Redneck Tale - Naughty Shorts by Hennessee Andrews Page B

shook her head. “She picked a fine time to
elope and run off. No matter, you’re here and we’re going to have
one heck of a hootenanny.”
    “ Hootenanny?”
    “ Yeah, big shindig,” she
said and waved her hands like I was the crazy one. “Y’all don’t
have big shindigs in the city?”
    “ Yes, we do. I just—” I
paused. We don’t call them hootenannies or shindigs though. I
didn’t want to sound stuck up, so I didn’t bother to finish what
I’d been asking. I was without a doubt way out of my element and
really beginning to reconsider agreeing to this.
    Inside, cool air blew, but it leaned
on the humid side. A rumbling squeal echoed throughout. “What’s
that noise?”
    “ Noise?” Aunt Sadie asked
and scrunched up her brows. “Oh!” she said at once and laughed.
“That’s just the swamp cooler.”
    I was afraid to ask, so I continued to
follow her down a hallway to a bedroom.
    “ You’re gonna love this!”
Aunt Sadie sounded proud as she opened a closet and pulled out the
most god awful, prison orange dress. “Well? What do ya think?
Hunter orange!”
    My heart stopped momentarily and I
fought to smile. “Yeah, I mean… Wow, that’s some dress.” I nodded.
“Camo and hunter orange. Can’t have one without the other.
Right?”
    “ I knew you’d love it!” she
said and handed it to me. “Well, try it on, hun. I’ll go get you a
glass of tea.”
    After Sadie left I frowned and sighed.
I’ve worn a lot of crappy dresses, but this one would go down in
the record books as being the worst. Does anyone look good in
orange anyway? Besides criminals? On the brighter side, it was a
size 6. I quickly undressed and stepped into the strapless dress
from hell. On the opposite wall was a mirror, but I was too afraid
to look.
    “ Oh, my,” Aunt Sadie said
as she entered and sat down the glass of tea on a dresser. “Orange
is your color. Let me zip that up for ya.”
    I turned and held up my long brown
hair. Sadie zipped it up and I nearly lost my breath. I’m pretty
chesty in the front. Apparently the other bridesmaid wasn’t. My
boobs more than filled the average cups and spilled over the top.
“Um, it’s pretty tight in the chest.”
    “ Nah, that’s how it's
s’pose to fit,” she said and beamed. “What I wouldn’t give to have
a rack like that.”
    My cheeks heated up. How in the hell
was this woman related to me? I knew she was supposed to be my
mother’s sister, but I had my doubts. The two were as different as
night and day. My mom leaned on the sophisticated side and didn’t
use words like hootenanny or shindig. They did look a lot alike,
minus the Tammy Faye Bakker eyeshadow and mascara, that is. My
mother said Sadie met my Uncle Jimmy on spring break, got knocked
up, quit college, and completely embraced hillbilly living. I
understand my grandparents weren’t pleased. That may be why I’d
rarely seen her.
    “ Won’t you be the belle of
the ball? Yep, you’ll have plenty of beaus chasing you around, I
suspect. Who knows? You may meet Mr. Right.”
    “ I sort of doubt that,” I
said and finally turned to look in the mirror. “I’m not the
marrying kind. I enjoy my independence.”
    “ That’ll all change when
you meet the man that turns your stomach inside out. I said the
same thing before I met Jimmy,” she said and grinned as if
reminiscing.
    Dear god, if Jimmy turned her stomach
inside out, she had issues. I stared at my pathetic reflection and
reminded myself that I’d only be here for a couple of days. Surely
two days in Redneckville wouldn’t kill me? I mean, I’ve survived
worse. But still, orange wasn’t my color, and this dress screamed
to be burned in a pit, along with the hog.
    Satisfied the dress fit just fine,
Aunt Sadie ushered me out the front door after I changed. “You
simply must see the woods all decorated up.”
    “ You’re right,” I said and
plastered a smile on my face. “Camo and hunter orange dresses
deserve a special place in the