sailboats. I kicked through the snow and saw a wire trash can with “Balmere Is Best” on it and picked it up and threw it with all my might down the snowy hill toward the docks. It bounced twice, slammed into a parked BMW, and then rolled on until it came to rest by a huge, impassable hill of snow.
Suddenly, even though the pill was still working in me, sending the electricity through my arms, legs, face, I felt wiped out. Dead, gone. I made it up to the house, fumbled with my keys, and then pushed the door open, and after throwing my coat toward the hanging peg and missing it, I fell on the sofa, facedown. The images flashed on in my brain, Billy and Vinnie and Ruby. No-Nose kicking in the trashy snow. Maybe he was there to warn me about Billy, but I hadn’t known the signs, hadn’t listened to what he said.
• • •
I knew this was drugs. This had to be drugs.
I wanted to blot it out, send it away, so I turned on the TV, but it was this new Spanish-speaking station, and in front of me were the Three Stooges speaking idiot babble and bonking each other on the head with lead pipes.
I shut my eyes, let the drug wear off some, felt my face and neck collapse, and fell into a nightmare sleep.
• • •
By the time Wanda shook me awake it was dark outside. There was crust on my eyelids, and my temples felt like someone had squeezed a pair of tongs around them. I looked up through the haze at Wanda, at her orange waitress uniform with cocktail sauce stains all over it, at her blond hair, which was falling down over one bloodshot eye, at the lines in her forehead.
“Red, are you all right?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. Better than Billy Bramdowski.”
“I heard. Oh God, Red, isn’t it awful? What will Jennie do?”
I shook my head without saying anything, and she suddenly fell into my arms.
“Red, hold me some, will you? I don’t care if you’ve been drinking. I just need you now.”
I held on to her, wanting to comfort her, but she smelled like crabs and her arms felt soft, the flesh hanging loose off of them, and suddenly I couldn’t help but think of Crystal and that white road into the green leaves and the sun.
“How was it today, hon?” she said, nuzzling her head into my shoulder.
“Okay. Nothing yet, but something will turn up.”
She reached up and held my chin with her raw, scratched-up palm.
“You look tired, Red. You’re holding something back. Maybe it would help if you told me.”
“Hey, there’s nothing to tell, except I heard there was a job over at Shaw’s and guess who the employment counselor was?”
She shook her head and rubbed her hand across my cheek.
“Peter Porter,” I said.
“From Patterson?”
“That’s right. He played a little game with me, brought up my record. Knew all about it, and then after he twisted it in for a good long time, he admitted there never was a job. Nice, huh?”
“Oh, Red, I’m sorry. Come here, honey. Let me make you feel better.”
She reached down for my fly, and I jerked back as if I was bitten by a snake. I didn’t want to do that. I’d fucked up badly enough for one day.
“Hey,” I said, trying to make a joke out of it, “what if Ace comes in?”
“He’s over at Spencer’s house. He’s having dinner there. He won’t be home until later. They’re studying for a test together.”
“But, Wanda, I’m beat, I mean …”
“Red, I need you. I really do.”
She fell into my lap then, putting her head on my knees, and I stroked the soft hair on the back of her neck, small golden curls of hair, which made me think of her like I did when we were kids, sweet and helpless and innocent, and suddenly I felt this old rush of affection for her.
“My girl,” I said softly. “My lovely girl.” She clung to me as I rubbed my hand down her back, and she started to sigh, “That feels so good, Red, so good. I thought of you today, hon. You know that I thought of you all day today.”
“You did?” I said, holding her as the
Suddenly, even though the pill was still working in me, sending the electricity through my arms, legs, face, I felt wiped out. Dead, gone. I made it up to the house, fumbled with my keys, and then pushed the door open, and after throwing my coat toward the hanging peg and missing it, I fell on the sofa, facedown. The images flashed on in my brain, Billy and Vinnie and Ruby. No-Nose kicking in the trashy snow. Maybe he was there to warn me about Billy, but I hadn’t known the signs, hadn’t listened to what he said.
• • •
I knew this was drugs. This had to be drugs.
I wanted to blot it out, send it away, so I turned on the TV, but it was this new Spanish-speaking station, and in front of me were the Three Stooges speaking idiot babble and bonking each other on the head with lead pipes.
I shut my eyes, let the drug wear off some, felt my face and neck collapse, and fell into a nightmare sleep.
• • •
By the time Wanda shook me awake it was dark outside. There was crust on my eyelids, and my temples felt like someone had squeezed a pair of tongs around them. I looked up through the haze at Wanda, at her orange waitress uniform with cocktail sauce stains all over it, at her blond hair, which was falling down over one bloodshot eye, at the lines in her forehead.
“Red, are you all right?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. Better than Billy Bramdowski.”
“I heard. Oh God, Red, isn’t it awful? What will Jennie do?”
I shook my head without saying anything, and she suddenly fell into my arms.
“Red, hold me some, will you? I don’t care if you’ve been drinking. I just need you now.”
I held on to her, wanting to comfort her, but she smelled like crabs and her arms felt soft, the flesh hanging loose off of them, and suddenly I couldn’t help but think of Crystal and that white road into the green leaves and the sun.
“How was it today, hon?” she said, nuzzling her head into my shoulder.
“Okay. Nothing yet, but something will turn up.”
She reached up and held my chin with her raw, scratched-up palm.
“You look tired, Red. You’re holding something back. Maybe it would help if you told me.”
“Hey, there’s nothing to tell, except I heard there was a job over at Shaw’s and guess who the employment counselor was?”
She shook her head and rubbed her hand across my cheek.
“Peter Porter,” I said.
“From Patterson?”
“That’s right. He played a little game with me, brought up my record. Knew all about it, and then after he twisted it in for a good long time, he admitted there never was a job. Nice, huh?”
“Oh, Red, I’m sorry. Come here, honey. Let me make you feel better.”
She reached down for my fly, and I jerked back as if I was bitten by a snake. I didn’t want to do that. I’d fucked up badly enough for one day.
“Hey,” I said, trying to make a joke out of it, “what if Ace comes in?”
“He’s over at Spencer’s house. He’s having dinner there. He won’t be home until later. They’re studying for a test together.”
“But, Wanda, I’m beat, I mean …”
“Red, I need you. I really do.”
She fell into my lap then, putting her head on my knees, and I stroked the soft hair on the back of her neck, small golden curls of hair, which made me think of her like I did when we were kids, sweet and helpless and innocent, and suddenly I felt this old rush of affection for her.
“My girl,” I said softly. “My lovely girl.” She clung to me as I rubbed my hand down her back, and she started to sigh, “That feels so good, Red, so good. I thought of you today, hon. You know that I thought of you all day today.”
“You did?” I said, holding her as the
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