Saying Goodbye by G.A. Hauser

seemed always guarded, maybe angry at Steve for getting Mark to marry him. Not now.
    “I just wanted that fucker to devour me.” Jack echoed Steve’s thoughts. “ He fucked porn stars, tattooed bikers … Jesus Christ.”
    Steve shifted on the chair, not wanting the thought to give him an erection. “I know.”
    Jack sipped the coffee and met Steve’s gaze. “Like , if I had one night to do it, I’d see it was no big deal, and that would be it.”
    Steve let out a low chuckle but did not say what he was thinking, since it was exactly what Jack was thinking.
    “But … we’re married men.” Jack looked out of the window again. “And even with these rings,” he held his up, “we have quite an open relationship, us four.”
    Steve nodded. He could not disagree.
    “And there’s Mark and Billy to consider. Not even counting Adam’s feelings.” Jack blew on the coffee. “So? I’m pining over a pipe dream, and the reality of Alex in bed may never meet my expectations.”
    Steve rubbed his rough jaw.
    “All we’ve succeeded in doing is making Mark miserable.”
    “He’s so fucking smart. I sometimes think of him like he’s a dumb b imbo since he’s so pretty, but that’s so pathetic . So much underestimating Mark’s intelligence and intuitiveness.”
    “The guy was an honor student at Stanford. Four-Oh, Steve. He’s brilliant. Don’t mistake his self-doubt for stupidity.”
    Steve nodded again, staring into his cold coffee cup. “I’m the stupid one. Fucking military, being a cop … lucky to get the job at Parsons. He’s so far above me, it’s sad. Like, he can do so much better than me. I should be grateful.” Steve made a noise in his throat. “I am grateful. I look at him sleeping beside me knowing every fucker in the world wishes they were me.”
    He felt a touch to his cheek. Steve looked up and met Jack’s smile. “He adores you. So much.”
    “And you. You were his rock. It’s like each of us gives Mark what he needs in some way.”
    Jack went back to sipping his coffee, staring out of the window as the sun began brightening up the landscape.
    “What do we do now?” Steve asked.
    “I think the Randy Dawson thing is our biggest obstacle.”
    Steve clenched his fists.
    Jack pointed to the act. “That. Right there.”
    Steve began to huff for breath as his temper rose.
    Jack shook his head. “You gotta get the fuck over it. If you don’t, you won’t let Mark. And he’s the one who got fucked.”
    Steve went crazy and threw the mug against a wall, smashing it.
    “Steve.” Jack reached for his forearm.
    Steve was breathing fire. “How?” He clenched every muscle in his body. “How do I get over it without killing him?”
    “For Mark. You have to. You know I feel the same way. Adam is livid. He kept up the ‘oh, the guy is straight’ bullshit, and now feels betrayed.”
    Steve fought to calm down, imagining tearing things apart. He kept clenching his fists.
    “Imagine if Billy found out?” Jack whispered.
    Steve met Jack’s gaze immediately. “Why would Billy care?”
    “Come on.” Jack made a sarcastic noise and sipped his coffee.
    Steve grabbed Jack’s shirt over the table, and dragged Jack closer. He snarled, “Why would Billy care if Mark fucked Randy?”
    Jack shoved Steve’s hands off his shirt and shook his head. “You’re right. You are the stupid one.” Jack stood and left the room.
    Steve looked at the broken mug he had thrown and covered his face in agony.
    ~
    Billy had the day off. He was a captain. He could decide his shift hours. And they were Monday through Friday.
    He slept until seven, checked to see if Alex was on line, and then changed into his running outfit. In a pair of gym shorts and a T-shirt, Billy sat on his front stoop and tied his running shoes, pocketing his key, and stretching his arms over his head. He took off at a slow plod to warm up , and though it was chilly for the early California morning, he knew his workout would heat him up