Riotous Retirement by Brian Robertson, Ron Smallwood
Authors: Brian Robertson, Ron Smallwood
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arrived with a large ute, a power saw and a young lad one Sunday afternoon, when they knew Helga or anyone else would not interrupt them. The tree was removed effortlessly.
Helga had a fit at the Monday meeting about a week later, after it was brought to her notice that the tree was no longer there.
“That should have been a decision of the Body Corporate Committee; we have forms and protocols and I should have been notified!” Helga thumped her desk. “Alex, didn’t you tell her that she would have to fill in the Garden Alteration 1 form and make a request for an action such as that?”
“Well, look at it this way, Helga, it’s done now,” Alex said, ignoring the question, “and at least the village did not have to pay for its removal.”
“She did that deliberately, didn’t she?”
“That is a possibility,” Alex replied, seemingly talking to his feet.
The following week Helga was taking her usual walk around the village. She would undertake this informal inspection whenever she could spare an hour or so just to see that the place was being kept up to scratch, the gardeners and the caretaker were doing their jobs and what new tasks might require some attention. The new villas had not been selling very well and management had been on her back about how the village was being presented.
As Helga passed the newest villas her stress levels rose just a little as she was reminded again how many were yet to be sold. Some had been sold of course and she also noted how the proud new owners had been adding to the attractiveness of the gardens with a few tasteful new plantings. Nothing ostentatious of course, all low maintenance and all approved by the Body Corporate Committee using the GA1 form.
She was about to return to the office when a flash of bright colour caught her eye from a corner of one of the new gardens. She walked towards the bright object.
“It’s a bloody gnome!” she said out loud although there was no one else there to hear her.
Helga knew that if ever there was anything that would lower the tone it was garden gnomes. This was a thing of nightmares for Helga. She’d had a recurring dream about standing at the doorway of the most expensive new villa, a potential new resident, a wealthy lady, about to commit and seeing the eager expression on the lady’s face change to sheer horror as she looked towards the garden. Helga turns round to see what she is looking at and there they are, hundreds of them, a brilliantly coloured army of gnomes, red, green, pink and mauve, all moving about the garden. Some are pushing barrows loaded with weeds or gravel, some are fishing in the flower beds, some are digging and some are just standing around with friends, smoke curling up into the air from long-stemmed clay pipes as they converse with each other.
Helga would wake up gasping, glad to know it had all been a dream and very thankful that she had been able to keep all gnomes at bay in Burnside retirement village. Just let a couple in and they breed like fury, she thought.
She grabbed the little fellow and knocked on the door. There was no reply so she marched back to the office, gnome in custody, determined to nip this in the bud. The next day she sent a notice to all residents.
Gnome Policy
As you may know we try to present Burnside Retirement Village as an upmarket area for a discerning clientele who appreciate living in an exclusive area. Keeping our village to this standard benefits us all and increases the market value of all our properties.
Front garden Gnomes, which may be appreciated by some, do not add to the exclusivity, increase the real estate values or indeed increase the visual appeal of the area.
Gnomes in gardens are not encouraged under any circumstances but, as with any other decoration or unusual structure intended as part of the gardenscape, application to the Body Corporate Committee must be made on form GA2 (Gnomes Addition 2) available from this office.
The M anager.
Now the
Helga had a fit at the Monday meeting about a week later, after it was brought to her notice that the tree was no longer there.
“That should have been a decision of the Body Corporate Committee; we have forms and protocols and I should have been notified!” Helga thumped her desk. “Alex, didn’t you tell her that she would have to fill in the Garden Alteration 1 form and make a request for an action such as that?”
“Well, look at it this way, Helga, it’s done now,” Alex said, ignoring the question, “and at least the village did not have to pay for its removal.”
“She did that deliberately, didn’t she?”
“That is a possibility,” Alex replied, seemingly talking to his feet.
The following week Helga was taking her usual walk around the village. She would undertake this informal inspection whenever she could spare an hour or so just to see that the place was being kept up to scratch, the gardeners and the caretaker were doing their jobs and what new tasks might require some attention. The new villas had not been selling very well and management had been on her back about how the village was being presented.
As Helga passed the newest villas her stress levels rose just a little as she was reminded again how many were yet to be sold. Some had been sold of course and she also noted how the proud new owners had been adding to the attractiveness of the gardens with a few tasteful new plantings. Nothing ostentatious of course, all low maintenance and all approved by the Body Corporate Committee using the GA1 form.
She was about to return to the office when a flash of bright colour caught her eye from a corner of one of the new gardens. She walked towards the bright object.
“It’s a bloody gnome!” she said out loud although there was no one else there to hear her.
Helga knew that if ever there was anything that would lower the tone it was garden gnomes. This was a thing of nightmares for Helga. She’d had a recurring dream about standing at the doorway of the most expensive new villa, a potential new resident, a wealthy lady, about to commit and seeing the eager expression on the lady’s face change to sheer horror as she looked towards the garden. Helga turns round to see what she is looking at and there they are, hundreds of them, a brilliantly coloured army of gnomes, red, green, pink and mauve, all moving about the garden. Some are pushing barrows loaded with weeds or gravel, some are fishing in the flower beds, some are digging and some are just standing around with friends, smoke curling up into the air from long-stemmed clay pipes as they converse with each other.
Helga would wake up gasping, glad to know it had all been a dream and very thankful that she had been able to keep all gnomes at bay in Burnside retirement village. Just let a couple in and they breed like fury, she thought.
She grabbed the little fellow and knocked on the door. There was no reply so she marched back to the office, gnome in custody, determined to nip this in the bud. The next day she sent a notice to all residents.
Gnome Policy
As you may know we try to present Burnside Retirement Village as an upmarket area for a discerning clientele who appreciate living in an exclusive area. Keeping our village to this standard benefits us all and increases the market value of all our properties.
Front garden Gnomes, which may be appreciated by some, do not add to the exclusivity, increase the real estate values or indeed increase the visual appeal of the area.
Gnomes in gardens are not encouraged under any circumstances but, as with any other decoration or unusual structure intended as part of the gardenscape, application to the Body Corporate Committee must be made on form GA2 (Gnomes Addition 2) available from this office.
The M anager.
Now the
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