She, Myself & I by Whitney Gaskell Page B

in another relationship again,” she said.
    “Are you just going to mock me, or is there some advice coming my way?” I asked.
    “Here’s the advice: trust yourself. Yes, Scott deceived you, and yes, I can see how it would make you question yourself. But as a closeted gay man, Scott had a lot of practice getting by with his sexuality undetected. And maybe he didn’t even consciously know that he was gay. I wouldn’t be surprised if he thought his attraction to other men was just an impulse he could control, and that living life as a straight man was just a matter of discipline. But in the end, that doesn’t matter. What matters is that you get to the point where you can accept that there is nothing flawed or wrong with you because you didn’t know the truth,” she said.
    “You make it sound so easy. But you can’t guarantee that the next guy won’t be seriously screwed up in some way, or the one after him, or the one after him . What am I supposed to do, just leave myself open to getting kicked in the teeth over and over again?” I asked.
    “No, I’m definitely not saying it’s easy. You trusted someone you loved, and he deceived you, and it’s only natural that it’s going to be harder for you the next time around. But you’re taking it to an extreme. You’re not just saying, ‘I want to take some time off of dating so that I can heal, but I fully plan to get out there again.’ Instead, you’re deciding that you don’t want to get close to anyone ever again, because you don’t want to add any complications to your life. And I think that’s why you’re suddenly so eager to have a baby on your own. You’re craving the intimacy of a loving relationship, but you’re too frightened to put your heart on the line, and a baby will love you unconditionally. And to answer your earlier question, no, I don’t think that right now is the best time to make that decision. I’m not saying that you should never consider it, or even that doing it on your own is an objectively bad idea. And I’m certainly not saying that being single is a bad thing. But you shouldn’t make those kinds of decisions because you’re afraid of the alternative, afraid of opening yourself up to the possibility that there is someone out there for you.”
    “Like Zack, you mean.”
    “I don’t know,” Elise said, and she shrugged again.
    Considering I had gone to her for some solid, orderly advice, all of this shrugging was not comforting.
    “He could be the right one for you, or maybe he’s not. You hardly know him, other than to discover that your first impression of him wasn’t accurate and that he might have more to offer than you first thought,” Elise continued.
    “So . . . you think I should call him,” I surmised.
    “It’s up to you whether or not you choose to see him again,” she said. “I can’t decide that for you. Whatever you decide to do, though, just make sure you’re not letting your fear control you.”
    “Huh,” I said. “I guess I can see that.”
    Elise’s eyebrows arched.
    “What? I’m open to personal growth. I’m here, aren’t I?”
    “Always an important first step,” Elise said.
    “That’s right. And as long as I’m here, I do have one other tiny issue I wanted to talk about,” I said.
    “What’s that?”
    “The Home Shopping Network. Is it a bad sign if someone—not necessarily me—shops there? A lot?”
    Chapter Thirteen

    “Hello.” “Hi. Zack. It’s Paige,” I said. I turned my chair around and stared out my office window at the back of the capitol building. It was a grand building that mimicked the architecture and style of the United States Capitol. I’d always thought it looked out of place in Austin, like the poser girl everyone knows in college—usually a drama major—who shows up at keg parties in her prom dress.
    “Hi,” Zack said in what might have been a cool tone of voice. I couldn’t be sure—I’d called him on his cell phone, and the line had