unit in Waikamoi to hunt the alleged new poacher, and her period still hadn’t come.
Last night after work, Lei had felt tense, her skin too tight, ever since she’d taken the pregnancy test out of her purse and hidden it in the bathroom cabinet. That small, brown-paper-wrapped package seemed to be sending out sonar pings, unnerving her. What if Stevens found it? What would it tell them? She felt claustrophobic.
She’d met him on the porch outside her house when he arrived for their usual dinner together. “I think we should take a break before the wedding,” she said.
“Relax. It’s just me.” He reached out to hug her. She’d wriggled out of his arms. He’d taken her face in his hands, kissing her soft and full. His mouth on hers was gentle and persuasive. Lei’s lashes fluttered shut. She tried to get into the kiss.
Her childhood rapist , Charlie Kwon, had possessed eyes so deep a brown, the pupils barely showed. Those eyes swam up from hell, filling her mind, haunting her.
Those eyes turned her love to fear, her hunger for Stevens to sickness, her confidence to ash. She was “Damaged Goods,” his special name for her—and always would be. A fraud, a fake, a whore in disguise. Not a victim of abuse, a participant .
“I’ll make you like it,” Kwon had said.
Lei had never liked it. But she’d endured it, because there was no choice and because he said she was special to him. At nine years old, she’d been so starved for attention that even his abuse had been better than nothing.
She was sick, beyond saving.
She’d be a horrible mother.
Even as these thoughts flickered through her mind, she knew they were old beliefs, old dysfunction. She’d combatted so much with the help of her therapist, Dr. Wilson—but right now it was all too much. Revulsion rose up her throat like bile, and she broke the kiss and stepped back. “I just need a break. Nothing’s wrong. I just need a little space.”
Stevens stayed where he was, one foot on the top step, the other below , hands resting on a black leather belt loaded with sidearm and badge. He wore broken-in jeans, old boots, and a short-sleeved polo shirt she’d given him that brought out his sky-blue eyes.
Those eyes had gone flat and metallic. His dark brows drew down as his mouth thinned out into a hard line. “I’m sick of this, Lei. Really? We’re going to do this again?”
Lei crossed her arms over her thundering heart. “Nothing’ s wrong. I want to really look forward to the honeymoon and to being with you. That’s all.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“You don’t have to. You just have to respect what I’m asking.”
He removed his foot from the step. “Prove it to me. Come here. Kiss me and show me you still love me—that this isn’t about Kwon, some last -minute psycho freak-out. I think I deserve that much before I leave.”
Lei wanted to kiss him , but her feet were rooted to the boards of the old porch. She gulped and tasted bile. “I shouldn’t have to prove I love you like that. This is no big deal.”
“ I think it is. Now I’m worried you’re going to cut and run.”
“I won’t. I promise.” The feeling in her legs unlocked enough for her to lean forward and give him a peck on the lips. “But even if it is about Kwon, I’m marrying you . I just need a little space before the big day.”
“I’ll leave if you call Dr. Wilson. Call her right now.”
“You’re treating me like a child. Calling this a psycho freak-out. Telling me to get ahold of my shrink.” Lei tried to sound angry. The best defense was a good offense, her mother had always said.
“This is all those things—a childish, psycho freak-out—for which you need professional help. You’ve left me twice, and I’m not at all sure three times won’t be the charm.”
Lei felt the precipice of another breakup yawning before them, a severing more terrible than all her conflicted feelings. Losing Stevens was even scarier than Kwon’s eyes,
Last night after work, Lei had felt tense, her skin too tight, ever since she’d taken the pregnancy test out of her purse and hidden it in the bathroom cabinet. That small, brown-paper-wrapped package seemed to be sending out sonar pings, unnerving her. What if Stevens found it? What would it tell them? She felt claustrophobic.
She’d met him on the porch outside her house when he arrived for their usual dinner together. “I think we should take a break before the wedding,” she said.
“Relax. It’s just me.” He reached out to hug her. She’d wriggled out of his arms. He’d taken her face in his hands, kissing her soft and full. His mouth on hers was gentle and persuasive. Lei’s lashes fluttered shut. She tried to get into the kiss.
Her childhood rapist , Charlie Kwon, had possessed eyes so deep a brown, the pupils barely showed. Those eyes swam up from hell, filling her mind, haunting her.
Those eyes turned her love to fear, her hunger for Stevens to sickness, her confidence to ash. She was “Damaged Goods,” his special name for her—and always would be. A fraud, a fake, a whore in disguise. Not a victim of abuse, a participant .
“I’ll make you like it,” Kwon had said.
Lei had never liked it. But she’d endured it, because there was no choice and because he said she was special to him. At nine years old, she’d been so starved for attention that even his abuse had been better than nothing.
She was sick, beyond saving.
She’d be a horrible mother.
Even as these thoughts flickered through her mind, she knew they were old beliefs, old dysfunction. She’d combatted so much with the help of her therapist, Dr. Wilson—but right now it was all too much. Revulsion rose up her throat like bile, and she broke the kiss and stepped back. “I just need a break. Nothing’s wrong. I just need a little space.”
Stevens stayed where he was, one foot on the top step, the other below , hands resting on a black leather belt loaded with sidearm and badge. He wore broken-in jeans, old boots, and a short-sleeved polo shirt she’d given him that brought out his sky-blue eyes.
Those eyes had gone flat and metallic. His dark brows drew down as his mouth thinned out into a hard line. “I’m sick of this, Lei. Really? We’re going to do this again?”
Lei crossed her arms over her thundering heart. “Nothing’ s wrong. I want to really look forward to the honeymoon and to being with you. That’s all.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“You don’t have to. You just have to respect what I’m asking.”
He removed his foot from the step. “Prove it to me. Come here. Kiss me and show me you still love me—that this isn’t about Kwon, some last -minute psycho freak-out. I think I deserve that much before I leave.”
Lei wanted to kiss him , but her feet were rooted to the boards of the old porch. She gulped and tasted bile. “I shouldn’t have to prove I love you like that. This is no big deal.”
“ I think it is. Now I’m worried you’re going to cut and run.”
“I won’t. I promise.” The feeling in her legs unlocked enough for her to lean forward and give him a peck on the lips. “But even if it is about Kwon, I’m marrying you . I just need a little space before the big day.”
“I’ll leave if you call Dr. Wilson. Call her right now.”
“You’re treating me like a child. Calling this a psycho freak-out. Telling me to get ahold of my shrink.” Lei tried to sound angry. The best defense was a good offense, her mother had always said.
“This is all those things—a childish, psycho freak-out—for which you need professional help. You’ve left me twice, and I’m not at all sure three times won’t be the charm.”
Lei felt the precipice of another breakup yawning before them, a severing more terrible than all her conflicted feelings. Losing Stevens was even scarier than Kwon’s eyes,
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