Rules for Ghosting by A. J. Paquette

quickly, but Party Zombie Mom had one last parting shot.
    â€œThose mover fellows who came with our stuff,” she said. “One was particularly helpful—Beano, I believe his name was? Send him over as well. Our fix-it man is extraordinarily elusive. Not that there isn’t enough to do around this place! But I could use a hand with some of the smaller chores.”
    Jock Rutabartle fled down the steps, waving a token goodbye over his shoulder. It was a good thing for him too, Oliver thought with a grin, because as his car door slammed and theengine started up, Mom was yelling, “Oh, wait! One more thing!”
    The engine squealed and Rutabartle shot out of the driveway.
    Mom sighed. “Never mind, we can make do for now, I suppose.” She turned and focused her laser gaze on Oliver. “Aha,” she said, and Oliver’s heart sank. She had that look in her eye.
    â€œMom,” he said quickly. “There’s something really important I need to tell you about that guy—”
    But Mom had turned her attention to the letter Rutabartle had given her. She tossed aside what was left of its envelope and frowned over its contents. She looked back up at Oliver. “That Rutabartle’s a strange one, isn’t he? In any case, if we expect prompt service we’ll have to give it in return as well. You can be in charge of making sure this checklist is filled out by the end of the day. Get Poppy’s help on it if you like. And when that’s done, I want you both to report back to me. There are plenty of tasks that need to be done. It’s going to be the party of the century!” Her eyes glazed over again. “How magnificent it’s going to be!”
    â€œBut Mom, I really—”
    Mom wasn’t listening. She thrust the paper at Oliver and whirled off down the hallway toward the kitchen, dusting as she went.
    Oliver ground his teeth. Not only had he not gotten to tellher about Wiley, now he was stuck with chores. With a groan, he unfolded the paper in his hand. He read the title—
what?
—he must have misread. But no, he read it again: NORMALCY QUESTIONNAIRE.
    What on earth?
    NORMALCY QUESTIONNAIRE
    Name:_________________________________________________
    Address:_______________________________________________
    Assigned by: Jock Rutabartle, Town Commissioner
    How many children reside in the household?
    Describe each child’s age, interests, and favorite pastimes.
    _______________________________________________________
    _______________________________________________________
    How often do children in the household engage in the following “normal” activities?
    a. Hopscotch
    b. Tic-tac-toe
    c. Video games
    d. Legos or other construction toys
    e. Other:_____________________________
    There was more—quite a lot more, and Oliver pored over every idiotic line. He turned the page over. On the back was an additional note:
    HELPFUL SUGGESTIONS
    Looking for a way to add more “normal” to your life? Want to learn how to blend in with the crowd? Follow these easy action steps and you’ll be cruising with the rest of the world in no time.
    1.
Don’t make eye contact
. Interacting with those around you is the surest way to risk standing out. Keeping your eyes cast down, hands by your sides, is a much better way to adopt a perfectly ordinary stance.
    2.
Avoid sudden movements
. A slow, steady pace is the way to go! No dashing or jumping or jerking about. If you want to truly be …
    Oliver couldn’t stand to read another gag-worthy word. He fought the urge to rip the paper into shreds, dig a deep hole, and bury it where it would never be found. But Mom had asked him to fill it out, and there was no way she would listen to him about Wiley until then. He also
still
hadn’t made any progress on figuring out how they were going to stay in the house.
    He set off for the circular staircase. It was time for him and Poppy to