think I meant? I lost him in the park? Honestly, Madeleine,” Mrs. Wellington said,
shaking her head. “My portly friend, it’s your turn.”
Theo responded without pause.
“I’m scared of my family dying. Or me dying. Death in general. And along those lines, anything dangerous or worrisome I try
my best to avoid. I think of it as being safety-conscious.”
“For the record, dying doesn’t interest me much either. Sporty?”
“I kick butt at soccer, baseball, and basketball.”
“Dear boy, this isn’t an athletic camp… .”
Garrison sighed, looked at his desk, and whispered, “I’m afraid of water — pools, lakes, rivers, oceans.”
“In 2003 3,306 people died from drowning,” Theo interjected confidently.
“And the young lady rolling her eyes back in her head, what are you afraid of?” Mrs. Wellington asked Lulu.
“I’m claustrophobic, which is a fancy way of saying I’m terrified of confined spaces. Let’s just say I really like windows.”
“I don’t have all confined space statistics, but I know that in 2003, forty-six people died due to cave-ins,” Theo said seriously,
“which is sort of related, since I think the cave-ins happened in small spaces.”
“Why are you sharing all these horrible statistics?” Lulu screamed.
“And why are all your facts from 2003? Don’t you have anything more recent?” Garrison snapped.
“2003 is the latest National Safety Council book my library has,” Theo murmured.
As if oblivious to the quarrel, Mrs. Wellington responded to Lulu’s claustrophobia. “I once got stuck in an elevator for twenty-six
hours. It was so crowded I couldn’t move more than two inches in any direction.”
“Did you use the emergency phone?” Lulu asked.
“Oh, how much you have to learn. Those phones are for decoration, like a painting on a wall or a stop sign in the street,”
Mrs. Wellington said before pausing to remember the traumatic incident. “All sixteen of us thought we were going to die, standing
up, which is not the way you want to go. If ever given a choice, always choose to die lying down. Of course, we didn’t have
this option, since it was so crowded. I must say those twenty-six hours brought us together. We used to meet once a year at
the annual Not Just Yet event, but …”
“The Not Just Yet event?” Lulu asked doubtfully.
“It was a wonderful society of people, bound together by the common experience of almost dying. Most of the members were recruited
following newspaper stories or occasionally even in the emergency room.”
“Excuse me, Mrs. Wellington,” Lulu asked assertively, “what are your credentials?”
“Yes, I am rather curious where you learned this particular curriculum,” Madeleine concurred.
“A beauty queen is always prepared, and that includes knowing her résumé by heart. Now then, I was Miss Teen USA, Miss Massachusetts,
Miss New England, Miss Green County, and of course Miss Summerstone. Didn’t you see the pictures downstairs? I would display
my crowns, but we have had incidents of theft in the past. Mostly Schmidty borrowing them, but still.”
“I meant your credentials to
teach
us!” Lulu said loudly.
“Oh, you silly girl! Teachers don’t need credentials. That’s an old wives’ tale.”
“So you have absolutely no valid credentials to teach us about fears,” Madeleine said in shock.
“I assure you that one doesn’t need credentials for fears when one has a Fearnasium.”
“A what?” Garrison asked.
“A gymnasium for exercising fears.”
“Exercise, whether physical or mental, real or imaginary, is a very important part of the day,” Mrs. Wellington announced
as she unlocked the faded plywood door that led to the Fearnasium.
“Are there treadmills and weights? ’Cause I’d like to stay in good shape while I’m here,” Garrison asked Mrs. Wellington.
“I’m afraid not, Sporty.”
Garrison sighed and looked away as Mrs. Wellington pulled open the
shaking her head. “My portly friend, it’s your turn.”
Theo responded without pause.
“I’m scared of my family dying. Or me dying. Death in general. And along those lines, anything dangerous or worrisome I try
my best to avoid. I think of it as being safety-conscious.”
“For the record, dying doesn’t interest me much either. Sporty?”
“I kick butt at soccer, baseball, and basketball.”
“Dear boy, this isn’t an athletic camp… .”
Garrison sighed, looked at his desk, and whispered, “I’m afraid of water — pools, lakes, rivers, oceans.”
“In 2003 3,306 people died from drowning,” Theo interjected confidently.
“And the young lady rolling her eyes back in her head, what are you afraid of?” Mrs. Wellington asked Lulu.
“I’m claustrophobic, which is a fancy way of saying I’m terrified of confined spaces. Let’s just say I really like windows.”
“I don’t have all confined space statistics, but I know that in 2003, forty-six people died due to cave-ins,” Theo said seriously,
“which is sort of related, since I think the cave-ins happened in small spaces.”
“Why are you sharing all these horrible statistics?” Lulu screamed.
“And why are all your facts from 2003? Don’t you have anything more recent?” Garrison snapped.
“2003 is the latest National Safety Council book my library has,” Theo murmured.
As if oblivious to the quarrel, Mrs. Wellington responded to Lulu’s claustrophobia. “I once got stuck in an elevator for twenty-six
hours. It was so crowded I couldn’t move more than two inches in any direction.”
“Did you use the emergency phone?” Lulu asked.
“Oh, how much you have to learn. Those phones are for decoration, like a painting on a wall or a stop sign in the street,”
Mrs. Wellington said before pausing to remember the traumatic incident. “All sixteen of us thought we were going to die, standing
up, which is not the way you want to go. If ever given a choice, always choose to die lying down. Of course, we didn’t have
this option, since it was so crowded. I must say those twenty-six hours brought us together. We used to meet once a year at
the annual Not Just Yet event, but …”
“The Not Just Yet event?” Lulu asked doubtfully.
“It was a wonderful society of people, bound together by the common experience of almost dying. Most of the members were recruited
following newspaper stories or occasionally even in the emergency room.”
“Excuse me, Mrs. Wellington,” Lulu asked assertively, “what are your credentials?”
“Yes, I am rather curious where you learned this particular curriculum,” Madeleine concurred.
“A beauty queen is always prepared, and that includes knowing her résumé by heart. Now then, I was Miss Teen USA, Miss Massachusetts,
Miss New England, Miss Green County, and of course Miss Summerstone. Didn’t you see the pictures downstairs? I would display
my crowns, but we have had incidents of theft in the past. Mostly Schmidty borrowing them, but still.”
“I meant your credentials to
teach
us!” Lulu said loudly.
“Oh, you silly girl! Teachers don’t need credentials. That’s an old wives’ tale.”
“So you have absolutely no valid credentials to teach us about fears,” Madeleine said in shock.
“I assure you that one doesn’t need credentials for fears when one has a Fearnasium.”
“A what?” Garrison asked.
“A gymnasium for exercising fears.”
“Exercise, whether physical or mental, real or imaginary, is a very important part of the day,” Mrs. Wellington announced
as she unlocked the faded plywood door that led to the Fearnasium.
“Are there treadmills and weights? ’Cause I’d like to stay in good shape while I’m here,” Garrison asked Mrs. Wellington.
“I’m afraid not, Sporty.”
Garrison sighed and looked away as Mrs. Wellington pulled open the
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