Chapter 1 New Beginnings
Since my divorce, I've felt lost. The marriage lasted five years and the last three years were very lifeless for me. My ex-husband, Joey, became so predictable to me. I knew what he'd say as we watched various tv shows, how he'd react to the comments of the judges on American Idol, what he'd order when we went out to the Chestnut Diner for a weekend meal and exactly the way he'd cut off the phone calls with his mom abruptly. I hated to see him as mechanical, but he appeared that way to me. I also know that I had my own boring routines, mannerisms and habitual forms of behavior. But, that was only in rare moments of self-honesty. Generally, I blamed him for why our lives were dull and I thought Joey was very inflexible. Why did he get so tired after work all the time? Couldn't we at least get to a Starbucks or cafe during the week?
We were only in our twenties, but I was worried that we'd be buried alive by our repeated patterns. Sure, we jogged and we didn't use walkers, but I felt that we were similar to my Aunt Ray and Uncle Tom who were in their 80s. How could our lives have become so encrusted? I was able to mentally anticipate how Joey would answer most things I asked him. I grew tired of our love making during last three years because each time was so similar. We would try to spice things up at times. It didn't seem to help, because despite all the variations, my heart was not in it. I was adding lingerie, changing fragrances and using new toys but things were still flat. The passion wasn't there for me and using candles, perfumes and wine wasn't the answer. Passion can't be stimulated by something external but has to flow from the magical connection between two people.
The spark wasn't really very strong between us even at the beginning when I was twenty and Joey was twenty four. I was very security focused and Joey helped me to feel safe. He had his own business where he would repair computers and had no financial stress. People freak out when there are problems with the computer due to viruses or adware. Joey could fix the problems that appeared due to teenagers picking up malware when surfing game sites or someone in the family watching porn. He helped me financially with my tuition for my last two years of college. My parents felt that my brother and I should put ourselves through college on our own and I wouldn't have finished my education otherwise. This really is awful, to want security at such a young age. I know it wasn't fair to him, since he was a nice guy. I knew financial stability was not a good reason to stay married, but I was scared.
I felt guilty because I had some fantasies about my creative writing professor during the first year Joey paid for my schooling. I had an appointment with my teacher to review my short story and I kept imaging that his thumb was caressing my clit. My professor, Dr. Raskin, was in his forties and was not being flirtatious. But, the mastery of his words and his gentle guidance created an inner craving inside me. This surprised me because guys in their forties usually seemed too old for me. Nothing romantic happened between us, but I felt a joy inside that my life could have vibrancy once again.
I wasn't frozen, but just in a rut. The command of language, his ability to refine and improve my writing and the intelligence was such a turn on. I didn't feel around Joey that I could rely on him for this type of intellectual and creative connection. My sexuality then went underground and was repressed again, but I knew that the seed was planted there and could be reactivated . This meeting with Dr. Raskin happened after things were deteriorating with Joey. But, I buried that strong arousal and continued in my lifeless marriage a bit longer. At the time, I knew that Dr. Raskin's touch would send me soaring and beyond my ordinary boundaries.
Now, the divorce was finalized and I kept wondering why my life was in this predicament. What happened
Since my divorce, I've felt lost. The marriage lasted five years and the last three years were very lifeless for me. My ex-husband, Joey, became so predictable to me. I knew what he'd say as we watched various tv shows, how he'd react to the comments of the judges on American Idol, what he'd order when we went out to the Chestnut Diner for a weekend meal and exactly the way he'd cut off the phone calls with his mom abruptly. I hated to see him as mechanical, but he appeared that way to me. I also know that I had my own boring routines, mannerisms and habitual forms of behavior. But, that was only in rare moments of self-honesty. Generally, I blamed him for why our lives were dull and I thought Joey was very inflexible. Why did he get so tired after work all the time? Couldn't we at least get to a Starbucks or cafe during the week?
We were only in our twenties, but I was worried that we'd be buried alive by our repeated patterns. Sure, we jogged and we didn't use walkers, but I felt that we were similar to my Aunt Ray and Uncle Tom who were in their 80s. How could our lives have become so encrusted? I was able to mentally anticipate how Joey would answer most things I asked him. I grew tired of our love making during last three years because each time was so similar. We would try to spice things up at times. It didn't seem to help, because despite all the variations, my heart was not in it. I was adding lingerie, changing fragrances and using new toys but things were still flat. The passion wasn't there for me and using candles, perfumes and wine wasn't the answer. Passion can't be stimulated by something external but has to flow from the magical connection between two people.
The spark wasn't really very strong between us even at the beginning when I was twenty and Joey was twenty four. I was very security focused and Joey helped me to feel safe. He had his own business where he would repair computers and had no financial stress. People freak out when there are problems with the computer due to viruses or adware. Joey could fix the problems that appeared due to teenagers picking up malware when surfing game sites or someone in the family watching porn. He helped me financially with my tuition for my last two years of college. My parents felt that my brother and I should put ourselves through college on our own and I wouldn't have finished my education otherwise. This really is awful, to want security at such a young age. I know it wasn't fair to him, since he was a nice guy. I knew financial stability was not a good reason to stay married, but I was scared.
I felt guilty because I had some fantasies about my creative writing professor during the first year Joey paid for my schooling. I had an appointment with my teacher to review my short story and I kept imaging that his thumb was caressing my clit. My professor, Dr. Raskin, was in his forties and was not being flirtatious. But, the mastery of his words and his gentle guidance created an inner craving inside me. This surprised me because guys in their forties usually seemed too old for me. Nothing romantic happened between us, but I felt a joy inside that my life could have vibrancy once again.
I wasn't frozen, but just in a rut. The command of language, his ability to refine and improve my writing and the intelligence was such a turn on. I didn't feel around Joey that I could rely on him for this type of intellectual and creative connection. My sexuality then went underground and was repressed again, but I knew that the seed was planted there and could be reactivated . This meeting with Dr. Raskin happened after things were deteriorating with Joey. But, I buried that strong arousal and continued in my lifeless marriage a bit longer. At the time, I knew that Dr. Raskin's touch would send me soaring and beyond my ordinary boundaries.
Now, the divorce was finalized and I kept wondering why my life was in this predicament. What happened
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