Ravenhill Plays: 1: Shopping and F***ing; Faust is Dead; Handbag; Some Explicit Polaroids (Contemporary Dramatists) by Mark Ravenhill
Authors: Mark Ravenhill
Ads: Link
you seem pretty much alive as well.
Alain Yes, but I’m talking about man as an idea.
David Letterman Uh uh / uh huh, yeah yeah.
Alain As an idea, as a construct.
David Letterman Madonna, have you read the book?
Madonna Not yet, David.
David Letterman But you’re going to right?
Madonna I’ve been pretty busy, David / you know that.
David Letterman But you’ve read the other / stuff right?
Madonna Sure, sure. The book about sexuality I thought was great.
David Letterman Now, that is a surprise.
Laughter
.
Three
Alain I was invited to join the Director of Studies for a meal. Sushi, miso soup, sake. We were entertaining a potential sponsor for the department. He was a Japanese. And our potential sponsor asks me:
‘What are you thinking about today? Please, I understand you do a lot of thinking and I’d like to know – what are you thinking about today?’
What am I thinking about today?
Well, today, I am considering an example:
In 1981 a Dutch woman was on business in Tokyo, when she met a Japanese businessman. He invited her to join him for a meal. She read him some of her poetry. While she was reading, he shot her. Several times. He then chopped her up, put her in his bowl and ate her.
That is what I am thinking about today.
The potential sponsor did not like the example. He was very angry.
And Ms Brannigan – the Director of Studies is called Ms Brannigan – Ms Brannigan was angry also.
I had never read the guidelines. It seems no discourse within the university should be in any way offensive to women or to any member of a religious or racial grouping.
Ms Brannigan said that of course the incident would only result in a warning not a disciplinary action.
But it was the last of the straws. The camel’s back was broken.
And I told Ms Brannigan to go fuck herself.
And I decided that maybe I should live a little.
Four
Tatty apartment. Very late
.
Alain
is sitting. Very drunk.
Pete
is standing
.
Pete You wanna take your jacket off?
Take your jacket off. Relax.
See, you relax then I guess I might relax too. Okay?
Please. Allow me.
He tries to remove the jacket
.
Come on. That’s it. Come on.
I kind of know one of the guys, sorta know him a little, you know? And he said that you’re a producer, that you’re seeking to sign Stevie and the band. To a major label.
You do have an . . . an . . . aura . . . of . . . authority.
Sings, grunge fashion.
Got a killer in my VCR
Killer in my ROM
Killer on the cable news
Killer in the floss I use
Killer in the floss
Killer in the floss
Killer in the floss.
See? Neat words. No. Great words. Words, yeah, but also something about the way Steve . . . like he really totally means it, you know? Which is like totally marketable. And I am telling you that Stevie and the band are like totally the thing.
Just beer. That’s all? Is that what you’re saying to me – you get like this with beer?
If it’s beer I can taste it, okay?
He kisses
Alain /
tastes his mouth
.
You wanna stay over? Stay over if you want.
Yeah. This a box. Or a hole. Both a box and a hole.
This is good. To talk with you like this is good. It’s interesting. For me. Because you’re different . . .
He kisses
Alain .
Different can be sexy. Sometimes.
See, one of the guys figured that you were old and uncool enough – no offence intended – old and uncool enough to be A and R and Stevie sort of sent out word that if anyone was like prepared to . . . please you then Stevie could be very grateful to that person. So, if you wanna . . .
Okay, I understand. Sleep it off. Why not?
He tries to lift
Alain
up
.
Gives up.
Good night.
‘Killer in the floss
Killer in the floss
Killer in the floss.’
We’ll talk tomorrow about your signing of Stevie . . .
Alain (
in French
) Because in America, and only in America, am I truly at home.
For me,
Alain Yes, but I’m talking about man as an idea.
David Letterman Uh uh / uh huh, yeah yeah.
Alain As an idea, as a construct.
David Letterman Madonna, have you read the book?
Madonna Not yet, David.
David Letterman But you’re going to right?
Madonna I’ve been pretty busy, David / you know that.
David Letterman But you’ve read the other / stuff right?
Madonna Sure, sure. The book about sexuality I thought was great.
David Letterman Now, that is a surprise.
Laughter
.
Three
Alain I was invited to join the Director of Studies for a meal. Sushi, miso soup, sake. We were entertaining a potential sponsor for the department. He was a Japanese. And our potential sponsor asks me:
‘What are you thinking about today? Please, I understand you do a lot of thinking and I’d like to know – what are you thinking about today?’
What am I thinking about today?
Well, today, I am considering an example:
In 1981 a Dutch woman was on business in Tokyo, when she met a Japanese businessman. He invited her to join him for a meal. She read him some of her poetry. While she was reading, he shot her. Several times. He then chopped her up, put her in his bowl and ate her.
That is what I am thinking about today.
The potential sponsor did not like the example. He was very angry.
And Ms Brannigan – the Director of Studies is called Ms Brannigan – Ms Brannigan was angry also.
I had never read the guidelines. It seems no discourse within the university should be in any way offensive to women or to any member of a religious or racial grouping.
Ms Brannigan said that of course the incident would only result in a warning not a disciplinary action.
But it was the last of the straws. The camel’s back was broken.
And I told Ms Brannigan to go fuck herself.
And I decided that maybe I should live a little.
Four
Tatty apartment. Very late
.
Alain
is sitting. Very drunk.
Pete
is standing
.
Pete You wanna take your jacket off?
Take your jacket off. Relax.
See, you relax then I guess I might relax too. Okay?
Please. Allow me.
He tries to remove the jacket
.
Come on. That’s it. Come on.
I kind of know one of the guys, sorta know him a little, you know? And he said that you’re a producer, that you’re seeking to sign Stevie and the band. To a major label.
You do have an . . . an . . . aura . . . of . . . authority.
Sings, grunge fashion.
Got a killer in my VCR
Killer in my ROM
Killer on the cable news
Killer in the floss I use
Killer in the floss
Killer in the floss
Killer in the floss.
See? Neat words. No. Great words. Words, yeah, but also something about the way Steve . . . like he really totally means it, you know? Which is like totally marketable. And I am telling you that Stevie and the band are like totally the thing.
Just beer. That’s all? Is that what you’re saying to me – you get like this with beer?
If it’s beer I can taste it, okay?
He kisses
Alain /
tastes his mouth
.
You wanna stay over? Stay over if you want.
Yeah. This a box. Or a hole. Both a box and a hole.
This is good. To talk with you like this is good. It’s interesting. For me. Because you’re different . . .
He kisses
Alain .
Different can be sexy. Sometimes.
See, one of the guys figured that you were old and uncool enough – no offence intended – old and uncool enough to be A and R and Stevie sort of sent out word that if anyone was like prepared to . . . please you then Stevie could be very grateful to that person. So, if you wanna . . .
Okay, I understand. Sleep it off. Why not?
He tries to lift
Alain
up
.
Gives up.
Good night.
‘Killer in the floss
Killer in the floss
Killer in the floss.’
We’ll talk tomorrow about your signing of Stevie . . .
Alain (
in French
) Because in America, and only in America, am I truly at home.
For me,
Similar Books
