Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures by Ayala Malach Pines
Authors: Ayala Malach Pines
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monitored her telephone calls, examined her purse, and berated her until she knelt at his feet and begged him to trust her. During the course of treatment it became apparent that the man's accusations didn't fit his wife-but did fit his mother.
The mother was an alcoholic; as an adolescent lie had to bring her home on several occasions because she was too drunk to get home on her own. She had worked as a waitress and fraternized with various unsavory customers.
Having noticed these discrepancies, the therapists pursued the matter further until the man recalled a memory that carried a great emotional charge. When he was 12 years old he had returned home unexpectedly early one clay and found his mother having sex with a strange man. He had not said a thing about it, even though his mother's affairs became the subject of violent arguments between his parents. It had left him feeling bitter resentment toward his mother and guilty disloyalty toward his father.
In the second case, a couple who had been married for two years sought treatment after the husband became enraged by his wife's suspected infidelities. lie had been drinking heavily and had become physically abusive. The husband's suspiciousness had plagued the couple's relationship almost from the start. The wife had learned to be extremely cautious in her interactions with other men. At parties she could only be with her husband or with other women, never with other men. lie needed to know her whereabouts at all times.
In the course of treatment the therapists noticed again that the man accused his wife of things that were not true of her, but were true of his mother, such as gross negligence in her household duties. This led them to pursue the question of the mother's sexual activities. The husband remembered that when he was a young teenager, he had seen his mother at a neighborhood tavern with other men. On one occasion he had come home and seen her having sex with one of those men. He had not told his father, but from that time on had tried to cut himself ofl emotionally from his mother.
In the third case, too, the husband was convinced that his faithful wife was having affairs. Once again it came out that when he was 14 years old, he had returned home one day after having been sent shopping by his mother, and had found her having sex with a strange man.
From Freud's perspective (1922/1955), it's obvious why a mother's sexual infidelity would have such a traumatic effect, especially when it happens in early adolescence-a period characterized by an Oedipal resurgence. As the mother has demonstrated that she can be sexually available to someone other than the father, the adolescent experiences a marked intensification of Oedipal fantasies and drive toward their fulfillment. However, while the mother appears to be more sexually available to the boy, she is not. Her promiscuity constitutes, in effect, a tease.
The trauma can also explain the aggression that at times accompanies jealousy in these cases. Docherty and Ellis (1976) explain:
The rage that the son feels for being second best in the Oedipal situation is exacerbated in a more serious, profound, and damaging way. Now he is not only second best to his father but to a strange man who has no valid claim on his mother at all.
By cuckolding the lather, the mother makes him second best. Thus the son is unable to use identification Willi the father to achieve preeminence. I IC is doomed unalterably to second-rate status" (p. 681).
It is significant that all three men described their fathers as hardworking, long-suffering, and passive. We can add to the list Sam's description of his father as passive, weak, and impotent.
It is not necessary for the adolescent boy actually to witness his mother engaged in sexual intercourse for the trauma to occur. Finding out about her infidelity (the way Sam did) or seeing her acting openly flirtatious with other men can be enough.
The rage the boy experiences upon discovering
The mother was an alcoholic; as an adolescent lie had to bring her home on several occasions because she was too drunk to get home on her own. She had worked as a waitress and fraternized with various unsavory customers.
Having noticed these discrepancies, the therapists pursued the matter further until the man recalled a memory that carried a great emotional charge. When he was 12 years old he had returned home unexpectedly early one clay and found his mother having sex with a strange man. He had not said a thing about it, even though his mother's affairs became the subject of violent arguments between his parents. It had left him feeling bitter resentment toward his mother and guilty disloyalty toward his father.
In the second case, a couple who had been married for two years sought treatment after the husband became enraged by his wife's suspected infidelities. lie had been drinking heavily and had become physically abusive. The husband's suspiciousness had plagued the couple's relationship almost from the start. The wife had learned to be extremely cautious in her interactions with other men. At parties she could only be with her husband or with other women, never with other men. lie needed to know her whereabouts at all times.
In the course of treatment the therapists noticed again that the man accused his wife of things that were not true of her, but were true of his mother, such as gross negligence in her household duties. This led them to pursue the question of the mother's sexual activities. The husband remembered that when he was a young teenager, he had seen his mother at a neighborhood tavern with other men. On one occasion he had come home and seen her having sex with one of those men. He had not told his father, but from that time on had tried to cut himself ofl emotionally from his mother.
In the third case, too, the husband was convinced that his faithful wife was having affairs. Once again it came out that when he was 14 years old, he had returned home one day after having been sent shopping by his mother, and had found her having sex with a strange man.
From Freud's perspective (1922/1955), it's obvious why a mother's sexual infidelity would have such a traumatic effect, especially when it happens in early adolescence-a period characterized by an Oedipal resurgence. As the mother has demonstrated that she can be sexually available to someone other than the father, the adolescent experiences a marked intensification of Oedipal fantasies and drive toward their fulfillment. However, while the mother appears to be more sexually available to the boy, she is not. Her promiscuity constitutes, in effect, a tease.
The trauma can also explain the aggression that at times accompanies jealousy in these cases. Docherty and Ellis (1976) explain:
The rage that the son feels for being second best in the Oedipal situation is exacerbated in a more serious, profound, and damaging way. Now he is not only second best to his father but to a strange man who has no valid claim on his mother at all.
By cuckolding the lather, the mother makes him second best. Thus the son is unable to use identification Willi the father to achieve preeminence. I IC is doomed unalterably to second-rate status" (p. 681).
It is significant that all three men described their fathers as hardworking, long-suffering, and passive. We can add to the list Sam's description of his father as passive, weak, and impotent.
It is not necessary for the adolescent boy actually to witness his mother engaged in sexual intercourse for the trauma to occur. Finding out about her infidelity (the way Sam did) or seeing her acting openly flirtatious with other men can be enough.
The rage the boy experiences upon discovering
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