Sky Cowboy by Kasey Millstead

fire.  Taking out the contents of my overnight bag, I put on each item of clothing and hope that the layers will keep me warm on what is sure to be a cold night.
    I lay down and curl myself into a ball in an effort to conserve my body heat.  I’m hungry because I haven’t eaten since dinner last night.  I’m tired because I’ve been walking all day.  My feet are killing for that very same reason.  I’m emotionally drained and my heart hurts.  Finally, I give into the tears that are threatening.  I sob quietly to myself while my brain replays Jeremy’s words that broke my heart.
    I can’t do this shit right now.
    Did it ever cross your mind that I would want to know that’s what my son is thinking about?  Or, was this all part of your plan?  Get into my pants and get yourself a readymade family.
    I can’t do this shit right now.
    No, Ava, it’s not fucking fair. It’s not fair that I didn’t even know that’s where my son’s head was at.  He’s never once mentioned anything to me about a mother figure. Not once.  It’s also not fucking fair that you did know, and you kept it from me.
    I can’t do this shit right now.
    I can’t do it.  Get your stuff together and take one of the Utes back to your parents place. I’ll organize one of the workers to come by and pick it up later.  I gotta go talk to my son.
    I can’t do this shit right now.
    I can’t do this shit right now.
    I can’t do this shit right now.
    Over and over the words swirl in my head.  They all mush together until eventually I can’t make sense of them and I start to get a headache.
    With tears still running down my face, I start to sing myself to sleep.
    Cowgirls don't cry, ride, baby, ride,
    Lessons in life are gonna show you in time,
    Soon enough you gonna know why,
    It's gonna hurt every now and then,
    If you fall get back on again,
    Cowgirls don't cry.

    “Ava, baby, wake up.  Wake up, honey.  I’m so sorry.  We’ll work everything out, just please forgive me.”  I am lying in Jeremy’s strong arms and he’s cradling me; rocking me gently.
    “I forgive you, Jeremy.  I’m sorry , too.  I should have told you about what Oscar said, as soon as he said it.”
    “Hush now , baby. It’s all forgotten.”  I look in Jeremy’s worried eyes and I want to take the concern away.  I snuggle into him.  My face hurts.  The more I snuggle into him, the more my face hurts.  Why does my face hurt?   My eyes spring open and there is no Jeremy.  I’ve been rubbing my face against the dirt.  My heart sinks as I realize it was all a dream.
    It was all a dream .  I feel the heaviness settle in my chest again as I look around.  It’s early morning, I guess it’s around five thirty.  A quick look at my mobile phone tells me the time - five forty one.  Stripping off a couple of layers, but leaving enough on to keep the chill out, I begin walking again.  After a couple of hours, I can’t withhold any longer and I have to drink some of the dirty dam water.  It’s disgusting, but it wets my throat which gives me some relief.  I need to get home before the heat of the day sets in again.  Think, Ava, think goddammit. 
    I look up and feel like crying.  I can see one of our hay sheds.  Thank you god.   I begin to walk quicker, knowing it’s only a matter of minutes before my home comes into sight. 
    I burst through the front door and immediately head towards the shower.  No one is home – this is not unusual.  My mother will be at her coffee shop and my father will be out making his rounds on the station.  Kennedy is more than likely back in Darwin because I can’t imagine her helping our parents out.
    I scrub every single inch of my body.  Twice.  I also shampoo my hair twice and condition three times.  Slowly but surely, I start to feel clean again.  I hear my phone ringing so I quickly wrap a towel around my body and wind one around my hair like a turban.
    My heart beats faster as I near my phone,