ cried Thea.
    The girls started to giggle, enjoying their moment of triumph. They had turned the tables yet again.
    A lump formed in Sam’s throat. What a loser! This was not going the way he had planned. ‘Hey, stud,’ said Harry.
    Kids took up the cry. ‘Stud, stud, stud.’ The words pulsed through the air.
    ‘What’s your secret?’ yelled Tyrone.
    ‘Yeah, lover boy?’ said Harry.
    Others took up the cry. ‘Lover boy, lover boy, lover boy.’
    This had to stop! And Sam knew just how to do it. ‘Wanna know?’ he yelled, holding up his hand for silence. ‘Well, I’ll tell you!’ Sam waited till the last peal of laughter, the last ‘stud’ and ‘lover boy’ had died away. In a clear, loud voice he addressed the class. ‘Wanna know how to kiss?’ One boy nodded. ‘The secret,’ he continued, ‘is moist lips. Lips that can slide — glide even. Like you’re skating on ice.’
    The air was heavy with silence.
    ‘And how do you get them like that?’ Sam taunted the line of kids.
    ‘Tell us,’ said Rachel.
    ‘Tell us,’ said Mel.
    ‘Yes, tell us,’ cried Thea.
    ‘Tell us. Tell us. Tell us,’ went the class.
    Sam searched the line for Natalie. He found her, watching him, her face questioning. He winked. Natalie hesitated, then winked back. Only then did he turn to the rest of the class.
    ‘The secret of great kissing,’ he