box of fresh supplies from me. “Is everything okay? What should I say if someone asks where you are?”
I backed away from him, preparing to run home in my uniform. “The truth. Tell them I had to leave. Don’t get yourself in trouble trying to cover for me. I’ll sort it out tomorrow.”
I left him standing in the ambulance bay with his mouth open.
The L station was a short run from the hospital, but home was an hour away. Before I went underground, I tried Ash’s cell one more time. Nothing. The line was dead. The journey home was unbearably slow. It took me back to another time Joe had called me home. Then, Ash had been in respiratory distress, drowning under the weight of severe pneumonia. He’d recovered, but his lungs had been irrevocably damaged. What if he’d relapsed? I hadn’t seen him awake for a few days, but it was my secret habit to listen to him breathe. I’d have noticed if he was wheezing, I was sure of it, but as the train pulled into the stop closest to home, I wasn’t sure of anything.
I jumped off the train and pushed past commuters heading home in the early evening gloom; then I ran all the way back to the big old house. I tore up the stairs and threw open the door. It took all of ten seconds for me to search the apartment. There was nobody there—Ash, Joe, no one. I stood stock-still in the center of the living room, breathing hard. The apartment was empty, but that didn’t mean anything. Joe’s place was a short L ride from here, and Danni’s was just a few blocks away.
Yeah, but what if….
My imagination took over. I turned on my heel, rushed back into the kitchen, and climbed up on the counter to retrieve the locked box hidden on top of the cabinets. I fumbled for the small key on my chain, my heart pounding, and jammed it into the lock. The box clattered open. I scrutinized its contents and relief swept over me, my body sagging with the weight of it. It was all there. The stashed medication was untouched, as it had been since I picked it up from the pharmacy. I kept it in case my worst nightmares ever came true again.
Ash curled up on the floor, his eyes blank, a blade at his wrists….
Stop it.
I let out a long breath and let my racing heart slow down. Way back when Ash had first broken down, he’d spent weeks fluctuating between sleeping all the time and not sleeping at all. He was prescribed medication to help him rest, but the powerful tranquilizers knocked him out for whole days at a time, trapping him in the terrifying dreams that plagued him. After his first bad experience, it was a running battle to get him to take them, but with his history of self-harm and addiction, they had to be hidden. Joe was the only other person with a key, and with him nowhere to be found either, it was all too easy to let my worst fears take over.
I put the box back and slid down from the counter. My feet hit the wooden floor, the sound echoing in the empty apartment, reverberating in my head. I went back into the living room and spun around in a slow circle. The temptation to run out and search the city was strong. I’d ignored my instincts before and I’d nearly lost him. But this time felt different, like I needed to take a breath and see the obvious. A few long minutes later, my gaze fell on the door to the roof… the only place I hadn’t checked. I laughed aloud at my stupidity. Ash loved the roof. No matter how cold it was, he always went up there if he was home alone. I took the tiny staircase in two strides and pushed open the door. Sure enough, there he was, huddled up with his sketchbook on his knees.
We stared at each other for a long moment. His eyes were red-rimmed and subdued, but they were focused and in the present. A far cry from some occasions I’d rushed back to the old place. Of the two of us, I was willing to bet I looked worse.
Ash put his pencil behind his ear and set his work aside. “Where’s the fire?”
“Joe called me.”
“Oh.” He fingered his
I backed away from him, preparing to run home in my uniform. “The truth. Tell them I had to leave. Don’t get yourself in trouble trying to cover for me. I’ll sort it out tomorrow.”
I left him standing in the ambulance bay with his mouth open.
The L station was a short run from the hospital, but home was an hour away. Before I went underground, I tried Ash’s cell one more time. Nothing. The line was dead. The journey home was unbearably slow. It took me back to another time Joe had called me home. Then, Ash had been in respiratory distress, drowning under the weight of severe pneumonia. He’d recovered, but his lungs had been irrevocably damaged. What if he’d relapsed? I hadn’t seen him awake for a few days, but it was my secret habit to listen to him breathe. I’d have noticed if he was wheezing, I was sure of it, but as the train pulled into the stop closest to home, I wasn’t sure of anything.
I jumped off the train and pushed past commuters heading home in the early evening gloom; then I ran all the way back to the big old house. I tore up the stairs and threw open the door. It took all of ten seconds for me to search the apartment. There was nobody there—Ash, Joe, no one. I stood stock-still in the center of the living room, breathing hard. The apartment was empty, but that didn’t mean anything. Joe’s place was a short L ride from here, and Danni’s was just a few blocks away.
Yeah, but what if….
My imagination took over. I turned on my heel, rushed back into the kitchen, and climbed up on the counter to retrieve the locked box hidden on top of the cabinets. I fumbled for the small key on my chain, my heart pounding, and jammed it into the lock. The box clattered open. I scrutinized its contents and relief swept over me, my body sagging with the weight of it. It was all there. The stashed medication was untouched, as it had been since I picked it up from the pharmacy. I kept it in case my worst nightmares ever came true again.
Ash curled up on the floor, his eyes blank, a blade at his wrists….
Stop it.
I let out a long breath and let my racing heart slow down. Way back when Ash had first broken down, he’d spent weeks fluctuating between sleeping all the time and not sleeping at all. He was prescribed medication to help him rest, but the powerful tranquilizers knocked him out for whole days at a time, trapping him in the terrifying dreams that plagued him. After his first bad experience, it was a running battle to get him to take them, but with his history of self-harm and addiction, they had to be hidden. Joe was the only other person with a key, and with him nowhere to be found either, it was all too easy to let my worst fears take over.
I put the box back and slid down from the counter. My feet hit the wooden floor, the sound echoing in the empty apartment, reverberating in my head. I went back into the living room and spun around in a slow circle. The temptation to run out and search the city was strong. I’d ignored my instincts before and I’d nearly lost him. But this time felt different, like I needed to take a breath and see the obvious. A few long minutes later, my gaze fell on the door to the roof… the only place I hadn’t checked. I laughed aloud at my stupidity. Ash loved the roof. No matter how cold it was, he always went up there if he was home alone. I took the tiny staircase in two strides and pushed open the door. Sure enough, there he was, huddled up with his sketchbook on his knees.
We stared at each other for a long moment. His eyes were red-rimmed and subdued, but they were focused and in the present. A far cry from some occasions I’d rushed back to the old place. Of the two of us, I was willing to bet I looked worse.
Ash put his pencil behind his ear and set his work aside. “Where’s the fire?”
“Joe called me.”
“Oh.” He fingered his
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