Smart Mouth Waitress by Dalya Moon Page A

disappoint.”
    I giggled. “I like the speed things are going. He can just come in Mondays and I'll feed him two thousand calories each time, and pretty soon he won't be able to get away from me if he tries, because he won't fit out the door.”
    “Bad plan. Ask him out.”
    “He's the guy. The guy should ask the girl.”
    “He's a smart one,” she said. “He knows it's your job to be somewhat nice to people at your job. He doesn't want to be yet another pervert hitting on you at work.”
    “I've never been asked out at work. I'm not you. I don't laugh nervously at everyone's jokes and get three phone numbers a day.”
    “Exactly. But you found a hottie who's interested, so make the most of it. He asked you to the art show, so the ball's in your court. Your move.”
    “What do I say? Shall I ask him if he wants to fornicate with me in the back of my mom's Land Rover?”
    “Dummy. Start with a walk or something.”
    “Outside, with all the bugs?”
    “Yes.” She waved her hand excitedly. “Get him to walk around Stanley Park with you.”
    I scrunched my nose. “That's a couple of miles at least. We'll be too exhausted to fornicate.”
    Courtney giggled. “You have to stop talking like that.”
    “I'm being authentic. This is how I talk.”
    Someone on Courtney's side of the restaurant whistled for service, so she took off like a rocket. She showed up late fairly regularly, but she was always responsive to her customers when she was on-shift, which kept her from getting fired. That, and the owner rarely fired people.
    When Courtney came back, she looked at me solemnly and said, “I've been a terrible influence on you. Before I came out as a lesbian, I did a lot of things to hide my secret. I kept people away.”
    “You didn't keep me away.” I did not understand where she was going with this.
    “With other people, I did. I'd make up strange things so people would think I was weird, not gay. When we were at slumber parties, talking about our crushes, who did I say was my crush?”
    “You'd always say something gross, like an inanimate object, or Ryan Seacrest. Then later, you'd agree with someone else's crush.”
    “Exactly. The weird stuff was to buy me time. I was so deathly afraid I might say a girl's name that I practiced saying anything but what I felt.”
    All the water pitchers were filled, and I was starting to get that waitress sixth sense that some tables needed their plates cleared.
    I grabbed a bar cloth and edged away from the counter. “I'm glad you're more comfortable now, but what's this got to do with me, or cute Marc out there?”
    “Everything. You said Marc was talking about authenticity. I wasn't being authentic back then. You know, you and I both do this thing, where we keep people away by always tipping them off balance.”
    “I don't want to keep people away. I've got nothing to hide.”
    She shook her head. “Never mind. We can talk about it later. Britain explains it way better than I do.”
    “Britain can eat my sweaty balls.”
    Courtney pointed at me with one petite finger. “Right there. You're doing it.”
    I rolled my eyes at her ridiculousness. “Whatever.”
    After clearing a few tables and wrapping up some bills, I took a stroll by Marc's table with more coffee. He was slowly putting the last morsel in his mouth and moaning for my benefit.
    I said, “You didn't really have to eat it all.”
    “Mmm,” he said.
    “Feel better now?”
    “Mmm.” He nodded.
    “So, what was getting you down the other day?” I refilled his coffee cup and put my left hand on my hip in what I hoped was an adorable waitress pose. My feet in the high-heeled boots were killing me, so I smiled to mask my pain-face.
    “The usual. Career-choice woes, university dilemmas.”
    “I wish I could help with that. Maybe you could talk to me about it sometime.”
    “I'd love to talk to a working Engineer, actually.”
    Just like that, opportunity fell into my lap.
    “My dad's an Engineer,”