locked in all the old patterns,” Dane said quietly. “Your mother snaps her fingers or your sister screws up, and you put your own life on hold to take care of everything. But it’s not just three months, Ella. It could be three
years
before Tara is able to screw her head on straight. And what if she has more kids? Are you going to take them all in?”
“I’ve already thought of that,” I admitted with difficulty. “But I can’t worry about what might happen in the future. Right now there’s only Luke, and he needs me.”
“What about what you need? You’re supposed to be writing a book, aren’t you? And how will you keep the column going?”
“I don’t know. But other people manage to work and take care of their children.”
“This isn’t your child.”
“He’s part of my family.”
“You don’t have a family, Ella.”
Although I had made similar comments in the past, it rankled to hear him say it. “We’re individuals bound by a pattern of reciprocal obligation,” I said. “If a group of chimps in the Amazon can be called a family, I think the Varners qualify.”
“Considering the fact that chimps occasionally cannibalize each other, I might agree with that.”
I reflected that I shouldn’t have confided quite so much about the Varners to Dane. “I hate arguing with you,” I muttered. “You know too much about me.”
“You’d hate it even more if I let you make the wrong decision without saying anything about it.”
“I think it’s the right decision. The way I’m looking at it, it’s the only decision I can live with.”
“Fair enough. But
I
can’t live with it.”
I took a deep breath. “So where does it leave us if I go ahead and do this? What happens to a four-year relationship?” It was hard for me to believe the person I had depended on more than anyone, a man I trusted and cared for deeply, was drawing such a definitive line in the sand.
“I suppose we could consider this a hiatus,” Dane said. I considered that while cold distilled worry seeped through my veins.
“And when I come back we’ll pick up where we left off? ”
“We can try.”
“What do you mean
try?”
“You can stick something in the freezer and thaw it out three months later, but it’s never exactly the same.”
“But you’ll promise to wait for me, right?” ”
Wait for you how?”
“I mean you won’t sleep with someone else.”
“Ella, neither of us can promise not to sleep with someone else.”
My jaw dropped. “We can’t?”
“Of course not. In a mature relationship there are no promises and no guarantees. We don’t own each other.”
“Dane, I thought we were exclusive.” I realized that for the second time that day, I was whining. A new thought occurred to me. “Have you ever cheated on me?”
“I wouldn’t call it cheating. But no, I haven’t.”
“What if I slept with someone else? Wouldn’t you feel jealous?”
“I wouldn’t deny you the chance to experience other relationships freely, if that was what you wanted. It’s a matter of trust. And openness.”
“We have an open relationship?”
“If you want to label it that way, yes.”
I had rarely, if ever, been so stunned. The basic assumptions I had made about Dane and me were being casually overturned. “My God. How can we have had an open relationship when I didn’t know it? What are the rules for that?”
Dane sounded vaguely amused. “There are no rules for us, Ella. There never have been. That’s the only reason you’ve stayed with me this long. The minute I tried to confine you in any way, you’d have been out of there.”
My head was filled with arguments and demands. I wondered if he was right. I was afraid he was. “Somehow,” I said slowly, “I’ve always thought of myself as a conventional person. Way too conventional for a relationship with no structure.”
“Miss Independent is,” he said. “The advice she gives other people follows a definite set of rules. But as
years
before Tara is able to screw her head on straight. And what if she has more kids? Are you going to take them all in?”
“I’ve already thought of that,” I admitted with difficulty. “But I can’t worry about what might happen in the future. Right now there’s only Luke, and he needs me.”
“What about what you need? You’re supposed to be writing a book, aren’t you? And how will you keep the column going?”
“I don’t know. But other people manage to work and take care of their children.”
“This isn’t your child.”
“He’s part of my family.”
“You don’t have a family, Ella.”
Although I had made similar comments in the past, it rankled to hear him say it. “We’re individuals bound by a pattern of reciprocal obligation,” I said. “If a group of chimps in the Amazon can be called a family, I think the Varners qualify.”
“Considering the fact that chimps occasionally cannibalize each other, I might agree with that.”
I reflected that I shouldn’t have confided quite so much about the Varners to Dane. “I hate arguing with you,” I muttered. “You know too much about me.”
“You’d hate it even more if I let you make the wrong decision without saying anything about it.”
“I think it’s the right decision. The way I’m looking at it, it’s the only decision I can live with.”
“Fair enough. But
I
can’t live with it.”
I took a deep breath. “So where does it leave us if I go ahead and do this? What happens to a four-year relationship?” It was hard for me to believe the person I had depended on more than anyone, a man I trusted and cared for deeply, was drawing such a definitive line in the sand.
“I suppose we could consider this a hiatus,” Dane said. I considered that while cold distilled worry seeped through my veins.
“And when I come back we’ll pick up where we left off? ”
“We can try.”
“What do you mean
try?”
“You can stick something in the freezer and thaw it out three months later, but it’s never exactly the same.”
“But you’ll promise to wait for me, right?” ”
Wait for you how?”
“I mean you won’t sleep with someone else.”
“Ella, neither of us can promise not to sleep with someone else.”
My jaw dropped. “We can’t?”
“Of course not. In a mature relationship there are no promises and no guarantees. We don’t own each other.”
“Dane, I thought we were exclusive.” I realized that for the second time that day, I was whining. A new thought occurred to me. “Have you ever cheated on me?”
“I wouldn’t call it cheating. But no, I haven’t.”
“What if I slept with someone else? Wouldn’t you feel jealous?”
“I wouldn’t deny you the chance to experience other relationships freely, if that was what you wanted. It’s a matter of trust. And openness.”
“We have an open relationship?”
“If you want to label it that way, yes.”
I had rarely, if ever, been so stunned. The basic assumptions I had made about Dane and me were being casually overturned. “My God. How can we have had an open relationship when I didn’t know it? What are the rules for that?”
Dane sounded vaguely amused. “There are no rules for us, Ella. There never have been. That’s the only reason you’ve stayed with me this long. The minute I tried to confine you in any way, you’d have been out of there.”
My head was filled with arguments and demands. I wondered if he was right. I was afraid he was. “Somehow,” I said slowly, “I’ve always thought of myself as a conventional person. Way too conventional for a relationship with no structure.”
“Miss Independent is,” he said. “The advice she gives other people follows a definite set of rules. But as
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