I’ve never seen one like that before, even in Florida or Costa Rica.”
“Well, that’s why we needed my platypus friend. He would have gobbled it up like a super-sized Happy Meal.”
“Well,” I said, “remember that spider web you had me knock down last week? He might have nabbed him.”
“Oh please, this bug was a monster. That mini-spider would have said, ‘What, are you crazy? He’s all yours, guys.’ ”
“You never know,” I said. “He might have seen it as a challenge. A spider is cunning.”
“That would have to be one helluva spider” Ashley said, “and I’m not talking Charlotte.”
“Yeah,” I said, “maybe a team of spiders could have gotten Mr. Jumbo bug.”
“OK, I’m with you, like they join forces and go after the really big bugs.”
“Well, why stop with bugs?” I said. “They could have even larger blue-sky aspirations, right?”
“Sure, they just need a spider leader who gets them spinning one collective massive web.”
“Yeah, and the leader would say, ‘We’re going big time, guys. We’re gunning for small dogs, bratty little kids. We’re gonna bag the old crabby lady out in her garden.’ ”
Ashley broke out laughing, and it made me feel good.
“You know that stupid job interview question,” she said, “I’ve never been asked it, but the one where they ask, ‘If you were an animal, what kind of animal would you be?’ ”
“Yeah,” I said, holding her close.
“I’d say a spider.”
“Well a spider’s not an animal.”
“It’s a stupid question,” she said, “so I’d ask for some leeway.”
“I got you,” I said, “so, you were saying—”
“I might not tell him that I’d bag old ladies, but I’d say, ‘I’d be a spider.’ And he would look at me funny, but nod for me to go on, so I’d continue, ‘Because I’m a leader, a team builder, and a visionary. I’d persuade other spiders to join the cause. We’d build a web that was the spider version of the Great Wall of China, and we’d go for broke. No ambition is too high. We’d get our feet wet with raccoons and squirrels, just to get the kinks out, and then, you name it: coyotes, pit bulls, pot-bellied pigs, wild bores, we’d bag them all. What do you think?”
“Mrs. Martens,” I said, “in all my years of asking that question, I’ve never heard such a thoughtful and outside-the-box answer. We need a young go-getter like you running our team. You’re hired. When can you start?”
Ashley laughed and held me tight.
Yeah, I thought to myself, you’d say all that with your tits upfront, and your pearly white smile, and you’d land the job on the spot. Me, if I ever said that in a job interview, I’d be taken out by security and blacklisted.
CHAPTER NINE
“I think I’m going to grab a drink with Tamara tonight.”
Ashley might as well have just kicked me in the balls, when she told me that as I sat in my office the next afternoon.
“That’s cool,” I said, “so will you still want dinner when you come home? Should I make something?”
“No, we’ll get a bite to eat, I’m sure. I can call you later in case you want to meet up with us.”
I wasn’t sure if that was even a real invitation, but I couldn’t imagine why she would think I’d “want” to meet up with Tamara.
“Well,” I said, “I’ll probably stay in. I have some work to do and it’s Yankees-Mariners tonight.”
Goddamnit , I thought, as I said, “Have fun” and hung up the phone. What the fuck would Ashley be telling Tamara tonight? I started pacing, first in my office and then later at home. I knew they talked at work and went to lunch together, but now I pictured them toasting over margaritas and having closer one-on-one time.
“Really?” Tamara would exclaim, smiling, “so you told Dave the truth about what happened at the party?”
“Yeah, I came
“Well, that’s why we needed my platypus friend. He would have gobbled it up like a super-sized Happy Meal.”
“Well,” I said, “remember that spider web you had me knock down last week? He might have nabbed him.”
“Oh please, this bug was a monster. That mini-spider would have said, ‘What, are you crazy? He’s all yours, guys.’ ”
“You never know,” I said. “He might have seen it as a challenge. A spider is cunning.”
“That would have to be one helluva spider” Ashley said, “and I’m not talking Charlotte.”
“Yeah,” I said, “maybe a team of spiders could have gotten Mr. Jumbo bug.”
“OK, I’m with you, like they join forces and go after the really big bugs.”
“Well, why stop with bugs?” I said. “They could have even larger blue-sky aspirations, right?”
“Sure, they just need a spider leader who gets them spinning one collective massive web.”
“Yeah, and the leader would say, ‘We’re going big time, guys. We’re gunning for small dogs, bratty little kids. We’re gonna bag the old crabby lady out in her garden.’ ”
Ashley broke out laughing, and it made me feel good.
“You know that stupid job interview question,” she said, “I’ve never been asked it, but the one where they ask, ‘If you were an animal, what kind of animal would you be?’ ”
“Yeah,” I said, holding her close.
“I’d say a spider.”
“Well a spider’s not an animal.”
“It’s a stupid question,” she said, “so I’d ask for some leeway.”
“I got you,” I said, “so, you were saying—”
“I might not tell him that I’d bag old ladies, but I’d say, ‘I’d be a spider.’ And he would look at me funny, but nod for me to go on, so I’d continue, ‘Because I’m a leader, a team builder, and a visionary. I’d persuade other spiders to join the cause. We’d build a web that was the spider version of the Great Wall of China, and we’d go for broke. No ambition is too high. We’d get our feet wet with raccoons and squirrels, just to get the kinks out, and then, you name it: coyotes, pit bulls, pot-bellied pigs, wild bores, we’d bag them all. What do you think?”
“Mrs. Martens,” I said, “in all my years of asking that question, I’ve never heard such a thoughtful and outside-the-box answer. We need a young go-getter like you running our team. You’re hired. When can you start?”
Ashley laughed and held me tight.
Yeah, I thought to myself, you’d say all that with your tits upfront, and your pearly white smile, and you’d land the job on the spot. Me, if I ever said that in a job interview, I’d be taken out by security and blacklisted.
CHAPTER NINE
“I think I’m going to grab a drink with Tamara tonight.”
Ashley might as well have just kicked me in the balls, when she told me that as I sat in my office the next afternoon.
“That’s cool,” I said, “so will you still want dinner when you come home? Should I make something?”
“No, we’ll get a bite to eat, I’m sure. I can call you later in case you want to meet up with us.”
I wasn’t sure if that was even a real invitation, but I couldn’t imagine why she would think I’d “want” to meet up with Tamara.
“Well,” I said, “I’ll probably stay in. I have some work to do and it’s Yankees-Mariners tonight.”
Goddamnit , I thought, as I said, “Have fun” and hung up the phone. What the fuck would Ashley be telling Tamara tonight? I started pacing, first in my office and then later at home. I knew they talked at work and went to lunch together, but now I pictured them toasting over margaritas and having closer one-on-one time.
“Really?” Tamara would exclaim, smiling, “so you told Dave the truth about what happened at the party?”
“Yeah, I came
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