Sex and Drugs and Sausage Rolls by Robert Rankin

you travel in?”
    “Time machine!” Clovis rolled his rosy red’ns again.
    “It’s all done with this.” Tripper displayed the lifespan chronometer on his scrawny wrist. “Porkie will download the program into the chronometer. All I have to do is set the coordinates and the time and date and press ‘send’. Simple as making a telephone call.”
    “What are these coordinates?” Dr Trillby asked.
    “Of the place where I wish to materialize in the past. I can’t just materialize here, can I? Two hours ago the Earth hadn’t reached this spot in space. The coordinates have to be absolutely precise for the journey there and the journey back. Porkie has worked it all out. It’s all in the program.”
    “Porkie thinks of everything,” said Blashford. “But—”
    “No buts,” said Dr Trillby. “How do you download the program, Tripper?”
    “Simple as can be. I just type into my chronometer the words DOWNLOAD TIME TRAVEL PROGRAM and wait thirty seconds.” He did so and they waited. “There,” said Tripper. “I’m on line. So now I type in time and date and projected location.” He did this also. “And I’m ready for the off.”
    “Will you vanish in a puff of smoke?” Clovis asked.
    “Don’t be sarcastic,” Dr Trillby told him. “This is a historic moment.”
    “It won’t work,” said Clovis. “This is all a wind-up.”
    “Ignore him, Tripper,” said Dr Trillby. “Go on, do your stuff”
    “But, sir.” Blashford made pleadings. “Please listen, sir. There is a serious flaw.”
    “Do it, Tripper,” said Dr Trillby.
    And do it Tripper did.
     
    Geraldo paused in his tale and rattled his empty pint glass on the table.
    “Don’t stop,” said Jim. “What happened next?”
    “Well,” said Geraldo, “what do
you
think happened next?”
    Jim thought about this. “That’s a tricky one,” he said. “If he did come back with the newspaper, that would have proved that the past could be changed, so they would have had to abandon the project. But if they had, then you wouldn’t be here. But you are here.
But
according to you, the past
can
be changed …”
    “Go on,” said Geraldo.
    “Well,” Jim continued, “if he
didn’t
come back with the newspaper that would have proved that the past
couldn’t
be changed. So they would have gone ahead with the project. Which they must have done, because otherwise you wouldn’t be here.”
    “But the past can be changed,” said Geraldo.
    “So did he come back with the newspaper, or didn’t he?”
    “Both,” said Geraldo. “Or possibly neither.”
    “Both, or possibly neither?”
    “Things got a little complicated. Allow me to explain. You see, Tripper travelled back into the past and tried to get the newspaper. But the newspaper boy wouldn’t give it to him. In fact he punched Tripper on the nose. So Tripper returns to Institute Tower with a bloody nose and no newspaper. He explains what’s happened and Dr Trillby says he’s a stupid boy and to go back and try again. So Tripper travels back into the past again, making sure that this time he arrives a bit earlier, so he can sneak up on the paper boy from behind. And he’s just doing this when he sees his original self materialize in front of the paper boy.”
    “This is the Tripper who got the bloody nose,” said Jim.
    “That’s right. We’ll call him Tripper number one.”
    “So the other one is Tripper number two.”
    “And so on.”
    “And so on?”
    “Allow me to explain. Tripper number one sees Tripper number two creeping up behind the paper boy and he thinks, Ah, this must be the plan I worked out in case something went wrong. This is myself coming back to tell me not to get the newspaper. So Tripper number one backs off, resets his chronometer and zips into the future. Meanwhile Tripper number two has grabbed the newspaper when the paper boy isn’t looking and is about to zip into the future when Tripper number three arrives on the scene.”
    “Who’s Tripper